DH says he is an alcoholic

[Peterbury]

NC for this. Sorry it's a bit of a saga.

We have been married 4 years. Have DC. DH's drinking has been a problem before although not (I thought, maybe stupidly) a major one. He always seemed to drink a bit too much when we were out with friends pre-DC, could never leave a glass unfinished, had to have a glass of white wine or three with dinner, we always seemed to have alcohol in the house when I hadn't bought it. We have argued about this before, he said he'd cut down and did. I thought even then that his drinking was less under control than he said/felt. But he did at least seem able to cut down, and I didn't feel right to be the one insisting "I think you have a problem". And maybe I was kidding myself because it was easier to believe he didn't.

Anyway recently we have gone through some stressful stuff re: house sale and DC health. I began to suspect DH was drinking more again. Yesterday I got back from a work trip, DC in bed, DH had alcohol on his breath and was slurring his words slightly, I found empty bottles tucked away hidden by the recycling. I confronted him about this and (long story short) he burst into tears and said he thinks he's an alcoholic and he can't stop drinking by himself and he's terrified.

We spoke again this morning. He has been drinking more than I realised and has been actively hiding it from me. He is horrified and ashamed and scared of our DC growing up like he did. He says he will be calling the GP on Monday, he has found details for some support group (I think AA, I don't know and didn't ask) even in our little rural town and plans to go to that.

I am glad I suppose that he admits he has a problem. But I am just FURIOUS with him for drinking so much and lying to me, and drinking while in sole care of our DC, and for not tackling this before. And I am I suppose also furious with myself for not realising, or not admitting to myself, that his relationship with alcohol was this dysfunctional.

I don't know what to do. I would rather not leave if he is able to properly face this problem. What if he isn't though? He is very sincere now as far as I can tell but next week, next month?

I also feel like I should be supportive if I'm staying, but I don't know what 'supportive' looks like. I have absolutely no inclination whatsoever to be finding resources for him or anything like that. I don't even really want to talk to him about his feelings around this or anything. I want to tell him to sort it out himself and I'll discuss everything including the future of our marriage with him IF he proves he can do that and stick to it.

But if alcoholism is an illness and he has admitted he has a problem, am I a total cow for not doing more? Or wanting to do more? Argh. I don't know.

I think he's doing his best. He's admitted there is a problem and he's looking for solutions.

Part of the problem with alcoholism is that it relies on secrecy and deceit. He will have been ashamed of his behaviour and felt like he couldn't come clean. He had also probably convinced himself for a long time that it wasn't an issue. This is part of the battle.

I think he sounds like he really wants to make it work and I think he needs your support (although he has to fix it himself).

If you love him and want to stay with him then I think he needs you on side, not to enable him or to sort it out for him but just to let him know you will be there. You need boundaries to protect yourself though. Let him know that you will not stick around if he's going to keep drinking but that you will support him to give up.

I'm no expert but I had an alcoholic Father and I have been guilty of using alcohol to cope with my anxiety issues over the years which I now realise was a mistake. I know I have a tendency towards problematic drinking when I'm stressed and so try to avoid it altogether.

You're not a cow. You have to look after yourself as well, but, from what you've said I think he deserves a bit of support. Unless he's being neglectful or abusive, or putting the kids in danger, I think he deserves the chance to prove himself.

Alcohol is often a coping strategy and it can be replaced with healthier ways of dealing with life.

I really hope it works out well x

He's admitted that he has a problem. That's the first, biggest and most important step. I'd support him.

It’s OK for you to feel angry. And not very ‘supportive’ right now. Long term he will need your support, though.

Can you see if there’s an Al Anon group near you, for your own support? You will need to be able to offload your feelings and frustrations somewhere.

for you. It sucks and I’m sorry.

I'd support him. Addiction isn't a choice. He didn't choose to be like this. But he's admitted it. And he's seeking change. That's something you need to support, but frankly if you don't even want to listen to him talk about it or be involved at all then he's got little chance of recovery. He needs to be able to talk about his feelings on this. He needs to be able to say "I'm struggling today" without you huffing and sighing and saying "sort it out yourself".

If you love him, then you're in it together. If you don't then at least tell him so he can prepare himself to do it alone. But don't be a bitch about it.

I would not seek to minimize your feelings or the challenges ahead, but being able to admit to a problem like that( he may be quite relieved that it's out in the open) is a massive step in the right direction.Really hope you can work through this together and come out stronger.

Don’t beat yourself up about not realising the extent of the problem. Our drinking culture often makes it difficult to see alcohol problems and lots of people have a vested interest in minimising behaviour. I guarantee that if you had posted a question asking if his drinking behaviour was adnormal, a good proportion of people would have told you it was perfectly normal. Sure they get through a good bottle of red most evenings.
Unfortunately his alcoholism is a real problem for you and your children. As others have posted it is good that he has admitted he has a problem. That is the start of the journey. But even if he stops today he will still be in the grip of the addiction for many months and he will never be able to drink again. That is unequivocal

The reality of the addiction means it will be his priority even if he has stopped for many months. Get some support and be prepared to set some boundaries and red lines. Your priority is the children and they should not grow up around a drinker. If you give him his second chance he must be dry and he must stay that way.

I'm a very long term sober alcoholic and my DH stuck by me while I first went to rehab and then to AA meetings several times a week for years. I never drank again. We went on to have a very happy marriage and two DC.

If your DH has openly admitted his alcoholism and is seeking help he is doing absolutely the right thing. He deserves your support. By putting it out in the open he is ensuring that he can't tell you you're exaggerating his drinking. It's a brave, sensible thing he's done.

Alcoholics don't drink because they enjoy it. By the time you're an alcoholic it's a physical need. Your DH probably longs to not need booze.

He may need medical help to stop drinking. Unsupervised withdrawal from alcohol can be fatal, so a visit to the GP is essential.

If he gets sober you will see the change in him within months. Some AA members relapse, it's true, but as long as he picks himself up and starts again that's OK. It's whether he's on an upward trend that you're looking for.

AA provides not only tools and a community that aims for sobriety. There's more. The lessons AA taught me have helped me in every sphere of my life. And it's made me a better person. If your DH follows this path he'll be a better husband and father.

You're entitled to feel the way you do. And to share that with him - he will have to come to terms with the consequences of his addiction. If he doesn't face them, he will gradually start to believe it 'wasn't that bad' and perhaps with better management he can drink every now and then ... it's very likely he can't.

Be clear with him that he has to follow through. GP on Monday, support group as soon as they are next meeting.

And you are right - it is on him to sort himself out. You can't do it for him. The impulse has to come from him, otherwise it won't work. It seems fair to say you will consider the future of the marriage if and when he has demonstrated that he is serious about his sobriety.

That all said, I also agree with Scatty that it sounds as if he's doing his best. He seems to have fessed up quite quickly to the problem and seems to be wanting to do the right things.

I'd suggest in the meantime that he reads this book, which really helped me when I came to terms with the severity of my drinking problem. There is a companion book for family. Although I haven't read that, I would imagine it is full of the same kind of sensible, non-judgemental advice as the one for the drinker, and would clearly spell out that it is for the drinker alone to confront the problem.

Give it time. Hopefully this has been the wake-up call he needs. I would judge his sincerity based on his actions, particularly on his willingness to admit the problem to others (e.g. to friends and family, to explain why he isn't drinking at social occasions) and to take steps to manage situations where alcohol will be present. It's all very new to him so I wouldn't expect him to be doing all this today, but he needs to be taking stock very seriously.

But even if he stops today he will still be in the grip of the addiction for many months and he will never be able to drink again.

You're right about never drinking again. It's a given.

But you're overly negative about how soon OP can expect things to get better. Everyone's different but if her DH is going to lots of meetings he'll show good effects quite soon.

I stopped drinking after six weeks and I've never drunk again. I'd rather die. The joy and gratitude I felt about being free from the compulsion to drink lasted for years. I'm still grateful.

But the OP needs to know that her DH will need to go to a lot of meetings. I went to five a week for the first couple of years. Because I was living in London there were a lot of lunchtime meetings so I could spend more evenings with my DH.

But it's a pain for the sober partner to put up with the constant meetings. OP may think it's intolerable. But I would argue that once he's sober her DH will be even better than the man she married. We marry for better and worse, sickness and health. If OP and her DH live up to those vows their relationship will flower. The respect and trust are invaluable.

I was married to a high-functioning alcoholic who would rather have died than admit he had a problem. Your DH is trying to get to grips with it, but it's a long road for both of you. I hope you can get there.

Thank you for the advice and the suggestions. There aren't any Al-Anon meetings where we live but there are some in the city I work in several days a week.

I do think he is genuine about admitting the problem now but I'm worried that the realisation is not going to stick. He has previously several times said things like "you're right, I am drinking too much, I don't like this and I will cut down" and entirely meant it at the time I think... and then a few months later, right back to where he was.

The difference this time is that he's said he thinks he's an alcoholic and he doesn't think he can deal with this just by himself. That does feel like a really big step but at the same time, it'll only make a difference if he doesn't drift back to the booze again in a few months while concealing it better from me, like he has before. I just don't know. And I really really don't want to be in the position of checking up on him, searching through cupboards for hidden bottles and so on.

He grew up with an alcoholic parent himself and doesn't want that for his own DC.

If it's any help my DH told me that once I was sober he could see a massive difference in me. He never felt the need to look for hidden bottles after that because he could see and feel I was sober.

Alcoholic drinking affects your sleep, your eating, nearly everything - until it stops. People who live with an alcoholic can see lots of small but consistent improvements.

I was much happier too. My DH said it just came off me in waves. My DPs and DBs said the same. It came as such a relief to my whole family. Sobriety is more than just cutting out alcohol.

Alcoholism is a family illness. Part is learned behaviour but there is a proven genetic component to alcoholism. My DF was an alcoholic too, though he too is long term sober through AA. I have warned both my DS that they have alcoholism in their genes.

Your DC will have this gene too. But forewarned is forearmed.

If I were you I'd give your DH a chance and lots of endorsement. If he takes that chance and means what he says you will have a marriage that's immensely strong. If he isn't sincere you will know you gave it your best shot, and you did it for everyone, especially your DC.

It's really great that he was able to recognise this and is looking for help on his own. That's a big step! Completely normal that you are angry, and completely understandable. I have some experience with addiction in my family and would absolutely urge you to seek out support yourself. It's not an easy thing to cope with on your own. You shouldn't have to be alone on this. Wishing you and your husband all the best!

I agree about the genetic component. Ex-FIL had treatment for alcoholism in his early 70s and (AFAIK) is still sober. This did frighten exh at the time and he cut down, but only for a little while. He has two other siblings; one is very sensible and only has a drink at weekends, but the youngest will probably go the same way as he regularly drinks a lot. I have no idea whether exh's kids have worked out that there is a hereditary component, but I hope their mother has warned them as exh won't (as he thinks there is nothing wrong with him).

Whilst this is a horrible situation for all of you, you are in a better position today than yesterday because now he has faced up to his problems and can access help.

I do think that you need to support and stand by him for now...just imagine if roles were reversed and you were at rock bottom and the person you were meant to be able to count on the most turned their back on you?

Good luck to you all.

Admitting there is a problem is the biggest step. My H could never do it.
I agree with prawn that you instantly know when someone has stopped drinking. When my H was in rehab, he was brighter, his skin was better, his appetite returned. He was fun to be with again, he was affectionate and a part of family life. When he started drinking again, all that stopped.

I would now support him and also seek help for yourself. Do attend Al-Anon if you possibly can. Support for family members is priceless. I still go to a support group even though my H is no longer alive and we were separated before then. The group will help you set boundaries and help you plan for when/if he relapses. Encourage him to go to the GP and encourage him to go to meetings, however much of an impact it has on your life - he needs this help now to get and stay sober.

He has done a brave thing. I wish my H had managed it. Good luck to you both.

My stbxh had a problem. Like you I didn't really recognise it at the beginning - my family were never ones to drink at home and I didn't either so it was hard to judge whether it was too much or not.

It has been about 8 years since I
He started the cycle of aa and I did get completely fed up with the cycle of meetings. It dominated our lives. I sometimes felt like going to one was an opt out if family life as he would disappear for 3 hours on a Sunday afternoon to go to a meeting because he 'had' to get there an hour before it started to talk. It disrupted days out family meals etc. What made it worse I could never really go out because he would not go on the days he was meant to or would suddenly go other evenings.

It probably won't be dry first time and the question is what is your line in the sand. Stbxh had many lapses - also tablets which resulted in an ambulance to hospital. However the shocks never lasted and he slipped back. And you need to see how he reacts after a lapse. Does he throw himself back into trying hard lots of meetings etc to get back in track or not.

I finally had enough and walked away and I feel like a weight has been lifted of me. Like a pp said they just don't engage in family life when they are drinking. Similar to you secret drinking in solo charge of the children was my line in the sand.

With the secret drinking he had also moved on from beer or wine to neat vodka.

I think the saddest thing is it's actually not that different at home as he had not really been part of the family unit for some time.

Well done to your DH for admitting he has a problem - it took my DF years and years to admit it - I won't even tell you what he did when in charge of me aged 3!!!

Your husband will need lots of help - but not from you - I mean you can stop drinking in front of him but you cannot support him mentally through this, he needs professional help. My DF was a really committed member of AA for 35 years until his death but even he always said the first step is to admit to yourself, the second is to get professional help, the third is AA. - or whatever support organisation you decide on.

This cannot be done "at home".

Also, you will need support for you. My DM never went for support and she ended up hating my DF as he conquered the illness but she never could forgive - so for 35 years she gave out about it to all and sundry. As an adult child of an alcoholic, I really, really wish she had gone for counselling / therapy / support for herself so she could learn to live with the alcoholic on his recovery.

Your anger is understandable, I'm so messed up that I actually said well done to him, but I know you are sensibly angry that he has lied - you will find out lots of lies over the coming months - that is why you need a professional to vent to.

Mind your own health and wellbeing throughout all this and I wish you all well. He can recover - honestly, if my DF did it, anyone can.

Addiction is an illness BUT recovery is a choice.
Also it's an illness that has horrendous impacts on partners and children so choosing to protect yourself and your children isn't a selfish decision.

I think he is brave for confronting it.
But you are going to have your own issues and thoughts. There are groups for relations of alcoholics. You need to do that on your own and have your own separate support.

I’m happily married today because my husband’s
late wife could not stop drinking...poor woman

I really hope your husband can turn this around.

When I was a counsellor what I learned about addictions is that removing the alcohol creates a vacuum
He needs to put something in its place

I hope he gets the help he needs. Unfortunately my husband’s first wife did not

Maybe EMotional Freedom Technique might help

EFT

if you can go to the doctors with him or speak to a professional yourself. there are lots of support lines on the nhs website. be prepared for him to relapse. it's not often people quit the first time. I used to run a pub and it's maddening how quickly people become addicted. it's also very sad to see their downfall. alcoholics become manipulative and lie so him coming clean is a good sign. whether you stick with him through the recovery or separate get as much information as you can so you know the warning signs to best protect your children

My DH has been sober for 2+ years with no relapses. He went to AA and it helped him immensely.

I think that it is too soon for you to make any decisions about the future right now. I think it is wonderful that your DH has decided to seek help on his own rather than being pushed towards it because it shows he is motivated to help himself. It is a good sign that he can recover.

Please go to an AlAnon meeting because I think you will meet people there who will not judge you and can share their experiences. That will give you a better idea of your options in the future. Don’t make any hasty decisions. Your husband will benefit from your support but you also need to keep yourself and your children in mind when you decide if you can help him through this.

Also, if you would like to PM me, I am happy to share my experiences.

It’s a big deal and I understand the anger you feel. I was in a similar situation, our DCs were young, my ex often looked after them while under the (severe) influence. I was furious about what might have happened and fortunately didn’t.

I agree that you should support him, it is massive that he admits there is a problem. However, I would also say to you: Look after yourself; get support, see if you can find any alternative childcare if you need it. Don’t trust him until he has been sober for a while; my ex often would go sober but then fall off the wagon and he never wanted to tell me. Don’t keep this quiet, share with family and friends, your DH will need them to help him. It is not a shameful secret. The secrecy is the most dangerous thing. Have boundaries that you expect him to respect: ie never ever drink when looking after DCs. And uphold the boundaries- ie leave if he doesn’t stick to them. They won’t work if you’re not dead serious. In the end (ironically) the only thing that worked to get my ex sober was when we split up after I said I couldn’t live like that, it wasn’t right for the DCs. I wish I had been stronger earlier. It took me years to work out that I really couldn’t trust him. Not because he is an inveterate liar, but because addiction makes liars out of everyone it touches. Good luck