NC with my dad since 1992 but just heard he’s had a heart attack

[IsItNearlySummer]

Lies. He told so many lies. Really nasty messy divorce when I was young. And off he went with no forwarding address. I still live in the small town where I grew up.

Fast forward 26 years. I’ve done fine without him. But after hearing about his heart attack I’ve just paid £17 to search him on 192.com. And I think I’ve found him.

I haven’t cried over him for so many years. But here I am now sobbing my heart out. He doesn’t deserve these tears. But he’s old and he’s going to die one day. Possibly sooner rather than later. I’m so confused.

I have no siblings. Just feel so alone.

I'm sorry you feel so low. It's entirely up to you if you contact him or not.

I haven't seen my own father since I was 12, so 33 years ago. I have wondered what my reaction would be at times if he died and I've always thought it wouldn't bother me. He was useless, mean and an all round crap father.

If I was to be upset about him dying, I think it would be sadness that he couldn't be the father I wanted and needed. What do you think your tears are over?

Have you a friend you can chat to or go stay with for a night?

I am nc with both dps. Won't be contacting either regardless of any medical issues.
They stopped being my dps long ago.
Your df may be old but still same old. Literally.

If your so upset over this what do you feel would be the best thing for you to do? Just think about yourself

HereIgoagain - that’s exactly what I would’ve said. Until now. Maybe I’m in shock. I am home with DCs. DP working away in a different time zone and I don’t want to worry him. Thanks for replying. I’m sorry we are in similar situations.

April - I hear you. And I haven’t cried over him in so long. But this has hit me hard. Totally unexpected. You sound very strong. I’m sorry both your parents let you down. It’s crap isn’t it.

IvyKaty - thank you. I don’t know what I want to do at the moment. But kind strangers on the internet are helping. Thanks.

I went nc with my DF he had a heart attack during that time & I was devastated. Took me a long time to understand that I was actually grieving the father I didn’t have. He died while I debated visiting him. Sometimes they change sometimes they don’t. Don’t be confused & don’t be too hard on yourself.

I think you need to absolutely figure out why you reacted with tears.

Was it the suddenly knowing where he was?
Was it because you’ve wanted to find him for so long?
Was it because you’ve always hoped ‘one day’ and now it seems less possible?
Or was it just a shock and reaction to not thinking about it for so long?etc...

But for right now, be kind to yourself. Whatever you decide for YOU will be the right thing. Any regrets are not yours to bear.

Sort of the same here. I wasn't NC but very LC with my father. He was dying, DB asked me to go, but I couldn't. I didn't feel anything when he died, but I know a different DB got very upset thinking about the father he could/should have been. I'm very sorry for your confusion about how to feel. Even though we don't contact them they still somehow have the power to affect us. It's rubbish.

With my bereavement counsellors head on...it’s stil a loss op
A loss of a lovely dad who should’ve loved you, cared for you and nurtured you
It’s ok to grieve for the dad you should have had
Even though he hasn’t died cruse bereavement care might be able to offer you some support and work through your feelings, sadness, loss, guilt if you don’t go to see him but didn’t

If you decide not to see him and he dies you can maybe do some kind of releasing ceremony
My friends mum died when they were estranged. Was very sad as my friend was the apple of her eye...then her mum got all bitter and twisted at the end..she went around her house with a lighted candle ( she’d smelled her mums cigarette smoke in some of the rooms after she’d passed away , like her mum had come back to visit her) .
She also went to the cathedral and lit a candle for her and said to me she felt ok, she forgave her.

That’s the thing isn’t it. Forgiving them so you can move on.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so awful.

I will speak bluntly. I am in the verge of a nervous breakdown dealing with elderly parents. My mother, I love hugely. My dad, nit so much, but there's a bond.

My dad has survived three heart attacks and I can easily see him marching on to 95, 100. I remember being young and scared of his death. Now I'm old and broken from dealing with them.

Yes, that is a very fixed perspective but one glance at the Elderly Parent board will show you what people are suffering. Do you want to suffer for someone who wasn't even there for you?

Sorry you're in this situation

I’m NC it’s my father and have been for 10 year due to bullying and awful behaviour to my mother and I. He has cancer and as my husband pointed out to me that’s it’s made no difference to him to contact me & make peace so why should I. I
Still battle with it but he harms my mind so I’m better staying away.
Like the others say and I say it myself. I miss having a father and the ones I see my friends with but he can never be that person. X

You’re all making sense. Thank you.

I suppose I just got on with my life when he left, so I’ve never grieved for him. I was young. Of course I would’ve loved a perfect dad. Maybe deep down I had always hoped for a happy ending. As he reaches the end of his life this becomes far less likely. The heart attack news came as a huge shock. I thought I wouldn’t care. But I do.

Counselling is not something I’ve ever considered, but interesting.

I really appreciate the replies and I’m sorry so many of us find ourselves in similar positions. The one thing I can say is that it has made me a better mum. My DCs are so very very loved. And they know it. So something good at least has come from the whole mess.

Don't feel bad. As PP have said, your tears are the grief for the dad you never had.

Firstly,
My not-so-DF caused a lot of suffering for my DM, DSis & I. When they split, I made the decision that I didn't want to see or speak to him again.
He died very suddenly a few years ago & despite everything that had happened, I was very much affected by the lack of closure. It's taken years of counselling to accept what happened and to understand that my childhood was written off without so much as a "sorry."
It's an awful situation to be in, OP & I really do feel for you.
Whatever you do, I'm sure will be for the best. He may surprise you.

Who told you about his heart attack and what were you also supposed to do with that piece of information?. Did this person know that you had no contact with your dad. You may have found him but equally this may be someone else of the same name. The happy ending you were perhaps looking for re him exists only in Hollywood movies.

Put your own self first. You have managed without him, his lies and his inherent selfishness in your life and you will continue to do so. He was not a good parent to you when you were growing up (understatement) and such people rarely if ever change. Think as well that your tears are for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.