I really need some advice everyone because I feel like I am going mad.
I have been with my husband 14 years, since I was 18 and we have been married for 6 years. We have a 6 month old baby. He is 8 years older than me.
I have a good job, loads of hobbies and I am aware I give an impression of being very confident and together and happy.
For the last 2 years I have been having counselling to help me work through my parents very challenging marriage which ended when I was a teenager. As a result of this counselling I have learnt that I am a people pleaser to the point of madness, sacrificing my own happiness and wellbeing for it.
My husband, as once described by a friend, is a ‘pressure cooker’. Being with him is like treading on eggshells and always has been, I would describe him as autistic. If things are not going his way or he can’t have what’s he wants he has an explosive temper. Last weekend we had a dreadful fight which involved him screaming, shoving me, pushing me, throwing things and eventually pinning me to the kitchen counter and screaming in my ear. It was my birthday.
I have spoken about myself at my counselling sessions and worked really hard on things I consider to be my issues however I seem to be coming to the conclusion I have stayed with him to make sure he is ok (people pleasing). I don’t know if I can get past what he did at the weekend to me. I feel I deserve better. My old school friends kept asking me what I was thinking when we first got together and I can finally see what they were saying. We don’t get invited to things because of him and no one likes him. I am always having to make sure he is ok when we are out. I have grown stronger since I started my counselling but I am so scared of the consequences of this.
Please help, I can’t speak these words out loud to anyone.