So sad splitting up

[humdrum21]

Is it normal to feel so, so sad splitting up if you are choosing to do so? Been with DP nearly two years. It has been lovely. This relationship picked me up and gave me happiness again after a devastating divorce when ex-H very suddenly left.

I know it's not right longterm for quite a few practical reasons. Plus he drove me mad sometimes. But he's such a lovely kind man and he is devastated. It is hard to stay firm and split when he is giving me loads of reasons to stay together. However the balance is now so unequal as he has really been begging. I know we can't go back after this. But he's so kind and helpful and I do miss him. Never stopped feeling attracted to him.

I know I wouldn't be happy longterm with him. Is it normal to feel sad like this when you are choosing to split?

Why are you splitting up? It sounds as though neither of you want to.

List the reasons, for yourself, as a clear reminder of why you’re leaving him.

Are you sure you want to?

I kind of feel neither of us do. But I've done it (though still in constant contact) and now if we were to get back together it would need to be a commitment and I'm not ready to make it and think I'd feel the need to split in the future and I'd put him through it all again. It's not fair to get back together when I know it's not what I want longterm. I don't know what I'm expecting anyone to advise, just that I feel I am trying to make a sensible decision but being swayed by how difficult it is and how sad he is.

Detaching hurts like hell even if you’re the one instigating it. That’s just the way it is. You feel sick with guilt, loss, and (unless you’ve got someone else lined up) lonely or scared of the loneliness that may follow. It is still a loss. But if you’re sure, you sure.

Also bear in mind that he will move on, he will fall in love with someone new, he will find happiness again. So don’t beat yourself up too much.

I could have written this. I ended my mainly positive relationship a couple of months ago- almost exactly the same circumstances. It was just time. And although I had lots of happy memories and experiences, I knew that a bigger commitment wasn't really an option. We had too many obstacles to overcome. Interestingly I didn't really know this until something happened that was a bit threatening to myself and my children (think tenancy issues). Suddenly I realised that although I loved him, he wasn't part of my family and I had to make choices that didn't include him. I knew then that I had to end it. I cried quite a lot. So did he. Then he got angry and that was hard. Kept giving me reasons why we should stay together. But it was the right thing to do and I'm much more content now. More peaceful. I wasn't ready for the emotional commitment he took. I'm not in touch at all now and that's a bit tough too- he was a great friend and I still fancy him. He just wasn't husband number 2.

Thanks so much for these helpful responses. I know he'd do anything for me and my kids and that's hard to walk away from. But it's also part of the problem as he'd sweep his whole life to the side for us, and I just don't feel the same way. I do love him but not wholeheartedly and it's not fair. We wouldn't be in this situation if he would accept things and walk away but he keeps appearing being so kind and supportive but ultimately trying to talk me round.
It does help to hear others have been in a similar situation and have made the same choice.