wanting to see less of the ILS after DH passed away

[ProbablyUngrateful]

I have been reading mumsnet for years but I have just joined today because I need to talk about this to someone but I can't talk to anyone in real life because I know it is wrong of me to feel this way and I know how ungrateful I sound but at the same time I feel like I need to at least talk this through with someone.

Dh passed away 6 months ago. It was really sudden and admittedly I didn't cope very well in the first couple of months. I found the DCs tough to deal with and I wasn't there for them as much as I should have been.

The ILs were really good to us during this time. The often picked the younger two DCs up from school for me and looked after the DCs when I had stuff to sort out even though they were trying to deal with the loss of their son.

They were an excellent support during the school holidays when we were all struggling with the lack of routine and I really am so very grateful and pleased to have them. But the school holidays was also the time were the DCs started to complain about going to the ILs all the time. They started to say that it was boring and all MIL wants to do is talk about DH but they don't want to do that all the time.

I politely mentioned to the ILs that the younger two DCs were going through a phase of not wanting to talk about DH as much anymore, as it was upsetting them so maybe if the DCs were starting to get upset could the ILs distract them with something else to take their mind off it. MIL was really upset with me and she told me that it was ok for me because I could find a new husband but that she wouldn't have another son and the DCs wouldn't have another dad and that I didn't understand.

I tried to be understanding and explained that no-one would ever replace DH for me and Mil apologised a couple of days later.

As time has gone on I have found myself more able to cope and I decided that in September we would start to get back to "normal". I have gone back to work part time and restarted the volunteering I do one evening a week. I am making sure that the DCs are attending school everyday and that they have proper support in place.

Initially I offered to put the DCs in childcare while I was in work. However MIL was adamant that they want to help out so we decided that when I was in work the ILs would pick the DCs up from school.

However it is causing a few issues. The younger two are still saying that they don't want to go and find it boring. DD2 (5) really want to go to the afterschool club. She used to go everyday while DH was still alive, all her friends go and she is very social and active and she finds the ILs house boring. She also keeps getting angry with them because they only want to talk about sad things.

ILs also aren't disciplining the younger DCs at all DD1 (12) says that anything they do the ILs just dismiss as them missing their dad and just have cuddles and sweets till they feel better. I have also had problems with DD2 at school as she keeps doing bad things (hitting, calling others names, not doing as she is told) and when she is pulled up by the teachers she says that it isn't her fault as she is missing her dad. Initially the school were sympathetic but after a while they realised that she seems to be using it as an excuse to do what she likes.
I have noticed this happening more at home too and when I talked to her about she told me that MIL said that it was ok because she doesn't mean it she just misses her dad.

DD1 is also struggling with going to see them all the time. She says that she feels a bit awkward around them because MIL is always saying things about DH that weren't true (for example saying DH was amazing at football and cooking when he wasn't). She would rather get the school bus home and be in the house by herself till I get there. However she also doesn't want to hurt ILs feelings especially because she is DHs step daughter and even though she has always been treated like one of their family she still worries about upsetting them and the ILs not liking her anymore.

MiL is still being very demanding about wanting to see the DCs and asking us to visit on the day were I'm not working because she misses us. I know that I am really awful for saying this because she just wants to be close to her grandkids after losing her son . But sometimes I want time with just me and the DCs. But if we have plans she invites herself to join us and if we don't have plans she comes to visit us at home. FIL has asked me to just go with it because she just wants to feel close to the kids but I am finding all a bit too much.

Before Dh died we used to see PILs once every two weeks, and I am happy to see them more often than that now but we saw her for 13 days in a row and today when I promised the DCs a day with just us and told MIL that we were sorting out the house and not to visit and that we would see her on Monday. She still came round today "just to pop in" and then she stayed all afternoon.

I just don't know what to do because if I ask to see less of them or if I stop the DCs going to theirs after school and let them do what they want then MIL is going to be very upset. They have helped us so much and I feel so horrible saying it but it just feels like it's too much and I know I need to suck it up after all that they have done for us but at the same time I don't know how to stop myself from getting annoyed.

I'm worried that I might cause another argument and upset everyone but the more they visit the more annoyed I get and I know thats really horrible after everything. But I can't seem to help feeling this way and I don't know how to stop it.

I would put the youngest in after school club and let your eldest make her own way home.

You may get tears etc but you need to be firm and not feel guilty, as your DC needs are your priority.

As other Pp have said arrange set times so your MIL is still having some time with her GC.

Once you’ve got the younger ones back in after school clubs, you may need a plan to ensure that your MIL doesn’t pop round to your house when dd1 is home by herself after school, and spend all afternoon with her every day.

Why don't the ILs come to your house, then the DCs have their own stuff to play with or use.
Can you suggest it's homework time when they get in so ILs can help with that and they are all doing something useful.
Also, if the ILs are a bit selfish, perhaps they weren't the best support for the DCs at the time of your DH's death. So what about some counselling or support from someone at the school, especially for DD2 who seems to be troubled the most.
I wouldn't book your one day off with visiting. Fit it in after school one day or have them for tea, then you can control the conversation.

I'd sit down with the kids and have a really good talk, about how sad it's been, about how much you all miss him, and how things are now, how could we improve them?
Then go back to the gp and tell them the plan.
Sadly you're not responsible for dealing with their grief. Tell them when they can expect visits from you all, or invite them over for a meal regularly.
But the focus needs to be you and the children.
Best of luck cos it's going to be hard.

I think your post is well explained and compassionate towards your in laws. I think you have some great advice from pp. I just wondered if your dh had any siblings? Could they help support their parents in their grief allowing you and your children some space?

My sibling died when I was a child and I found that my grandparents struggled to move on & didn’t enjoy visiting them. I like the idea of a once a week visit as they may be concerned they will be pushed out of your children’s lives & that would offer reassurance whilst firm boundaries are put in place.

This is tricky but..... stop apologising. You have done nothing wrong, it is a shitty situation for everyone involved but you cannot support your MIL at the expense of your children and your children cannot support their granny at their expense either.

Of course you leant on your PIL in the immediate aftermath of your loss, that’s totally understandable and their support of you and her grandchildren was generous but her needs and you and your children’s needs are no longer on the same trajectory. I totally understand her motives but it doesn’t make it right. She does needs support but don’t let her chosen outlet for that become a toxic dynamic that’s serves nobody.

I’m afraid you’re going to have to be more assertive and let your children’s needs be the guide, which means that MIL will need other outlets to work through her grief. Of course you and your children still love and need her but right now her needs are too complex for you to satisfy.

You’re not being cruel or ungrateful, what you are trying to do is satisfy the differing needs of different people who are at different stages of the grieving process.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Thank you all so much for replying.

DD1 and DD2 are both in counselling through the school. DS is a little young for that yet but when he is ready I will arrange some for him.

I don't really want to lie to MIL but equally I don't want to upset her either . But you are right I need to focus on the DCs and what will help them.
I am trying to think of some sort of plan that might work for everyone but I still don't know how to stop MIL visiting unannounced.

MIL used to be a very active volunteer till DH died. But I don't think she has been back there since and I'm not sure that its my place to suggest that she starts doing it again before she is ready.

Could you get in touch with them and suggest they approach mil? Maybe she needs a nudge? A man I know who recently lost his dw has been out and about but his family think he hasn't left the house. Assume he feels bad he is coping when maybe he feels he shouldn't be...

You don’t need to upset her, but you do need to do what’s right for the dc. This seems to be seeing less of her and letting them get back to normal. Time for a gentle but firm chat with mil and a tactical withdrawal. You may need to be a little harsh, so if she ‘pops’ round, you all have to go out, sorry, mil, see you another day. Or even say you’ve promised the dc a day with just you. Whilst it’s only 6 months since he died, making the kids wallow in grief every time they go round is unfair.

You’re their mum and you need to stand up for them because they’re too young to do so. If the 12 year old is mature enough to be home alone, allow her.

I do think you have to say something directly. You don't need to be unkind. But it is ok to tell her that you can't see her every day. At the moment guilt and obligation are making you focus on her. needs, and not crossing them. But you have different needs, aa so your children, and these must be addressed first, for you all to be able to cope. Sometimes an honest but kind conversation works best.

Yes the unannounced visits need to stop (I have a feeling that you probably see her everyday), as it’s hindering your children’s ability to process what’s happened.

I know she is grieving, but her grief in no way surpasses anyone else’s.

Set a day(s) when she can expect to see them and stick to it rigdgerly. Tell her that any unannounced visits over the set days/day; are not acceptable and are not appreciated, as you want to spend time with your children by yourself or even letting them spend time with other relatives or friends.

May I ask, was your DH an only child? I ask because he had a sibling, then maybe they could reinforce what you will do when you or your children are not there.

I really feel for you all. Your MIL is obviously still in a very early stage of grief (as you all are) but as everyone is saying, it is really not appropriate that she depend too much on the grandchildren to cope with her own emotions. As very, very hard as it is, as their mum you really need to put in some boundaries around your family so you can start to build your new life without DH.

I think perhaps biting the bullet and also being honest about the unplanned “pop-ins” needs to be addressed. If you are very empathetic and say how much you know she wants to be around the children etc. but as part of your rebuilding with the children you really need to be able to plan your day and spend lots of time yourself with the children without unexpected visits.

Maybe tell FIL you are going to have the conversation so he can make the right sounds and be there for the fallout afterwards if MIl is very angry and upset. You are not unkind for doing this, you have a right to do what helps you right now. Of course early on you appreciated your ILs help so much, but it is part of the healing process and a healthy sign that you are ready to just be you and the kids. Explain that to your ILs that this is part of grieving, as you move through you need a new sense of normality to deal with this next stage.

The things that you are saying may feel too soon for your MIL but as others have said her grief and emotions are not your responsibility, you have enough of your own to be dealing with. Another poster was so wise in saying that MIL needs to be finding resources outside the family for this next stage.

All good wishes to you, you sound like a really fabulous mother and a caring DIL. I think you will continue to have a good relationship with your ILs, this is just so tricky because of the very sad circumstances.

I think you need to be direct over some parts of this, but how you frame it will make a difference.

So, I would definitely tell her that the unannounced visits need to stop.
I would use the reason that you need time with just the dcs, and that every free time you have gets interrupted.
Support her by saying the dcs talk to each person in a different way, so they have had LOTS of time talking to MIL, but actually not enough talking to Mum, and as their Mum, you need to create that time for them.
Also, that some part of grieving needs to be done alone, and they aren't getting head space for that, so you need to ringfence time for them.

That way it isn't anti MIL, but pro kids.