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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Alcoholic brother living with our Mother should he be kicked out?

16 replies

bignbouncy · 12/06/2007 11:34

My eldest brother is 50 and lives with my mother who has just turned 75. He has been an alcoholic for the past 10yrs plus, but we have only found this out in the last year. Since we found out he has had two dry spells one of 5 mths and one of 3mths. He has been in hospital a couple of times due to damage to his liver and also injured himself very badly at new year , when he fell down my mothers stairs whilst drunk and split his head open. I found him unconscious and bleeding heavily at the bottom of the stairs still clutching a bottle of wine, my mother and my 6yrs old dd witnessed all of this. I was just glad I was their to call the ambulance ad clear up the blood my poor mum was in pieces. I live 300 miles away from my mum's so only visit every couple of months. My brother is a lovely gentle, highly intelligent person who would never physically harm my mother and when he is sober he does lots of jobs round the house for her, like any decent son would. My problem is that I don't think it's fair that he stays at my mothers if he is going to continue to drink. But equally my mother would be devastated if he were to be kicked out.
Basically should he stay or shopuld he go?

OP posts:
bignbouncy · 12/06/2007 14:00

Please has anyone been in this situation?

What did you do?

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themoon66 · 12/06/2007 14:03

Gosh. Difficult one. Is there a local drug and alcohol service that can keep an eye on him? We have one in this area called AddAction, but I'm not sure if they are national.

bignbouncy · 12/06/2007 14:04

He has just called me very obviously pi$$ed and swears blind he has not touched a drop since January.
I feel so so my poor mum having to deal with him.

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themoon66 · 12/06/2007 14:07

Can you or your mum contact the GP? Ask for a referral to the drug and alcohol service or the local community psychiatric nursing service?

bignbouncy · 12/06/2007 14:08

He's been attending a local centre and getting help.
He has been so fine for 3months.
We (the family) gave him a letter in January saying if he ever drank turned up drunk at our mothers house he would have to find alternative lodgings.

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bignbouncy · 12/06/2007 14:10

Its not a new situation, we just didn't know how big a problem it was until about a year ago. He has a councillor who he has been seeing.

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themoon66 · 12/06/2007 14:10

So, I suppose you are going to have to be firm and stick to what you've said in the letter, if this is what you all agreed to... including your brother. Could he move out somewhere temporarily, but still be close?

Does he want to stop drinking?

bignbouncy · 12/06/2007 14:12

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to move out until he is sorted?
Which I understand could be never

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bignbouncy · 12/06/2007 14:13

We are happy to rent him a flat. We certainly would'nt want to see him homeless.

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bignbouncy · 12/06/2007 14:15

I just feel so sorry for him if he was a nasty guy it would be so much easier to move him out

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themoon66 · 12/06/2007 14:15

I don't see it as unreasonable... after all, that is what was agreed earlier in the letter.

bignbouncy · 12/06/2007 14:18

I am just worried that to move him out of the family home might make him drink more. But I guess that's up to him.

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chipkid · 12/06/2007 14:22

A close friend of mine lived with a man who was an alcoholic. He would lie and hide bottles etc.
Eventually she ended the relationship and made him leave her home. It was horrendous at the time. He moved into a hotel and drank more and more.
He had a responsible job and that wwas going down the pan.
Eventually he reached rock bottom, checked ito a residential rehab and has been free of drink for the past 8 or so years.
The point is that whilst he maintains the comfort of living with your mother he is ulikely to address his problem it is easier for him to continue to deceive than tackle his alcoholism-a huge huge hurdle.
He needs to see there is no other way than abstenance and until he does he will struggle to give up in my view.
You have to be very cruel to allow him to address his problem
good luck

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/06/2007 14:26

bignbouncy,

Re your comment:-
"We are happy to rent him a flat. We certainly would'nt want to see him homeless".

There has been to date no consequences for his actions from his Mum; he remains at your Mum's house even though he is hopelessly drunk. Even if he hits rock bottom and loses everything dear to him he may still carry on drinking. There are no guarantees here.

Will he be responsible enough to pay the rent on time?. I would actually counsel not to enable him further by renting a flat for him.

BTW where is the money for the drink coming from?.

What happened to him, something started him drinking to excess, what's he trying to escape from?.

I would counsel that you talk with Al-anon. They are very helpful to families of alcoholics,

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/06/2007 14:30

Hi bignbouncy,

re your comment:-

"I am just worried that to move him out of the family home might make him drink more. But I guess that's up to him".

Yes he may drink more but him moving out would give your Mother some respite from his drunkenness. You are correct to surmise that it is indeed up to him; he made a conscious choice to start drinking.

bignbouncy · 12/06/2007 14:41

Have no idea why he drinks says because he's bored.
He works 3 days a week and gets paid well for the fact its 3 days, he has degrees coming out of his ears.
Thankyou so much for your replies it has made me feel stronger and more able to deal with him.
The person here who is being damaged most by this is my mum, and she would never ask him to move out no matter how unhappy she was.
I have two other brothers who live in the same town and they are happy to supervise his moving out. I just needed someone I didn't know to tell me I'm not the heartless ow that I feel like.
I certainly wouldn't want to live with him, so why subject my mother to it.
Thankyou all so much

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