I need some help,I've been married for 22 years with my husband 28 over half of my life spent with this man. It has been turbulent but I have always tried my best to keep going and make it work.. we had our first child before we were married and having a baby at any stage can be a life changer it was compounded by the fact he kept walking out and going back to his mum. Yes before you ask we were young but for me I had the responsibility of this little person and had no other option but to be the best mum and provide the best life opportunities for our daughter.. my mother in law was very controlling, she told lies was abusive and in all the time she was alive my husband never stuck up for me saying his mum wouldn't do or say those things unless they were true.. he soon later found out that she was lying but for me a lot of damage and abuse had gone on and my confidence as at a low.. Our second child was born he had some health problems, my husband said he couldn't deal with them and left me to get on with it.. I put an awful lot of weight he started calling me fat etc and that I was just no good.. 20 years on I still get upset when I reflect on it..
Over the years he told me he could never do anything because it would never be good enough or up to my standard but I never ever said anything, if I was ever in the car and he was driving and hit the curb he would instantly say that was my fault because I was sitting there .. btw there is so much to say this post would be a novel.
I have always been upbeat and a positive person looking at things in a way that nothing is insurmountable.. I have supported my children in everything they have done to obtain a good education.. my youngest has s long term disability but I have fought for him to get the right therapy and now he has achieved his dream of going to uni.. in supporting my children it has often led to conflict with my husband as he often referred to me as a ' dog with a bone ' .. but everything I have done was for the benefit of my children he would said there no point..
This is just the tip of the iceberg... fast forward a number of years and I started to loose the weight over ten stone , but this wasn't good enough either if I went out with my friends he contacted them to check what I was doing in-fact I am rarely asked out by them.. he comes across as this caring attentive person in front of others but when prying eyes are away he can't be bothered I'm hard work .. he withdraws drinks and stays in his own world .. if people see us together they call us the perfect couple but I have had years of putting a smile on..
The breaking point for me was he told me he didn't want me anymore he would rather smoke drugs get drunk, I always thought things would get better and it was own time when the children left home.
I bumped into an old friend who was going through a relationship breakdown and when I was out walking he used to join me.. I am very fond of him, I would say I love him. I was explaining to him about how things were at home and he told me I need to get away from the toxic relationship.. however I explained to him that I was frightened that my children wouldn't want to speak to me again.
I plucked up the courage to speak to my mum and ask for help I couldn't live like this anymore and I needed to get out ..the response being ' I have had to live with it so should you' and my mum contacted my daughter to tell her I was fooling around.. I was devastated it led to a fractured relationship between my daughter and I when we were so very close.. she actually flew home to sort her father and me out and my husband just said to her ' your mum is annoyed cause I'd rather watch porn than service her' I could have died when he said that..
I felt very very low , betrayed by my family and on my own I thought I had only one way out..
My male friend is still on the scene and he has been the only support in the situation .
I don't want to break up my home but I need to move on everyone plays on my generous nature even my husband . He kept saying he would move out but when it came to it he would start being nice and ask could he stay for another while because he would be lonely and I wouldn't want that.. making me feel guilty and bad ..
He made me feel so bad guilty I was having panic attacks then I said in the spare of the moment during a panic attack I don't want to break up the home, but I wish I hadn't said that things have gone back to there old ways in fact I collect my husband last night he was extremely drunk started to get abusive then spat on our front step of the house . When I said that was disgusting and he shouldn't crap on his own doorstep it exploded .. he didn't hurt me physically but verbally then headed off to bed..
My male friend says he will wait for me he's been the only one there for me and fir the first time I know what it feels like to be loved and to really love someone.. but my husband periodically keeps saying he will take his own life .. I don't believe he will I just think it's another way of trying to control me.. my husband has low self esteem due to his own childhood and work issues and he feels emasculated by by his mother a female colleagues and has told me the only person he can take it out on is me .
So I took him back and it the worst decision I have made in my life. I need to say it's over but I don't know how , he's unpredictable and that scares me.. I love my male friend deeply and he loves me and I know I'm happier and more settled when I'm with him.. my son has met him and has said for me to go for it because he's witnessed first hand what I have had to deal with, on the flip side my daughter has said if I go with this man she won't speak to me and I should feel ashamed at my age .. I'm only 45 (she's 27) and yes I want to live and marry this other man ( he has asked me) but I don't want my daughter to feel I've walked out on her after all her father did that for years so I have been the only constant stable person in her life.. she also knows her father has no family no friends and doesn't want him to be on his own .. I always thought my daughter would be more understanding given she had s similar relationship issue which I supported her through. I can't help feeling if my mother hadn't of betrayed me and filled my daughters head with stories of me playing around would it be different. but I can't do this anymore .. please help