The shit has hit the fan

[brokenteapot]

I had a dismal first marriage and a painful divorce. I met someone things were great I absolutely adored him. he moved in ( I ended al my child tax credits etc as he earns above the threshold ) and left his rented house his boys moved back in with their mum he simply couldn't cope anymore with them at that time due to his working hours and they had became a handful just everything in his life had come to a need of change really. As soon as he moved in he changed he is resentful and bitter he misses his kids 16 and 13 and seems to deep down blame me. He threatens to leave constantly he is always arguing with me he twists every single single thing I feel like I'm being tormented mentally. He turns on me in a split second. He puts me down analyses my voice my expressions etc which is massively in my down fall as I have dyspraxia, he acts like I'm the devil.
The problem is I'm 44 and just found out I'm pregnant. He doesn't want it and makes me feel like shit .
I'm starting to get morning sickness and I'm always tired. He has no emotion about that. My house has to be sold early next year as it's my marital home . I still have my two older kids living here they are students 20 and 18 so financially not good .
I won't get a mortgage on my own especially with a dependant as now pregnant I'm old and tired and have never been settled or stable and now I'm screwed. I left my job of 11 years and am in a part time job still on probation . I'm totally broken.

Didn't want to read and run. He's an idiot and has to go. Get him out - yiur house, your choice - he goes. and get your benefits back. Next, you have choices about the child - they are your choices and no one will blame you whichever choice you make.

Wow I don’t have the answers but here to hand hold. He doesn’t sound like a nice person so whatever you decide about the pregnancy, you and he need to part ways. How do you feel about the pregnancy? X

@travailtotravel I'll only get credits now up until June ( if I'm only claiming for my son. ) i have no wage slips ( H R problem) and I'm worried it might have changed to universal credit now which I see people are waiting 6 months for.
@Help201602 I feel terrified at the thought of doing it alone in my forties and finding somewhere for us to live , going back to work child care etc etc I can't even think about it I really can't

Just wanted to post to offer you support. From your post I can tell you're at rock bottom. So, well done for posting on her, and many people will come along and offer sound advice to you. You may think you don't have options, but you absolutely do. Your man is not a nice one, which you realise. As he is in your house, it's your absolute right to ask him to leave - you are getting nothing from this relationship and he's dragging you down. It's totally your decision, but you need to do some soul searching and decide whether or not you want to proceed with this pregnancy. Regarding your house being sold, presumably you'll have the benefit of some equity to help you? Sorry to hear about the job, but again I'm sure you have skills which would enable you to get either a new job or more hours with the present one. Good luck, OP, with whatever your decide.

How long have you been together?
What happened with his boys? Are they now happier and settled?

At the moment everything seems bleak but it will get better...trust that it will work out.

I guess you will have equity in the house and 44 means you have lots of working life ahead of you.So it could be a temporary situation.
Check what you can buy with equity, even a much smaller place could work and do a benefits check.

Poor you, I do sympathise.
Step one - you have to get him to leave. Even if you decide to keep the baby he will not be helpful
Step two- you need to decide whether it’s realistic and what you want to keep the baby.

You can make these decisions without telling him at this stage. He is not being at all fair to you; you need to put YOURSELF first. I have a feeling you’re not used to doing this. But please do it on this occasion.

Poor you. Do the obvious stuff first. Ask him to leave. You don’t need him undermining you.
Then once you have some peace, decide what you want to do about the pregnancy. Your choice.

Once those two are done, you have 6 months to work on the rest.

Also, I got a mortgage at 48 so it can do done.

Agree with PPs.

Get rid of him-you don't need him.

Then decide if you want to keep the baby, keeping in mind you will likely be doing it without any support from him.

Reclaim your tax credits or UC.

I suggest you do all this before you sell the house.

Well if you have the baby that's credits sorted for a while longer.
What happens to the money from the sale of the house? Why are you selling - does ex need the money?

I would definitely kick out the current boyfriend. He needs to sort his relationship with his kids out. Never one in unless they are prepared to make it legal. How do you feel about the baby ? I'd say the timing was good. You have less hours at work but work enough to give you something else in your life. As a single parent you can certainly give Uni and things a good go as there is money and support available.
This could be an opportunity to give life a new direction.

Well he's got to go, I'd say that's the first job and if he's picking arguments with you about the items you mention it should be easy to stick to. Assess if you want to keep the baby - maybe it really is a big mistake or maybe you really want it - only you know the answer for that. Good luck OP.

A lot of your problems stem from your dp.

Get rid of him and you will be able to think more clearly.

You can't make decisions when someone is criticising your every word.

Get rid of him. He's not adding much value to your life.

You need to sit down and write down everything you need to do to sort it out for you. And then you need to get rid of this piece of slimeturd, you can go legal route in getting him to pay for his child.

But you do not need such a negative drain on you right now. You can now start a life for yourself and your new baby and it will be tough lets not skirt around it but it will be so much easier without him in your life.

And try and concentrate on you first and find your happy place before you even contemplate finding love again. Even if it is a few years because as you know you will not have time to pander to a needy demanding man with a baby in your life.

Get him out of the house straight away. You do not need someone who treats you like shit. Bottom line.

Make a decision about the baby.

Then make a plan.

Never have contact with this man again.

You are having an awful time but take control and get a grip. You can sort this out.

First of all do you think you can go ahead with this pregnancy? I wouls choose not to. In fact I did terminate as it wasn't the right time and I do not regret it.
He will get worse if you go ahead. He's clearly abusive.

Also get rid of him and make a plan.

one thing to consider is are you sure you can handle being forever connected to this man by sharing a child with him. I

No matter what happens you'll be better off without him.

What was your plan for housing before you met your partner? Were you going to sell? Remortgage? Buy another?

You will still have options

A partner is supposed to support and help you. A partner will listen to your concerns and try to alleviate them. They do not blame, criticise or make things worse. This man is not a partner to you OP. The fact that he abandoned his two children because it became 'difficult' for him should have shown you what sort of person he is.

He needs to go. Having him there is making things worse for you, not better. You do not have to go ahead with this pregnancy. The decision is entirely yours. You need to decide whether you want to have a baby in your life right now. Once that decision is made, everything else can be sorted.

Get him to move out and take some time on your own to think about what you really want.

Your choice is exactly that... yours. I can only add my opinion which counts for nowt...BUT if it were me, I’d not keep the baby. I’d eliminate that huge and terrifying responsibility which ties me to a man who is no good.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this....you must be in such turmoil.

How long were you with him before you moved in together?

I can imagine his kids feel very upset as well.

Why did you leave your job?

Op - I get from your posts that you feel 'responsible' for him and his choices. His choices, his children, his living arrangements (in the future), his relationship with his ex, his mental health - ALL NOT YOUR PROBLEMS!

Your problems RIGHT NOW are your finances (get advice on UC/CB etc) from CAB; your baby (do you want it? Can you afford it? Factor in his contribution to this, BTW) and your home. Chuck him out, and take one step at a time.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice it has really given me to the courage to address these issues and I'm happy to say everything has been laid bare and discussed . I'm hopeful that this was just a bad stressful life changing couple of months for both of us trying to deal with all our personal issues and big life changes. Then the pregnancy right on top had literally wiped the floor with us . I think it needed to reach this point for us to break and realise what was happening.