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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A month married and things aren't good!

23 replies

easylover · 30/09/2018 21:38

My poor dp had an unexpected heart attack a week before we got married, he's only 48 so it was a big shock for us all. It was touch and go whether the wedding would go ahead, it was stressful as he just felt awful coming out of hospital he obviously couldn't do anything. He looked awful and I could tell he just felt awful, the meds didn't help either.

Anyway he somehow managed to get through the day and the wedding went ahead, it was emotional because of the build up to it and the fact he made it and was alive. We had a lovely day despite everything.

The problem is he is struggling with the feeling tired and the medication and he just doesn't feel the same. I do try my best to look after him and his 2 dds as well as my my own dcs but and I'm not blaming him he's different, he's miserable, tired, snappy and argumentative and when his dd plays up, won't go to school or is rude he can't be bothered to discipline her. She doesn't listen to me. I completely understand why he is being the way he is of course I do but obviously it's effecting the relationship, we're not close during a time we need to be. He's in a world of his own most of the time, maybe he's depressed. I don't know what to do to help him and to get our relationship on track.... it's scary I don't want to loose him Sad

OP posts:
PeterPiperPickedSeaShells · 30/09/2018 21:42

My DP had a heart attack aged just 46 (although we'd be married a few years). It took him many months to recover physically but possibly longer to rebuild emotionally. He had suddenly been extremely vulnerable & couldn't do all the things he could before. There is a massive physiological element to recovering from a life threatening illness or event - could you try reading around this?

notWORKzilla · 30/09/2018 21:48

We found it very hard after we got married, the stress and expectations and perceived (by ourselves) pressure to be all happy was very difficult.
Add a serious health issue and the traumatic stress after that and you’re in a cauldron!
Be kind to yourself. Can you make an appt with your GP to ask about advice about what to expect after such a serious health incident.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 30/09/2018 22:06

You both HAVE to communicate!
Easier said than done I know.He's not only still physically recovering, he's mentally recovering.
And meds can put your body and mind all over the place.
Be patient,but talk!!
It will be ok!!😊

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2018 22:13

Depression is a very common problem after a heart attack. He needs to speak to his gp about this.

Welshmaiden85 · 30/09/2018 22:20

Just to add, his DDs are almost certainly ‘playing up’ in part due to the worry over their dad being seriously ill. I would seek some advice and see if you can talk to them about it. In general keep the boundaries but give them a lot of compassion.

With your DH, he probably feels physically terrible but also very vulnerable. Men don’t tend to be shown how to do vulnerable well and shut off. Not sure what the best thing to do is, but time is a big healer. Hang on in there.

easylover · 30/09/2018 22:40

Tbh his older dd does worry, she tells him not to do things and it's clear she cares, so I do talk to her and re assure her. His youngest is at a difficult age 13 and doesn't seem to understand what's happened to her dad and wants her dad to take her to Thorpe Park at the weekend with 3 friends for her birthday. He's clearly not up to it but he'll do it for his dd I just wish he would try and persuade her to go the cinema instead. She does cause a lot of drama in the house atm even before his heart attack so this is extra pressure.

I think he does need counselling but trying to get him there is another story!

OP posts:
corythatwas · 30/09/2018 23:34

My guess would be not that the 13yo doesn't understand (I hope you have communicated clearly with her), but that she desperately tries to will things to be different, for her old healthy dad to come back, for this not to have happened. I would try being very patient with her, explain that just now certain things can't happen, acknowledge that this is upsetting and it is hard on her too, but it is what it is.

springydaff · 01/10/2018 03:10

It's a serious health event and, regardless of gender, it can knock you for six emotionally and psychologically.

Some come out of it full of the joys, glad to be alive ; others come out of it fragile and traumatised. It has nothing to do with strength of character, it just falls where it will.

junebirthdaygirl · 01/10/2018 06:03

Here they have follow up at the hospital in sort of a support group. So diet exercise but also emotional support. Family can go too. Is there anything like that? Thank that as its so near the wedding its hard to accept that all your lovely expectations have been thrown to one side but take a long term view and be patient to get through this stage.

easylover · 01/10/2018 07:42

Well he's actually have a hospital appointment this morning so and I'm going with him so I'm going to ask then as he just makes out he's ok usually

OP posts:
easylover · 01/10/2018 10:10

I don't really understand but his hospital appointment didn't really go that well, they didn't say much other than his heart performance has reduced since leaving hospital. I'm trying to tell him Thorpe Park is not a good idea at the weekend he just shouts at me.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 01/10/2018 10:12

My poor dp had an unexpected heart attack a week before we got married, he's only 48 so it was a big shock for us all. It was touch and go whether the wedding would go ahead, it was stressful as he just felt awful coming out of hospital he obviously couldn't do anything. He looked awful and I could tell he just felt awful, the meds didn't help either.

^Why on earth didn’t you just postpone the wedding? He was obviously struggling then.

easylover · 01/10/2018 10:54

Lots of reasons greendale I haven't gone into details about that as that's not the issue right now ! Plus he wanted to!

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 01/10/2018 15:00

The body frequently somatises emotional experiences that can't be processed, OP. In other words, there might be a psychological aspect to your DH's heart attack. As a psychotherapist, for example, I would be interested in the fact that the organ was his heart - our emotional seat - and the timing, coming a week before your wedding.

I'm not saying that there isn't an underlying physical problem. But I wouldn't be ruling out a psycho/emotional one too.

I'm sorry - that might be difficult to hear. But if it makes a difference to your DH's recovery, then it could possibly be one that's worth bearing in mind.

prettygreywalls · 01/10/2018 15:11

I think you need to have a very clear talk with the DD13 she is plenty old enough to understand the seriousness of the whole situation and to have it explained that she is threatening his life with her selfish demands

Or

Can you take her to Thorpe Park or whatever it was she wanted to go to ? Leave husband at home resting ? Or is she doing this for attention of father / emotional blackmail / refusing your company

Time for all the family to pull together , step up and grow up and act together for the welfare of your husband 1st and foremost

Oddcat · 01/10/2018 15:16

I agree that a serious illness or life threatening event takes an enormous emotional toll . Make a joint appt with your GP Flowers

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 01/10/2018 15:22

A heart attack is a terrifying thing, OP. You are looking straight down the barrel. Emotionally he will be all over the place. On top of that he is on strong meds to minimise the stress to his heart which are leaving him exhausted. He may still have an underlying problem, the hospital appointment seems to confirm this.

Be as kind as you can, talk to his DD like a grown up about how to help his recovery, see if you can get her on your team. It will get better but you all need to be working together on this. Flowers

ApolloandDaphne · 01/10/2018 15:25

Of course things have changed. A heart attack is massive.

My DM had one 4 years ago and she has gone from someone who taught exercise classes twice a week and generally zoomed about at a million miles an hour to someone who can't walk very fast and struggle if it is windy. She is older than your DH but was a fit, slim and healthy 74 yo when hers happened. It took her a long time to recover both physically and mentally.

Your DH really should not be trying to go to a theme park at this early stage and his DD needs to understand that there are loads of things she just cannot expect her DF to be able to do.

I agree with a PP that a trip to your GP together might help get some answers to how much he can expect to be doing right now. If he is now having to take a lot of medication that may be affecting his mood and how he feels. It took a long time to get my DM's medication right.

DiamondsBestFriend · 01/10/2018 15:48

It’s very early days yet.

I had endocarditis (a virus attacked my heart) two years ago and it caused serious damage to my heart to the extent I almost died and spent several days in an induced coma.

The medication you have to take is horrendous. Beta blockers knock you for six because they’re designed to keep your heart rate down, similarly ace inhibitors which keep your blood pressure lower

I went from someone who was supremely fit and healthy to someone who on a bad day doesn’t leave the house, has 0 libido because of my medication and who has gone from being confident to not overnight, and I’m two years on.

I have in fact never minimised this to my own partner as I know that I can be difficult to live with at times.

However, if this is your life partner then you are together in sickness and in health, and sometimes the sickness bit is going to be harder than you could ever have anticipated.

Your dp has likely not yet come to terms with the fact that he is a different person now. There will be plans in place and being put in place for how the future is going to look in terms of his ultimate recovery,and that alone is scary because there is no knowing when those things are going to happen or even if. And in the meantime he is potentially afraid of having another heart attack, as I’m guessing that the one he had wasn’t expected and there weren’t any signs beforehand? In which case he may well be feeling as if he is living on tenter hooks.

In terms of taking his DD to thorp Park, he likely wants to do it because he just wants to feel normal again, and it is likely going to take time, and sometimes experiences, to realise that he can’t do the things he once could.

But equally he may find that he can get through going to Thorp park, and in that case it will have been an achievement for him iyswim.

Apart from his drugs, how is he doing? If they’ve said his heart performance is dropping do they have a plan in place to do something about that? Bear in mind that if he is likely to need surgery then he also needs to build his stamina over time, and that can take time but also emotional resilience.

And his DD is thirteen, hormonal and almost lost her dad. It might be worth having a chat with her along the lines of that while her dad wants to do these things with her, at the moment things are tentative because of his recovery, but that doesn’t rule out the future iyswim. My own DC was thirteen when I fell ill and it was an emotional time for all of us.

Equally if your DP really wants to go to Thorp Park be careful not to make him feel as if he is incapable. I’ve had experiences where I really want to do something and a member of my family will say “well obviously you can’t go,” and I recently ended up in floods of tears over it because everyone else has decided what I’m no longer capable of and it feels like they’ve taken my identity and become decision-makers on my behalf, even though that’s not how they intended it and they do genuinely only have my best interests at heart.

The ultimate goal here is communication, communication, communication, and if he is finding it hard to come to terms with things for himself, then communicating those things to you is going to feel doubly so.

Sorry for the essay. :-)

easylover · 02/10/2018 09:17

Thank you for sharing diamond, I think the hospital appointment yesterday raised more questions than answers, we have to wait for a follow up appointment to see what's next.

Thorpe Park is off as her friends can't go anyway, it wasn't meant to be. I'm relieved!

I guess I'm stressed as had a lot going on lately I lost my dad a year before the wedding, I lost my sister too as she fell out with me (another thread) my daughter been very ill I have my own health problems and then boom dp had a heart attack. He was my rock during bad times for me so it's my turn to be his rock but sometimes it's hard because he's pushing me away and on the defensive because of all the reasons you've all mentioned. I understand but still find it hard

OP posts:
Olderbyaminute · 04/10/2018 00:26

OP-I’m a Cardiac Registered nurse here in the US on the East coast-if you need info about post heart attack care PM me I’d be happy to give you info or just support you! Hang in there sometimes life is a bitch

easylover · 04/10/2018 10:10

Thank you so much older x

OP posts:
PeakedTooEarly · 04/10/2018 10:18

We have had similar catastrophic life events OP. I think you have to almost forget you are recently married. It's desperately sad that you are never going to have the true honeymoon period that most of us have had but for now you have to be his rock, notch down the emotions and run everything yourself to take the mental load off him. His planning to go to Thorpe Park just because his 13yo wants to is absurd. She needs to be told how bad the situation is. If it makes her upset so be it. DH is priority now and he needs rest, recuperation and no hassle.

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