Children exhausted and ill after contact with dad

[PerverseConverse]

My daughters are 11 and 9 and every time they come back from weekend contact with their dad they are exhausted and feel ill. They are going to bed there between 10.30 and midnight when they have an 8pm bedtime at home. They have missed school due to this on a few occasions. My ex in the past has told me it's none of my business and that they're bedtime at home is too early. I think it's very much my business if they are so tired they feel ill and miss school the next day but I don't know how to solve this problem. There is a court order in place and they have to go to contact. What can I do?

Gosh yes @PerverseConverse and @AlexanderHamilton my DS is like this. He gets migraines if he doesn't have enough sleep and will vomit (though that makes him feel better) he's 12 now and still goes to bed most nights by 8:30. Up at 6:50. Some kids just need more sleep than others (he was NOT like this as a baby…)

I'm in bed myself by 9pm. Sometimes 8! We all need our sleep or feel ill. Dad does t appreciate their need for sleep as never has them on a school morning. He keys them all stay up very late so they sleep in so he doesn't have to get up except the eldest is still usually awake by 7 even if I'm bed late. She's always been like that.

I'd let him take it. When thry sleep at his they're basically sharing beds with strangers, and they're so tired they can't function. They're old enough to tell the court that

Have you stopped contact? What are your concerns about the gf behaviour?

If he applies to court then the youngest girls wishes & feelings will be taken into account.

Just pick them up earlier on Sunday and get a good nights sleep. Can’t see how a late night Friday and Saturday can make you ill on Monday.

I can't pick them up earlier as the court order gives specific instructions for pick up and drop offs with times and venues. I couldn't change that without going back to court.

I think it's been explained how being tired has made them ill and other people have said similar.

You've been given the advice you need.

Go back to court. There really isn't anything else we can say. He won't listen to you and won't work with you so sorting it out with him isn't an option.

I have to say the children should be able to self regulate and put their devices away, and get themselves into bed. Do they share a bed together? Can't they get themselves into bed with headphones and stories on when they want to?

How can kids self regulate their sleep with 5 other children in just 2 rooms..........

My DD is the same when she gets back from her dad, similar reasons. She is just ill from exhaustion.

However, there is no court order in place and her dad is happy for her to come and go. So, I do say to her to plan that she will need rest the next day and to try to sleep in! No Sunday nights or school nights.

In your case, I would look to get the court order reviewed. He will not get residency.

Thanks everyone. I was hoping to avoid court. Been there over 10 times already.

They share beds and are kept awake by other kids. The chance to stay up late on devices vs going to sleep at a reasonable time isn't going to be a sensible choice at their ages.

How old are the step siblings & gender? Just thinking that could eldest daughter not say she doesn’t want to share if male step siblings. I know in terms of council property & guidlines it’s not recommend that children of different genders share rooms over age of 9.
Hope you get your situation sorted

How late are they back with you on Sunday?

You need letters from the school about their attendance, tiredness etc abs you have no option but to take this back to court for a variation

Take this back to court. It is not acceptable and it is now proven that the GF lied about the bedroom circumstances. They are also now old enough to have their own wishes considered. If you've been to court so many times in the past, you might as well go back. He'll have no chance of residency in such an overcrowded house and it's obvious that the children won't want to live with him either.

Another reason for illness is simply sharing beds with other children and passing bugs between them.

I'm a little confused you said they hate the girlfriend and don't want to go, but then say the girlfriend is alienating them? Is never good being in a situation where you do things so differently, but realistically either you need to go back to court, or accept that this is how it is for the girls. I would be concerned that he can use the fact you're giving them time off against you, as it could be seen as you being unreasonable. Do they get home at a decent time on the Sunday?

SD1978 sorry, should have been clearer. The gf has been trying her best to alienate them by telling them lots of lies about me and their dad that put me in a bad light (the decade of dv inflicted on me is of no concern to her it seems) so they went through an angry and upset and confused stage not so long ago. It seemed as soon as she thought she'd got them on side that she let her true unpleasant self be seen on a regular basis so now they hate her and see her for the nasty person she is. This confuses them more as they still remember her being nice and like the nice version of her but are confused as to where the nasty one has come from and why.
I will be taking this back to court.