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Original poster

My lovely Brother

56 replies

indigo13 · 01/10/2018 00:22

Hello all, my brother is 32 and anf has almost always been single. I don't know why but he just can't seem to find a girlfriend! In my opinion he is a great catch -he runs his own business, he can turn his hand to anything, own house, so kind and caring, good looking etc. He's an amazing uncle to my children and I know he'd love to have his own. My heart breaks to think of him as lonely as he has said he is.

He works hard but does make time for social things, I just don't get it. He started seeing someone, she moved in but it wasn't going well and he came home from work early to find her moving her stuff out and she hadn't told him. Sad. I could cry thinking about him coming home to that or worse, if he'd not come home early and the house was empty!

There must be some reassuring stories out there or advice?! Please Sad

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 01/10/2018 08:11

FFS sake I can't believe people spouted the "could he be gay?" nonsense. I've never seen in all my years on MN a thread about a lovely woman who seems unable to find a partner where people say "perhaps she's gay". Never happens. Yet if it's about a man, there will always be that suggestion, usually more than once.

I've been single for years. I've done online dating, joined groups, done all the things everyone says to do but nada. It's not because I'm gay. In my case, it's because I don't want children or to be a step father, so my dating pool is somewhat small.

I have a female friend who has now been single aside from three short two-month things where she was totally played, and assorted first and second dates, for 11 years. She'd have liked kids but at 41, time is now not on her side. She's been doing everything, she's attractive, got interests. She's not gay either.

Sometimes it just doesn't happen, due to circumstance, preferences, location.

mintich · 01/10/2018 08:13

He needs to persevere with online dating, that really is the way to go nowadays!

Original poster
indigo13 · 01/10/2018 08:53

Asexual too? How on trend. Anyone want to throw transgender in there too?

OP posts:
Original poster
indigo13 · 01/10/2018 09:17

Good point shatners!

OP posts:
UpsetNowPleaseAdvise · 01/10/2018 09:30

Indigo13, I've known a few men like your brother, I think. They have all coupled up and had kids in their late 30s/early 40s. There are some men I think who struggle for whatever reason to attract women in their 20s and 30s, but who become very hot property a bit later on. From what you say, your brother sounds very much like he might fit this pattern. He needs to make sure he stays decent, well presented and doesn't get despondent/bitter, and I'll bet this works out for him longer term.

OliviaStabler · 01/10/2018 12:04

Asexual too? How on trend. Anyone want to throw transgender in there too?

If he is as snippy as you are no wonder he is single!

ShatnersWig · 01/10/2018 12:35

*Olivia Be fair. I think my point is valid for your comment too. I don't believe I have ever seen a thread about a woman who is struggling to meet someone where people have suggested that she is gay or asexual. Not in eight years. I may well have missed one, but I genuinely don't think it happens. Whereas on almost every thread where someone talks about a man who is struggling to meet someone, at least one poster in the first few responses will throw out "is he gay?" It's a bizarre response.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 01/10/2018 12:46

Why did the relationship with the previous girlfriend fail? It's quite extreme to just move out without a discussion?

Bluetrews25 · 01/10/2018 13:01

I totally get your concern for him.
Aren't there 'get my friend a date' sites that you could check out?

pinkhorse · 01/10/2018 13:05

How you appear to a sibling is massively different to how you appear to a potential partner.

PurpleFlowersInMyHair · 01/10/2018 13:15

People can be incredibly picky these days because of internet dating and write people off without getting to know them a bit first. First impressions can put people off- sometimes unfairly.

These are some of the reasons I’ve heard for not pursuing a date:

Too short (men)
Too tall (women)
Talked too much/little
Doesn’t have a driving license/car
Lives with parents
Too camp/ suspect they might be gay (men)
Talk about themselves too much
Talk about an interest too much (ie sport)
Is a smoker

twilightsaga · 01/10/2018 13:21

Maybe he's too picky and needs to broaden his search criteria

AFistfulofDolores1 · 01/10/2018 13:23

How you appear to a sibling is massively different to how you appear to a potential partner.

This.

It is not beyond plausibility - no matter what you insist, OP - that your brother offloads his baggage on to his partners, and no-one else; and that they see a side of him that remains hidden elsewhere, because that kind of intimacy is the kind that brings it out.

Having an over-invested sister, who not only posts here, but who is really rather disparaging of those who might question her on a forum, is another potential red flag for me.

Hideandgo · 01/10/2018 13:33

My DH is a serious catch and although he dated, nothing serious till he met me at 32. He is quite a black and white guy and refused to say I love you till he really meant it, wouldn’t live with someone unless he planned to marry them and wouldn’t introduce anyone to his family unless it was very serious (so he didn’t bring anyone home till me). He is an absolutely cracking guy, unbelievable intelligence, kindness, strength, huge motivation, massive high achiever and very sexy and good in bedBlush. But he actually held people at arms length as he was not willing to let someone in until he was serious and was also too busy building his career and training for serious sports stuff and volunteering etc.

Is your brother really open to finding someone or does he like the idea in theory but then his mind is really on other things like his business?

Original poster
indigo13 · 02/10/2018 07:15

Yes he does find social things a barrier to his work and would sometimes rather cancel them. I feel like this would be different if the right woman came along because she does enjoy things outside of work very much.

If taking the bait from those who come on here to say something stupid is disparaging and snippy then just call me indigo scissor hands 🤗

I am aware that how he appears to us could be very different to how he appears to a partner, but as I've said, there haven't been the opportunities to get that far!

Re over invested sister who posts on mumsnet putting ladies off, see above.

There have been some encouraging stories here so thank you for those, if he wants to pursue o.l.d then I'm assuming that POF isn't the way to go?!

OP posts:
HereIgoagainxx · 02/10/2018 08:17

Re the gay comments, I think the insinuation is that he is fighting it and therefore not really open to relationships with women so is not trying too hard to find them or sustain them.

I'm currently single and happy with it. Is your brother happy, op? Being in a relationship doesn't make everything ok. I know a lot of people in unhappy relationships that envy me and my carefree life.

I never used to be ok with being single till fairly recently. Once I stopped caring about whether I met someone or not, I actually realised how happy and blessed I am .

MoniBitchell · 02/10/2018 08:32

what does he think about his situation?

Does he want a partner? Does he want his sister discussing him like a pathetic lost cause who JUST NEEDS A GOOD WOMAN?

Maybe being single isn't the worst thing in the world for him. Maybe it's possible to live a valued life without having a significant other.

Or maybe he's shagging around to his heart's content without telling his sister!

User1011 · 02/10/2018 09:53

Maybe he needs to be more of an a**hole.

Does he have a sense of humour?
Does he have size/performance concerns?
Is he confident?

beachcomber243 · 02/10/2018 10:47

There could be quite a few reasons. Certain people/personalities who are much too picky, no one comes up to scratch looks wise and even if they good enough to date it never gets past the first date due to a small flaw/wrong clothes/silly remark/no ambition etc.

Or else there is a side which does not show respect to their partner, a snappy side, the partner gets sick of being got at...for eg.

There could be problems with intimacy, sexual issues, they could feel trapped in relationships, they could be selfish...they could feel they lose their identity being in a couple etc.etc.

Hideandgo · 02/10/2018 11:12

I never dated much when younger and often if I fancied someone and they indicated they liked me, I got totally freaked out and pushed them away. I couldn’t bear to have someone so close to me, expecting so much of me, having to be vulnerable to them. And I guess afraid of feeling like a dick if they dropped me. I was outgoing but very shy about having a partner.

I liked my DH enough to risk all that thankfully😊

Maybe your brother is a bit like I was when younger?

GraceMarks · 02/10/2018 11:24

My brother is older than yours by a good few years and has never had a long-term girlfriend. He lives on his own, has a good job and is respected by his colleagues, and spends most of his leisure time gaming. On the face of it, he isn't doing what is expected of him, and our mother is always pestering him about why he hasn't got a girlfriend, but in truth, he really doesn't want one. His lifestyle suits him and he doesn't have to answer to anyone.

I suspect he generally has a few casual friends-with-benefits things going on that he doesn't really want to talk about to his family, because most people don't tell their parents about their sex lives. Mum isn't very good at picking up on hints, though, and is forever harping on to me about how my brother is such a good catch, and why don't women want nice men any more, and how he's too shy and awkward to stand a chance against all the smooth-talking bastards etc etc etc. But I've seen him around women occasionally, and he's nothing like she thinks he is in those situations; he would be more than capable of getting a girlfriend if he actually wanted one.

Are you sure that you a) see the same side of your brother that a potential date would, and b) that he wants what you think he wants?

LuckyDiamond · 02/10/2018 11:27

Has he told you he’s desperate to meet someone?

Coupledom isn’t all that.

otterturk · 02/10/2018 14:39

He sounds great. Send him this way!

Rebecca36 · 02/10/2018 14:46

Thirty two isn't very old by today's standards. He'll probably meet someone to settle down with in the next couple of years.

Thinkingofausername1 · 02/10/2018 15:27

Maybe he is one that is just happy with his own company and he doesn't want the hassle of someone else? Sometimes it's just something simple Grin

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