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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this abuse? Feel so low

11 replies

EmotionalPunchbag · 29/09/2018 12:35

I think I’ve just ended an abusive relationship and I can’t see the wood for the trees, I really need some help. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months.

Quite early on I found out (randomly by chance through an acquaintance) that he had been messaging another girl behind my back. Nothing more happened apparently apart from messaging but i confronted my boyfriend about it and he swore blind it wasn’t true. He cried, begged and pleaded for me to stay with him so I did.

Since then I saw a message that flashed up on his phone from a girl saying: “I can’t believe you’ve just blocked me. What’s going on?” He’s also been adding local girls on Instagram and ‘liking’ photos of them in bikinis and whatnot. I know he cheated on his long term ex too.

Through all of this I have become increasingly paranoid. He just turns it all around on me and says I’m hard work, nasty, high maintenance and that he feels like I bully him. He says I’m delusional and everything I accuse him of is made up and lies. Meanwhile my gut has been telling me I need to get out. I feel so anxious all the time.

Today I said to him I don’t think this is working anymore and he said fine, don’t expect me to sit around pining for you. I’ve tried so hard to keep you but you’re just paranoid and crazy. He said he loves me but he won’t beg for me to stay with him anymore. I’ve done the right thing by letting him go haven’t I? I just feel as though he’s turned all this round on me and he’s done a bit of a number on me as I feel as though everything is my fault. We are both 31 for context.

OP posts:
Petersfield · 29/09/2018 12:36

Op he was gaslighting you! Applaud you for recognising this so early on and getting out. You did exactly the right thing.

starpatch · 29/09/2018 13:01

You've done the right thing OP he was messing with your head.

Ratarse · 29/09/2018 13:05

6 months! You have definitely done the right thing, what a nob.

Livedandlearned2 · 29/09/2018 13:07

Classic narcissism, you're so much better off without him.

KlutzyDraconequus · 29/09/2018 13:14

a man that loves you would prove hes trust worthy and you woukdnt havd this angst.
hes the opposite of what a partner should be.

Nooshoos123 · 29/09/2018 13:24

Well done you! You listened to your gut feeling on this. Try not to doubt yourself now - time to stay strong. You’ve saved yourself more anguish and hurt in the long run, so just get yourself through this post-breakup pain and be glad you stopped it now. Don’t allow him to persuade you. You should be proud of yourself Flowers

Nicelunch25 · 29/09/2018 15:55

Well done. Someone you care about you want to make happy and you wouldn't hurt and upset. It should be fun. Be glad you didn't get entangled with houses and kids as being gaslighted and abused in that situation is harder to get away from.

DonkeyPlease · 29/09/2018 16:36

You did exactly what you should have done. Excellently handled.

Healthy love is never, EVER meant to feel like this. No matter what he said, the things he did spoke the real truth. Xx

PaleRider1 · 29/09/2018 16:44

Yes you have done the right thing.

Huge, massive bullet dodged there.

Well done

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/09/2018 16:55

Well done for getting out of this abusive relationship in which he was gaslighting you constantly. What he showed you was not love but power and control rooted in abuse. You were absolutely correct in cutting this person loose and that shows you have good boundaries.

I would suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as such men can and do cause great emotional harm and mess with boundaries.

JuliaJaynes9 · 29/09/2018 17:04

I just feel as though he’s turned all this round on me and he’s done a bit of a number on me as I feel as though everything is my fault
his tactic here imo is to downgrade you and make you feel as if you have no value as a person/partner and therefore should be grateful for his company/attention etc.

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