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Original poster

What’s more important? Attraction or everything else?

16 replies

SomewhereNow · 01/10/2018 07:34

I was married for 20 years to a decent guy but we were always more like mates, that spark of attraction was never really there. Fast forward to now, we’ve been separated a while, I’ve done some dating with all its ups and downs but am now feeling ready for something a little bit more.

I’m lucky enough to have met 2 really nice guys. One I am unbelievably attracted to, he’s fun and seems to like me but we havent got much in common and I’m not sure he’s looking for anything serious. The other is attractive but I’m not blown away. He’s great though, we enjoy doing the same sort of things, he seems genuinely interested in me as a person and is looking for the same as me in a relationship.

I’ve seen both a few times and it’s got to the stage where I need to make a choice, not fair to either otherwise. But I don’t know what to do - after all the years of ‘settling’ with my ex I feel I’ve got to go for attraction but what’s the point if there’s not much else? But if I go for the other guy am I just settling again instead of holding out for what I really want/need?

Very confused and would really welcome any advice.

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 01/10/2018 07:41

I wouldn't go for either of them. It's possible to find someone you fancy who also has the right personality for you. Don't waste yourself on someone you're not sure about

SuperSuperSuper · 01/10/2018 08:05

Neither man is a match for you tbh. You don't have to settle for either. I'd let them both go, unless the more physically attractive one who wants nothing serious is ok with being a casual fun fling until you find someone who is right for you.

Bluntness100 · 01/10/2018 08:07

I'd agree, neither,

Attraction should be part and parcel of it. You need to be attracted to someone, and feel all the rest.

MiniTheMinx · 01/10/2018 08:08

I wonder if you took the really fun attractive man out of the equation you'd find the suitable attractive man more attractive?

ferrier · 01/10/2018 08:11

There will always be a what if if you go with the safe guy. Definitely don't go for him. Give the phwoar guy a bit more time. You're not saying you're going to marry him by spending a bit more time with him. Have some fun.

Djnoun · 01/10/2018 08:39

A relationship forms when you find the uniqueness of sexual attraction within the comfort and safety of friendship.

Original poster
SomewhereNow · 01/10/2018 08:45

Thank you all, I’m just so conflicted. My experiences of dating so far haven’t been great and part of me thinks I’m just setting myself up for more hurt with the wow guy. I do wonder how I’d feel about the other one if the first one wasn’t on the scene because we hav

OP posts:
Original poster
SomewhereNow · 01/10/2018 08:47

Sorry posted too soon...because we have a great time and I can totally be myself with him whereas with the first one I’ll never relax or feel good enough for him (he’s younger than me and feels way out of my league).

OP posts:
Djnoun · 01/10/2018 08:52

There's no rule to say you can't keep dating them both for a while. It doesn't always have to lead to a serious relationship.

brokenharbour · 01/10/2018 09:19

Just don't sleep with one and go on a candlelit picnic in Central Park with the other. It won't end well.

Sorry 😐

Original poster
SomewhereNow · 01/10/2018 09:55

Haha yes it definitely does feel like that!

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 01/10/2018 10:13

Honestly it depends what you want. Want a relationship? Go for number 2. Why do you have to be blown away? Attraction doesn’t have to be unstable. It doesn’t have to mean excitement. It can be a slow burn. It does have to burn though imho in some way!

MiniTheMinx · 01/10/2018 15:38

No man is out of any woman's league. You shouldn't feel any man is too good for you. If this is down to you getting a sense that he would shag and run or treat you badly, then this just illustrates the fact you are way above his "League" because no decent man would treat you that way.

Alpacanorange · 01/10/2018 18:07

Close you can eyes, how do you feel in their company. The one that fulfils your needs the most is the winner. Good conversation, consideration, fun to be around. I agree no man is out of your league.

PikaPikaTink · 02/10/2018 20:04

If you can handle it see both casually (obviously while being honest with both of them) and enjoy yourself while still being open to meeting someone who ticks all the boxes.

ravenmum · 02/10/2018 20:45

Why do you think you have to choose one of them?

You were with the old guy for 20 years - so do you have the whole kids and family thing behind you? If so, there's no rush to settle down with anyone; you can date the man you find attractive until you discover whether attraction is enough for you. Or you can date the boring guy and see if you fancy him after all. Personally I'd do the first, as it promises more fun in the short term!

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