How to be single again - your top tips please!!

[DawnFrenchKiss]

DP and I are going to break up. It's definitely coming, and I'm dreading it. I love him very much but it's just not working for either of us. I feel very sad. I've gone from feeling the most loved and loved up I ever have (even more so than I ever did with exH) to this over the last six months.

Please help! My depression and anxiety have been really bad recently. I dread being alone. I'm dreading not speaking to him every day. I'm dreading the empty evenings and weekends. I have lots of friends and can find things to do but I'm scared of being lonely again. I'm late 30s, no kids, and feel sort of lost. I'm smart and independent but unattractive so scared of dating.

Please give me your top tips! How can I cope? How do I deal with this again? How do I get over not being with someone I still love? I cant go back to this relationship. But I'm worried I will, and I'll just be back here again.

Being single is wonderful. You do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it. No one but you has any say. See it as dating yourself: watching your favourite films, eating your favourite foods, having all the luxuries you most desire, exactly when you want them.

I go to classes throughout the week. I'm strong and healthy. I'm learning to dance.

And of course, you can date, if you want to. It's ever so exciting.

Who says that you are unattractive? I bet you’re not.

This is a great chance to do new stuff and move on. Get some new hobbies and you will 100% make new friends. Try a running or a cycling club, plus it’s that time of year when evening classes start.

You will get over your relationship breaking up, and you can speed up the process by doing new things with different people. Everybody goes through that awful feeling of “there’s something wrong with me, I must be a minger and nobody will ever fancy me again” feeling after a break up, it is normal.

I used to give myself a week to be sad after getting dumped, then I’d say to myself, “I’m over it now” and play uplifting music to force myself to move forward and stop moping.

You’re only in your late thirties. Lovely and young! I met my husband when I was 37, after forcing myself to go out to a social event. I’d been binned six weeks earlier by some idiot but I put on a smile and my glad rags and out I went. Do stuff like that. It will work out for you, I promise.

You can be single. It takes a while to adjust to it I guess but you definitely can do that if you want to. And that doesn't mean withdrawing in to yourself so that you're living a half life. Far from it. You can get space to think about what shape of a life you want and how you go about getting that. I would have a bit of psychotherapy right now, it'll help you make choices that are right for you from now on. I wish I'd had psychotherapy at 30 when I split up from somebody I loved. I went in to a bad relationship because I felt I had to be with somebody or I'd be pitied.

You might or might not meet somebody, it doesn't just happen for everybody so I hate the platitudes tbh but ''lean in to being single''.
Date yourself. That sounds a bit Oprah but I felt terrific after I went to an event on my own. I felt like, 1) I'm brave enough to do that 2) I enjoyed it ! 3) I need not fear being alone if I can do stuff like this and enjoy it.

Take time out. Rediscover yourself and your authenticity. There will be a grieving period, but it will pass. When this period is over then that is the time to venture out and explore.

Thanks all

Oh it's amazing being single! I just love it soooo much! I don't need to consult anyone, don't need to put up with anyone's mess, don't have to listen to anyone's opinions, I do what I please when I please, my house is clean, nobody's putting me down and making me feel inadequate, it is just the best thing ever! My life is my own now, what's not to like?

What makes you want to be in a relationship OP?

I'm not sure really... Just feels instinctual. It's only something that's bothered me in my 30s. I want to love and be loved, and I don't want to rule out having a family yet.

It's not just about being physically free. It is also about being psychologically free as well.

The two combined is very powerful indeed.

That was to Lucy :-)

My last relationship lasted way longer than it should have done because I was scared to be alone. I wish I'd ended it sooner. I'm now with someone amazing and if I hadn't finished with someone who really wasn't right for me then maybe I'd never have met him.

@spaceraidersrock yes yes to joggy bottoms! Ex would always moan if I wore them but now I can and I do!

@DawnFrenchKiss how about you learn to love yourself first?

What does loving yourself even mean though?! Also, I know already Ill miss sex. I don't like casual sex either, I can be quite promiscuous (while drinking lots and generally being quite self destructive) so I want to avoid falling into that.

You're right noego

I think I've probably been quite unhappy for a while, just scared of ending it, and it could be very easy to just fall back into the relationship. I need to safeguard against that

Being single can be Great, just plan to do things you enjoy. I go to the cinema on my own, go swimming, watch box sets, go for walks, whatever I fancy really .

I'm dating too, but no one serious as yet.

@dawnfrenchkiss

Psychologically free means that you have no need of anyone to make you feel worthy. You are authentically you and nothing or no one is needed for you to know that.

If you want kids or pets to make a family you need to rearrange your life to make that happen. Don't wait for the greenlight from some guy. Make it happen for yourself. As for sex, you can do FWB. It's very freeing without having to sleep with strangers.

OP, loving yourself means learning who you are outside of relationship when you are not having to mould yourself to please anyone. Working on accepting yourself or working on improving yourself in whatever way you want. So that when you look in the mirror you don't tell yourself 'I am unattractive' as a default, like you did in your opening post.

When I was with EX my average appearance was a big issue for me because I felt I had to be prettified and dressed up for him; I constantly compared myself to younger and fitter women and it was just a never ending spiral of feeling shit about myself. Now none of it matters. It's just me living my life.

Of course you soon-to-be-ex might make you feel like million dollars, I am not saying your experience is anything like mine, but you said you think of yourself as unattractive. So you must have some issues around the way you look. Now is your time to either work on it in whatever way suits you best or just to brush it off and accept yourself just the way you are.

@dawnfrenchkiss, good question and one it took me too long to figure out how to answer. I knew I deserved to be treated well in theory, I really understood that, but then in practice I used to see the best in people even when it wasn't there and the boundaries that I had in theory weren't there in practice. So I had to learn to not make allowances because my TIME was too precious, and my time ALONE was too precious to give people the benefit of the doubt.

I also had to check back in with a buried voice. What would I do if nobody were judging me? I ended up listening to a load of pod casts, lourdes viado, neil sattin, watching a lot of clips on youtube. Endless repetition of the same stuff but it has sunk in very deeply now. I listened to empowering podcasts while drinking wine and making figures out of clay! I would out myself if I listed the other interests I picked back up but basically I now just have the FAITH that I can enjoy my future and fill my future and have a good life with or without a man in it. Probably without at my age now to be realistic but either way, I am finally very comforted knowing that I won't waste another minute feeling shit that ''nobody wants me''. God that is an awful tyranny!

Natalie LUe has some great books and even if you're not dating right now, I think she will help you understand boundaries in a very helpful way.

One of the people I used to follow on youtube, Ross Rosenberg, he used to say that fear of loneliness is what causes co-dependency (ie tolerating rubbish unrewarding relationships) so he advises leaning into being single, leaning in to being lonely. Yes, arrange things with your friends, but don't do it so relentlessly that you're not thinking about what it feels like to sit in your own company in your own thoughts, keeping yourself occupied pleasantly with your own interests.

Thank you all. All very useful and interesting contributions! I'll look up the resources mentioned. Fear of being alone on my own at home is something that has only presented itself recently. My anxiety has gotten quite bad, but I'm not sure how much of it is because of this failing relationship. I guess time will tell.

Keep busy.

Just remember that everything happens for a reason. You need to move on by starting to make new hobbies and going out with your friends. Try not to listen to any love songs and don't go places that both of you often visit. ;)

I will also advise to have a new pet to get your attention. :)