Name changed for this because my anxiety is in full swing today and I don’t want to get outed. I would really appreciate some help, I’m sittjng at work on the brink of another anxiety attack and I need someone to hand me a big fucking grip. Sorry this is long I just need somewhere to open up.
My once wonderful fiancé and I argue so much. At the weekend we had three fights in one day, I don’t even remember what about. The week previous we had a blazing row while on a weekend abroad that involved him saying he wanted to postpone our (booked) wedding. I got so frustrated and panicked I felt like I was crazy. When we fight like that I don’t know what comes over me but I feel so devastated. I cry, panic. I self harm afterwards (just minor stuff. I feel ashamed of it but when we are not fighting I either feel so mixed up about what has just happened or I am on edge for the next fight.) and it always happens. We can have a wonderful day/week/month then one thing will be said wrong, done wrong. Last night he was out on a work dinner and got smashed, called me all lovey dovey as he can be really affectionate when drunk and I joked that I could tell he was drunk. He turned instantly, went cold, threatened to hang up. I was shocked by the quick change, asked him what was wrong, he said I said he was embarrassing, I knew what I had said but he just gaslighted the fuck out of me and it’s not the first time. In recent arguments he’s claimed I’ve said something I know I haven’t, or that he hasn’t done/said something I know he has. I don’t know what will set him off anymore. Dc saying they want me to read him their bedtime story (instead of him.) Me not wanting to watch the same movie as him. Me asking him not to shout at dc. Me saying something the wrong way really or if he feels like I’m calling him into question on anything . I feel like I’m on eggshells especially now he has the engagement/marriage to wield over me in arguments. I hate that I get so upset when he’s like this, it just makes him angry and he accuses me of manipulating or “not being normal”. I just always feel so destroyed by the arguing, by how quickly he can go from “you’re the love of my life darling” to coldness. Afterwards he often says he feels like he can’t control his anger and he knows he has anxiety/depression but he has yet to sign up to our local GP because I haven’t picked up a signup form for him. MH issues run in his family. He hasn’t had a LTR before me so I’ve often wondered if he has had to learn how to be in a relationship or whether this is sonething more innate to him.
I guess I used to think he was the one. Perfect, lovely, my safe harbour after years of EA relationships with my parents and exes. I know I started to fall out of love a couple of months ago when it became clear how angry he got if I disagreed, and how quickly he could flip and withhold affection, how long and hard he could sulk. I started to get my ducks in a row- cancelled unnecessary expenses, changed my work life to fit around dc childcare, squirrelled money away. He knew I was being distant and we talked about it, I tried so hard and I had been beginning to feel like I could relax and love him again, just relax and stop worrying that I was going to be on my own again and have to cancel the wedding and everything else.
But now I just don’t know if I can. I’m terrified of marrying the wrong man. For dc and my sake. I feel like there’s little I can say that doesn’t have to go through a filter to avoid upsetting or irritating him. I feel like I don’t know where the next argument comes from.
A really normal example would be dc getting up early ish on a weekend and waking him up. He’d then be tired and moody, snap at dc too harshly and I’d ask him to calm down or quietly intervene. This would trigger him off in fury that there’s nothing wrong, he’s fine (alll said in an angry voice/body language), that I’m saying he can’t do anything right, that he’s “obviously” shit with dc. Every time a confrontation like this happens it’s like a gut punch. I do what I can to diffuse but it rarely works.
Im so sick of:
“Yeah you’re right I’m a piece of shit”
“Yeah I’m a shit partner I can’t do anything right”
“It’s not normal that you get so upset”
“You’re not strict enough with dc”
“Dc is manipulative”
“I don’t want to get married and then get divorced in a year” / “we should postpone the wedding”
“There’s NOTHING WRONG!” (In denial of the tone/mood)
“You’re always putting the blame on me”
“What are you talking about?”
The guys I work with, my brothers and a lot of male friends are solid, they don’t binge drink, they reason, they don’t make filthy comments and jokes and call me a prude, they are kind to children. He must have been like that for me to love him so much but I feel like I’ve forgotten. I feel like I’m scared of him. But I’m ashamed that I’m more scared of being alone. Making ends meet (the wedding payment has decimated my savings), my job is insecure at the moment due to redundancies, help with dc, companionship, someone to share the load. I feel like at my age and situation this would be it for me. I feel helpless. I’m sittjng in the toilet at work feeling sick to look at my phone as he hasn’t apologised for last nights drunk escalation, just texted to tell me I shouldn’t have reacted so upset. He can be generous, sweet, loving with me and dc. I’m not denying that.
But this panic and stress is grinding me so far down and I don’t know what to do. I just want peace. I don’t want to make this sound one sided but I feel like no one hears my side, I feel like I could scream with frustration. Please tell me what to do and how.