Please don't judge!

[User020312]

Ok so it's taken me a lot to come here for advice so please be nice.
I have issues. My head is completely messed up and I'm now acting like a complete control freak.

I've been with my partner for 8.5yrs, and we have been through some awful times. We have both made mistakes. Him more than me. (It's too long of a story to write it all out).
Anyway, now I've given him one final chance and we have both decided we want to try make things work. But my head won't let me let him prove whether I can or cannot trust him. I constantly over think things. I tell him I don't want him on porn. I don't want him near any other women. I accuse him of staring on other women even when he hasn't looked in their direction. I even feel myself getting mad when a girl comes on the tv if we are watching a film (which is so bad he checked the parents guide for sex and nudity before watching a film). He works for the council and I tell him I don't want him going to certain areas (which he cant actually control he has to go where hes told), but if these things dont happen, I can feel myself getting so upset. I will shake, start burning up, sweating, my heart starts beating so fast and I will start to cry. The most weird thing is that if im occupied with doing things, I dont even think about it. So I do try and give myself things to do each day when hes at work. My head is a complete mess. I'm a total headcase. But I don't want to be like that. I know it's not ok and I know it's my own fault for allowing him to get away with the things he's done to me. But I want to try just as much as he is. Because he is really trying this time to make it work. I need help.
Makes me feel even worse that I've gone up 4 dress sizes and finding it hard to shift and I just aren't happy about the way I look so I constantly compare myself to other girls.
Please if anyone can give me any advice, I would be so greatful.

Oh love. It's really not meant to be this difficult.

Are you under the care of a mental health team? Have you talked to your GP?

You are definitely abusing your OH. You can't go on like this. It's not only unfair on you - you're making yourself miserable - it's also absolutely unfair on him. You both deserve to be with people with whom you are happy. You're making each other unhappy. It's not meant to be like this.

Why are you in this relationship?
What's keeping you from ending it?
What do you get from the relationship?

Split up and get yourself straight. You're not in the right headspace to be in a relationship. X

I have been, and just recently, I am happy again, but, of course, I know I'm not making him happy, and the over thinking doesn't make me happy. If that even makes sense.
I do love him and do want to work at it. But I know before that can happen I need to work on myself.
I did go see my GP a while ago, but he said because I told him my 2 kids make me happy he said I'm ok. I just wouldn't know what to say to them if I went again.

Have either of you cheated in the past?

This is going to sound harsh.....But you are basically abusing him and blaming him for it.

If you can't stop yourself trying to control him, then you need to split. Get help and see what's happening.

I am not saying he hasn't done anything wrong. But, honestly, every person who tries to control and abuse someone has a long list of reasons that justifies it. Don't be that person. It sounds like you don't want to be. So don't be.

Not as such. But I did sleep with someone else out of revenge in 2010 (long story), which I was honest with him about and he chose to put it behind us, and I have found him on dating sites a few times.

Giving it one final chance includes seeing whether you can forgive the many past infidelities. It looks like you can't. And that's OK.

I'll say it again - it's really NOT meant to be this difficult. You need to split up.

Can you work out if

You are naturally like this and would be to any partner

Or

If he makes you feel so insecure you are reacting to him?

If you are busy and don't over think - do you work? Do you have a social life or hobbies?

Get a job. Split up. Move on.

Harder said than done getting a job. I have been looking and applying but been out of work since I had my first child in 2012.

We Can get on. We do sometimes. But then I mess my head up again over thinking things. I don't work, as its very difficult to get a job to work around school hours. I dont go anywhere really unless it's a special occasion. And even then it's with family. I rarely go out due to how much I hate the way I look. I don't like meeting new people, and that also starts the shaking, sweating etc. Even the school run is difficult for me. I wait in the car until it's time for the children to go in and quickly send my kids into school/nursery and then leave as quick as I can to make sure no one speaks to me. I'm so bad I hate it.

You're describing significant mental health issues. You're isolated and anxious and feel a mess. You need help and to get a support system around you.

Don't look to your partner to make you feel better. He's not able to do that for you. You need to talk to your GP about how you can't go out, get the shakes when in public etc. Your focus on your partners past actions may be a symptom of mental illness. And a way to distract you from getting help. If you're focused on him, you can just get sicker, more isolated, and less able to have a life.

You need to sort yourself. Your kids are watching and learning from you.

Or, don't sort yourself, stay focused on your partner and watch yourself crash and burn tbh.