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Relationships

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Original poster

Putting on weight

17 replies

Blueskiesatdawn · 01/10/2018 21:30

Been with my boyfriend about four months now. It was a bit bumpy at the start but he seems nice.

I've been working away from home the last 6 weeks and have been back at weekends. My diet hasn't been great whilst I'm away and last weekend I mentioned to him I'd put on a stone and he said I should try and lose it for my health and because it wasn't good to put so much weight on. I sort of half jokingly said and also because you wouldn't fancy me if I put on weight and he very seriously said yes that too. If you put on lots of weight I wouldn't find you as attractive.

I should say I am overweight now, quite plump and curvy. I don't know how his comments have made me feel. After he said that he apologised for hurting my feelings because I became a bit quiet.

Thing is im not feeling hurt by it exactly, more I guess just a bit guarded and fed up about it. I think I think he might be a bit shallow and superficial about women.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this or does he have a point?

OP posts:

Bumdishcloths · 01/10/2018 21:35

I'm not defending the way he's addressed it, and have no real relationship advice, but he might have a point if you've put on a stone in 6 weeks.

(For context, I'm overweight myself and it took someone else being very blunt with me to make me realise I needed to do something about it).

DarklyDreamingDexter · 01/10/2018 21:39

A stone is a lot to put on in just 6 weeks. I'd be quite worried about that and trying to address it. He probably is concerned about your health because of such a rapid weight gain.

TokenGinger · 01/10/2018 21:43

He has a point. A stone is a lot to put on in 6 weeks. If that happens again just twice the next few month, you could have gained 3 stone in the year he’ll habe known you.

I know I wouldn’t find it attractive and I’d find it a worry if DP gained such a considerable amount of time in a short space of time.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/10/2018 21:46

Desire and attraction aren’t things you can will yourself into feeling. I don’t think it’s shallow or superficial to be honest about what we find attractive and I don’t know why we all have to pretend that appearance doesn’t matter and if your partner’s appearance changes drastically then it shouldn’t affect your desire for them. Add to that that you’re not an established couple with years and years of shared foundations and life and bonding behind you where deep love might mitigate any changes in appearance - you’ve only known each other a few weeks .

A stone in six weeks is a lot of weight, and not healthy at all. I’d be worried if my partner put weight on that quickly and didn’t seem to think it was a problem, regardless of anything else.

It’s also not a good idea to make “jokey comments” if you aren’t prepared for how someone may respond.

EdWinchester · 01/10/2018 21:48

I think he has a point.

I wouldn't find my partner very attractive if he was overweight, nor vice versa.

userxx · 01/10/2018 22:38

He's not being shallow, he's being honest.

NickyNora · 02/10/2018 00:02

I know on MN its considered shallow but in all honesty my dp's massive weight gain, did make him less physically attractive to me

HereIgoagainxx · 02/10/2018 01:19

He's being honest. If he wouldn't find you attractive at a heavier weight, why should he pretend or lie to you?

GrandTheftWalrus · 02/10/2018 01:25

I've put on over 2 stone in weight since I met my DP. However in that time I've had our daughter and most of my weight gain has been since I've been on the pill after having her.

That's over 4 years total though. A stone in 6 weeks is rather a lot.

Maybe you should see a doctor about that.

MelonBuffet · 02/10/2018 01:25

Bloody hell you lot are harsh! My DP and I have both put on a few stone since we met - having met shortly after my divorce I had lost 3 stone in a short time due to stress and once I was happy it slowly crept on. He’d been at the gym while he was single but then preferred to spend his free time with me after we met. We both still find each other very attractive and I’d be really sad if he was like the majority of posters on here, making me feel shit about myself because I’d put on some weight.

It would do us both good to lose some weight for our health, but it doesn’t make one jot of difference to be whether he weighs 10 stone or 15. I’ve gone from 11 to 14 while we’ve been together and he appreciates my bigger boobs!

I guess what I’m saying is, that for some people it’s a deal breaker, for others not so much. Work out if you are happy to be judged on your physical body to the extent he will judge you, and whether you will do the same. If you don’t see eye to eye on that, maybe you’re not compatible.

GrandTheftWalrus · 02/10/2018 01:28

My DP doesn't care what size I am. I was a 14 when I met him. Went down to a 10 and now after having a child etc I have went back to a 16.

However it is bothering me and I will be starting on a diet as soon as I am in a mindset to do it sensibly.

I have a very bad relationship with food and losing weight.

ShatnersWig · 02/10/2018 08:30

I'm with the others. A stone in six weeks is a lot. And there is a big difference between someone you've been with for years and deeply love getting gradually larger over time than dating someone in the early days (when "fancying" them is a really big deal) and them increasing in weight that much over so short a space of time.

MMmomDD · 02/10/2018 09:50

OP - at 4mo its a very new relationship... it’s not like you have knowsn each other for years and secure in your feelings for each other.
If I were to start dating someone and this early on they’d start gaining a 1kg/week and not trying to do anything - i’d, frankly, be very concerned.

Health and attraction are tied here. Health - is the long term issue. If I want a partner for the LT, then I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t take care of themselves and may be on the way to adult-onset diabetes, heart attacks, etc.
And in the short term - attraction is a basic physical thing I can’t change. My partner doesn’t need to be in their top shape all the time. But there IS a point beyond which the extra weight does affect it.

So - you need to sort out your eating issues for YOURSELF.
6kg in 6 weeks, its not heathy.

ferrier · 02/10/2018 13:50

I don't fancy larger guys. I dont really know why I don't fancy them but I can't make myself. If someone doesn't fancy you for whatever reason, you can't make them.

Original poster

Blueskiesatdawn · 02/10/2018 14:30

Yes I think this is all true. I clearly need to lose the weight and in itself I can see why my gaining weight is unattractive if it's reflective of an attitude that I don't care about myself or I don't care about keeping healthy.

Weirdly I don't feel upset about what he said so much and I wonder why.

OP posts:

sunsunsunsunsun · 02/10/2018 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Worrynot1 · 03/10/2018 16:10

Easy to do when away , eating healthy is not easy I try and join local boot-camps whilst away or at least exercise. I must admit when the ex put on weight I lost interest in her, still loved her but was no longer attractive to me.

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