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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hopelessly in love

17 replies

Diffident · 29/09/2018 18:18

Hopeless in every sense of the word as she doesn't love me back. I should have said I'm a man I'm early 40s and the woman in question is a friend who now lives in a different country. I've told her how I feel and she doesn't feel the same. Of course I 100% respect this and she very much wants to be friends and visit me and keep in touch and so on. Sometimes I think maybe she thinks my feelings have gone away. They haven't. In fact I love her more than ever We are both single but I don't think she will be for much longer.
I'm so sad and upset about this and please know I'd never want anything that she didn't want. In fact I told her to consider opening her heart to someone she can love back. I don't want to lose her as a friend but there it just causes me so much pain and sadness thinking these feelings might be with me forever. She is the most wonderful and loving person I have ever met and I don't think I can ever love anyone else because no-one can compare to her. I'm honestly trying to get on with life but I just need to express this. I just need to say how very much I love her and the fact she will never return my feelings does not in my eyes at least diminish this.

OP posts:

ScattyPenny · 29/09/2018 18:29

I think you should probably avoid seeing her. It will only prolong the pain for you. Cut ties.

In time you will forget about her and move on.

If she was perfect for you, she would love you back, but she doesn't so she's not the one for you.

It just sounds like a crush/infatuation. We've all been there and you will get over it.

princesstiasmum · 29/09/2018 18:41

Diffident i feel for you,i have recently been in the same situation, still am i suppose, but i really think it would be better making a clean break,
I just cant be friends after a love affair,when t one sided, and find it easier not to see this man at all if possible, but because he lives in the same town and even the same area its difficultbut i try to avoid,
If i were you i would try to go out and meet new friends and not dwell on this lady, it will be hard to do, but hopefully you will meet someone who loves you back, but you need to break the ties
Sorry,i know its not what you want to do,but you are only making yourself suffer

BackInTheRoom · 29/09/2018 18:45

Hi OP. I'm sorry you feel so sad but have you heard of 'Limerence'?

Original poster

Diffident · 29/09/2018 19:06

I've heard of limerence. To be honest words like that are meaningless to me. I can't cut ties with her. She needs me as a friend and I'm prepared to sit through the pain until she doesn't any more. I wish I didn't love her, but I do.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 29/09/2018 19:22

You need to first love yourself. Proper self care here says don't contact her. Don't be a martyr. She will be fine.

ScattyPenny · 29/09/2018 19:34

You need to put yourself first, As June said, don't be a martyr. She will not respect you for it and it will not make her want you.

She can find other friends, she does not need you specifically. If she cared about this she would let you go.

I don't mean to sound horrible, maybe she's a lovely girl, but...some girls thrive on the attention. They enjoy having male friends who they know pine after them. It makes them feel good and so they toy with them like a cat playing with a bird.

Obviously I don't know either of you, but, for your own sanity, get out of this friendship because it is a toxic situation.

Original poster

Diffident · 29/09/2018 19:45

I'm not being a martyr and I certainly don't think this will win her over. All I wanted to know was whether happiness can ever be found when you love someone who never loves you back. Maybe the answer is no, well so be it. I don't court sadness but I've had enough practise at it to know I can Li be through it.

OP posts:

ScattyPenny · 29/09/2018 19:50

The harsh truth is she'll probably drop you as soon as she gets a boyfriend and then pick up where she left off when she's single again.

I understand how you feel, it's hard but, in answer to your question...no I don't think you will find happiness this way and I think you're trapping yourself in a no-win situation. While you're pining after her, you aren't allowing yourself to meet someone who is as in to you as you are in them.

I hope it works out for you x

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 29/09/2018 20:00

Put your needs before her's. If your love is unrequited then you need to distance yourself at least if you're not able to cut contact. This is the only way you will be able to heal and give yourself a chance to get over her. The chances are if she gets a partner, she may drop you.
So do yourself a favour and move on. Meet new people and find a new focus.

TooOldForThis67 · 29/09/2018 20:29

Sorry but I don't think you really love her. You love the idea of loving her. I assume you haven't kissed her, slept with her, lived with her, looked after her when she is sick etc. You can not really love someone until you have the full experience. It's Limerance like pp have mentioned. The only way you will get over her is by finding someone else. Keep an open mind. Don't compare. This woman will eventually fade into a fond memory. I had an affair with a MM and absolutely thought I loved him. Turns out it was Limerance. I finished with him and dated like crazy. I thought I'd never get over him or find anyone else to compare, but I did! I'm still friends with MM and we chat on messenger etc but it really is just as friends. He was an important part of my life and I'll never forget my feelings for him but it wasn't real. I don't mean to be harsh but you need to move on. x

SandyY2K · 29/09/2018 20:40

So you'll live a single life rather than open yourself up to other women?

You think this is the one woman on earth for you?

Original poster

Diffident · 29/09/2018 20:49

I'm sorry I know you are well intentioned and I know you may well be right but this limerence stuff doesn't sound real to me. We have have never kissed never slept together etc etc and we probably never will. I know I don't get to choose who loves me and some people are never loved by anyone but I really don't think I can love anyone else. I don't think I want to. I've spent large periods of my adult life single and not in a relationship so I know how to deal with it. As for living a single life, aren't there many people out there, increasing numbers from what I hear who do just that. Who is to say their life choices are less valid than others?

OP posts:

ScattyPenny · 29/09/2018 20:55

Nobody is saying that OP.

You seem to want to stay in this situation so there is nothing anyone else can say to you that will change your mindset.

If you're happy to live like that then keep doing it. Everyone here is saying the same thing...if you aren't happy, cut ties and move on. If you don't want to do that then it's up to you.

Only you can decide what's best. If you want to keep giving yourself to her emotionally then fill your boots. But, when she meets someone else, they might not be happy for you to be hanging around and you will be left with nothing.

It's your call.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 29/09/2018 21:04

OP it is horrible when somebody you want doesn't feel the same way, almost everyone has been there. Your feelings will fade, but only if you let them. You are choosing to carry this on. Feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to change things.

SomeUsername · 29/09/2018 21:09

It sounds like limerence to me too. I posted a thread here over a year ago about someone I'd become absolutely besotted with. I'd never done anything with them outside the bounds of friendship, yet, they occupied my every waking thought. I literally obsessed over them. It wasn't healthy.

I'm a rational person, but I couldn't control it even though intellectually, I could see it was irrational. Friendship at the time would not have been possible, because regardless of my intentions, I'd always want more.

I cut contact and occupied myself with other things. Nearly 18 months on, I now have occasional contact with them, but the feelings are barely there and I actually question why I had such obsessive feelings about them.

Holdingonbarely · 29/09/2018 21:16

You have to make a brutal choice in life about who you want to put first.
Yourself or her.
Do you really want someone who doesn’t want you? That’s not real love.
The point of love is it’s mutual. If it isn’t then it’s limerance. I know you don’t want to think this, because essentially if you do, it means you HAVE to let go.

But you’ll let go when you’re ready, and I think posting on here will potentially help you, maybe not right now. But I hope it seeds in your mind

AtlasQueen · 30/09/2018 00:26

I've been there too OP. It's horrible. I wish I had the answers but I don't.

For me what made it go away was us getting really close and a couple of things happening that I didn't like regarding his behavior and realizing that if we were ever to be in a relationship it would be that I'd be getting, not that fantasy.

I know it's just words but limerance is very real.

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