Threat of Court for Contact.

[CandyB12]

Hi all,
I have never posted before but I am interested in everyones views. I have 5 children but this concerns 3 of them. I split with my eldest childrens dad over 8 years ago due to DV I fled with the children. The last straw was when he slit his wrists and waved them about in front the children whilst screaming "say goodbye to daddy"because I tried to end our 6 year relationship, he has ADHD but not under the Doctors for it and was poorly managed in childhood as his mum is an alcoholic and she couldn't manage. He started court proceedings which during, my dad died and I got seriously assaulted, he contacted me and we agreed to only concentrate on the children and completely take ourselves out of the equation and start up contact and leave the Courts out of it. We gradually went from park visits with me there and then without me there, it went well for a while. He got a girlfriend and I felt he was being "a good dad". I got a partner and me and my partner would do the 45 minute drive to drop them off and pick the children up. One day we picked the children up and he called to say my 5 yr old daughter is welcome to come round but my 2 yr old son is to naughty and he does not want to see him, we argued, I said he doesn't get to pick a favourite child and contact was lost. In 2014 I recieved a message from him saying he has done everything to find us and he doesn't want contact but just wanted to know how the children were. I told him they was doing well and settled at school etc...and I am happy to keep him updated on their lives, to which he wrote he will be taking me to court and they are his children. I agreed he can take me to court as they have only just gotten settled and bedwetting and behaviour tantrums had declined, I also felt the court can make contact safe for both children. He never made an application. I also recieved a msg from his sister stating "getting rid of my drug addict of a brother was the best thing I ever done". As the years have past and the children have felt more secure and some of the stories they tell me about what he did breaks my heart, I ask why they didn't tell me and they say they don't know they thought it was normal (mainly my eldest daughter, others don't remember too much) In 2016 my son was diagnosed with ADHD and Tourettes (physical ticks) he has had alot of Behavioural and Play therapy and is begginning to understand how to take responsibility for his own actions which is massive progress, his self esteem and confidence is up to the point he joined in on the school play this year and he has not been excluded from School for over a year. My eldest daughter was affected most and CAHMS have suggested EMDR Treatment (therapy). I now work for a Domestic Abuse Service and can deliver the Freedom Programme on a one to one basis, also got qualifications in Health and Social Care, Early Years and Special educational needs. I am very close to achieving my goal of becoming an Independent Domestic Violence Advisor, been with my partner for 7 years and we had 2 children together. So life was going well for all of us and all the issues from the past were in the process of being resolved untill my partner received a message over FB from him this week saying if I don't give him contact he is taking me to court then I recieved one from his sister saying shes on my side and he put a court application in 2 weeks ago and has his local social services on his side for full custordy because he has a full time job and no convictions (he does from the dv towards me). From everything I've learned especially over the past 5 years the one thing that sticks out most to me is my opinion is conflicted due to the Physical, Sexual and Emotional abuse he subjected me to and the Physical and Emotional abuse he subjected my children to, although I didn't know about the Physical part both types of abuse are as disgusting as the other. So I post on here in the hope of some advice and opinions so I can decide on my next steps that is in the best interests of my children because anything I think off I seem to beat myself up about.
Thanks in advance

I honestly think block them and they won't bother to even find you. Wishing you lots of luck and please try to stop worrying

Randommess your right and thank you...I'm taking that positive, I would have certainty and it is the uncertainty that worries me I suppose.....
Iris....yes I'm going to block them....I was if the opinion keep your friends close enemy's closer so when they message at least I can be prepared but he hasn't made any applications I even feel slightly stupid for making the post but the reassurance has really made a difference.....I never want to be one of them mums who put my own needs above my children and I have made some pretty shitty life choices so I really want to get this right for them.
Thanks all

Iris81 also wishing you the best of luck too.

Thank you @CandyB12
Don't feel stupid for posting. It is completely different when it's you in a situation compared to when you have your professional hat on isn't it!

Yes it really is and I'm so confident when giving advice to others..... I noticed that when I was reading it back when it was written out in the post I could see it from an outside view (Well sort of) so I will be trying that when I have a issue just writing it out and reading it back. Everyday is a learning opportunity 😂.

Iv been to court 4 times in about a year, not fun but totally manageable. The courts are only interested in whats in the best interest of the children. I have received legal aid due to DA, but to be honest no ones really interested in that in court!
I think they normally make a decision on if there is a risk to the child, this can unfortunately be seen as no or little risk regardless of that they have put the other parent through.
Its very hard to stop contact if both parents have pr, it has to be actively proven that he is a risk to the children. I am also pretty sure you wont be able to get any kind of order stopping him taking you regarding access, this is his right as the father who has PR.

There is such a thing as a barring order but this is used to stop some one persistently taking someone else to court, rather then the reasons you talk about.
If he wants to take you to court you can do nothing about just make sure you have a good solicitor, any court will see that hes not seen them for such a long time, they are also old enough to have a say in it all.
No judge on this earth will award 50/50 to a parent who hasn't seen their child for ages let alone full custody, he is trying to scare you.

I would struggle to manage going court 4 times in 1 year but you seem to be holding up well. I sorta think that if he doesn't respect my children's rights to have a consistent relationship with both biological parents then why should any court of law respect his right to have a relationship with children he has PR for the Law seems very one sided in that respect. I feel if he hasn't had extensive therapy for his ADHD, been on a Parenting Programme and a Domestic Abuse Perpetrators Programme then he is a safeguarding threat. There is the fact my children have had a meaningful relationship with their stepdad for 7 years, they write his last name as though it were there's in their School books etc (they have my last name)and after 4 years of no contact with bio dad they asked if they could call my partner dad which we actually struggled with for awhile but slowly it became a habit for them especially how they write him a father's day card every year, they are still very aware he is their step dad I've made sure that doesn't get confused so there isn't a shock later in their lives as my son is 9 and had no contact for 7 years. I just want what's best and it is so hard.

If i asked the court to support me asking him to get his ADHD under medical management and can be consistent with at the least 18 months worth of therapy to change his behavioural patterns and look at his beliefs as well as a Perpetrators Programme then to seek contact would they take that seriously rather then me obstructing contact. I actually think if he can assault a child that has nothing to do with his ADHD and no child in this earth should be put any where near him but apparantly the message from the family courts are "fathers hit your wife's and beat your children, leave it a few years and we will offer them back on a plate to you for you to assault and harass again" and the message to mothers are "when your abusive partner tells you he will track you down and take your children we will consider this so he is right and take him seriously" no wonder so many woman are to petrified to leave but this is only my opinion.

Are there any steps I can take to request a judge look at whether having parental responsibility is something that is in the best interests of our children....maybe ensuring the stability they currently have is more important then risking them being dropped or abused again .....I do keep seeing residency with a partner named or adoption as options when I'm googling things, obviously only if he doesn't follow through with his threat this time.....I would like to secure the children's stability especially as my son's condition relies on strict routine and as few triggers and upsets as possible....I don't know

they only have my partners FB

He needs to block them.

All the things you've mentioned are part of the court process. Cafcass will be involved you tell them all this stuff, insist that they get a report from CAMHS. You can request that he attends these courses (up to judge whether it is implemented). You can request that a contact centre is used and contact is built up slowly etc.

You are racing ahead at 1,000,000 miles per hour!

First step:
Get DP to block them on social media

2nd
Research solicitors to find one that is very good at dealing in abuse cases, see if they do free initial appointments

3
Tell CAMHS this threat has happened and how concerned you are

4
Do nothing else until court papers turn up (if they ever do)

Ok
step 1- to block- complete
Step 2- I already spoke to the CAB and they've given me a local list of solicitors they recommend.
Step 3- I will phone CAHMS first thing Monday and let them know the situation to see if they can put support in place if I do get a court summons.
Thank you, feel desperate at times.

Thought of another find some more therapy/counselling for you to help you overcome the fact that a vague threat is paralysing you with fear

I did go doctors last Tuesday and my doctor said she is insisting therapy if I get a court order I spend the first two days after getting that message being sick. Maybe your right and I should access that help now rather then waiting......I shall be infuriated if he comes to court not having worked on himself at all as I have had a whole year of therapy as well as parenting classes and freedom programme for myself....I've then embarked on education to be the role model the children deserve....I feel if he hasn't worked on himself the fact he hasn't been able to recognise he needs this help b4 establishing a relationship with the children shows he has not got their best interests at heart.....I may suggest no contact in the hope he spends the next 6 years learning the appropriate behaviours needed to role model to the kids and this will have more chance of the children having a meaningful relationship with their bio dad when they choose to not when he does