Can slow burners be love stories? Any slow burners here?

[lionshed]

We always hear about those love stories of romance, excitement, that moment when your eyes met etc etc. They seem to be the classic romances that everyone loves to discuss and tell their friends. "We just KNEW" and all that jazz...

But what about when you don't "just know." I never have and don't think i ever will. this worries me, i've even wondered what i would tell people if i married someone as im pretty sure it wouldnt be "we fell in love from across the room" but more...i wasnt sure then eventually dated him!! (im more wary these days and like to give things time!).

Have you had a slow burner that was wonderful in all its own ways?

anyone? :)

Friends 15 years ago. Fwb for a few years. Back to just friends. Fwb again about 6 years ago. Then dating. Now married a year. Slow process, but the love of my life.

My husband and I were slow burners. I can't even tell you when the love started.

My relationship with my first husband (10 years) was based on my limerence, which I didn't know existed, and I though that was what normal love was supposed to feel like.

So when I met DH 2.0 and didn't have that level of crazily intense feelings, I thought it must mean we had no real spark. But I liked him a lot as a person, he was outgoing, kind, funny, gentle, intelligent, philosophical, listened as much as he talked and the sex was good. So I kept chugging along getting needs met and not worrying about the future. Until one day I was chatting to a mate and she said "do you love him?" and I said, "yes", then nearly fell off my chair in shock . Because it was true and I had no idea when it had snuck up on me.

We've been together for over 20 years, we have an 18yo son, we still begin and end each day with "love you".

I didn't know love was supposed to be like this. That it was something that started with non electrified like. A like that was nourished into the development of love with consistent positive interactions, and no shadows of lurking conflict. Mind you I didn't even know that over time love is something you could rely on to sustain, to wrap itself around you with a comfortable warmth and consistent caring. Rather than throw you up and down like a crazy, sometimes anguished, sometimes ecstatic, roller coaster.

Which might be why I didn't recognise the seeds, or notice the spouting until it was well into being in bloom. Which must have taken at least six months, perhaps nine. I don't remember when I had the conversation with my friend, but DH and I had been together for a decent chunk of time by then.

I didn't just "not know", I was pretty firmly in the "this is for now, not forever, he's not the one" camp. But to be fair I was a terrible picker. If I had instant, giddy attraction it was invariably for somebody who had a track record for being Very Bad News for the women in his life.

I sometimes get the cold sweats because I'd love to say that I had learned to chose better for myself when I met DH. But it was pretty touch and go because I was semi-consciously still open to "has sparks" better offers should they have wandered under my nose. I didn't have an iron willed "I will stick with this and compromise because it is safe and healthy" thing going on. I just managed not to come across somebody bad for me who made me feel sparks in the timeframe. I could have so easily let this enduring, happy, funny, warm love slip through my fingers (and take the family I have with it) cos ... "electricity".

There but for the grace of god and all that jazz.

I met my current b/f on POF. He laughs about how I didn't even look at his profile, just replied to a msg about having worked together years ago. Tbh the sex was so good we carried on seeing each other and taking each day/week/month as it comes. I too also worry about not having the giddy, 'we are in love' feelings. My previous b/f was defo limerance as I would cry over him and get upset so easily. I can see now I'd built up a false belief of 'love'. I think myself and current b/f are on a slow burn and that's ok. I'm not even 'looking over my shoulder'.

Wow Cesira your story made me have a little cry, you tell it so beautifully!
I was a "just knew" when I met DP, but sexually we were a slow burn, I just knew he was kind and very attractive and we had plenty of time to get it right. Much more passionate now 27 years on than at the start.

I’m not massively attracted physically but he’s a great kisser and day by day I fall a little more.

It’s not huge sparks and fireworks though...and I certainly couldn’t say I know he’s the one yet

Following

The ‘I just knew’ line is generally with hindsight. There are some genuine cases of love at first sight, but they’re relatively rare.

Does it mean the slow burners aren’t The Real Deal though?

CesiraAndEnrico - I think that is the most wonderful description of healthy love (vs. not so healthy) that I have ever read on MN.

We didn't "know" at all. We are both commitment phones with a lot of baggage, we circled each other warily for a really long time - well over a year before it felt like a proper romance. I almost didn't turn up for our third date.

DP is friendly with a set of women at work who are a bit starry eyed about their respective upcoming weddings - they asked him about meeting me, "did you know right away?" And he horrified them by answering "NO absolutely not" haha.

Similarly, I dated around for ages after meeting dp, couldn't decide how I felt, gave it time, called it off a few times.

He's always been a cracking shag though (first shag only happened because I felt curious, rather than hugely attracted), and enormously kind, honest and trustworthy, which I'm sure helped. I had issues and needed a lot of time. No apologies.

I'm mad about him now. It physically hurts to be separated from him. He feels the same way.

Many folk like to themselves or use rose coloured hindsight glasses when it comes to how "the beginning" felt.

But conversely - you don't have to stay in something that doesn't feel right. You can end it at any time. Don't pressure yourself to be perfect either way x

Does it mean the slow burners aren’t The Real Deal though?

Love, you aren't going to know that for sure until one of you is holding the other in (hopefully very elderly) arms. With the story ending as one is left bereft as their love slips away to the Great Unknown.

Take Real Enough Deal for a relaxed road test. Real Enough Deal being The Red Flag Free one. The one you like spending time with. The one with no strange movement in the shadows. The one whose words and actions match.

Mills and Boon is fab for a wet weekend, but a shit Self Help Guide For Life. The multi-generational angst over The Real Deal and The One can be mostly laid at the feet of pages in romances, but they only ever promised us fiction. Not a check list and a map.

If there are love seeds, and you are good for each other, they'll sprout and grow. If there's no sprouting and you decide this is not actually the relationship you want anymore, well you haven't lost anything. Time disappears on us either way. Better to spend it with somebody you are having a nice time with than not.

StickyProblem & cubiclejockey

😘😘

Having just come out of a relationship that started intensely (snogging everywhere, talking about how lucky we were, making plans) - give me the slow burn

A lot of people put importance on feeling a spark right away but sometimes it's just not feasible. I tend to be very shy and guarded, it's once or twice that I've fancied someone immediately

Although he's annoyed me today my DH were slow burners.

We meet fairly young at 19 I thought he was cute and was attractive but I didn't have that zing you get with some people.

We dated and gradually feel in love and still are now, I still find him attractive and he does me. He's one of the only people I trust who also loves and knows the real me. 3 kids later I'm glad I didn't think we needed a zing for it to be real love.

I often think that is the better way as you don't rush into anything but then maybe not as my grandparents say it was love at 1st sight for them and they have such a loving relationship.

Me and Dp were a bit up and down. We have been both.

We met, got together and were planning our lives straight away. Then we both got shit scared, I felt him pulling away and because I was terrified, I ended it. We remained friends, because of the circumstances. I met him through his family, who I am very close to. I hadn't met him for ages because he lived far away. I am closer to his family than he is.

We stayed friends, saw eachother in groups. The odd text but mainly not in contact for a bit, then i heard his washer broke and I offered to let him do some washing at mine. He did, we chatted and it felt like the air had been cleared.

He came over a few times, I saw him at parties etc for a few more months but just kept becoming better friends. Then we slept together again. But I didn't want anything more so we were FWB. We broke all the FWB rules though.

I don't know when it's changed. Just all of a sudden i wasn't happy with the status quo. I actually posted here because I was going to call it off, through fear he didn't want the same. It wasn't until a lovely poster asked me outright what I felt for him. I burst into tears and realised I loved him. I posted some more about the things he did and said and another great poster pointed out that he kept trying to tell me he wanted more and I was shutting him down.

He came over after his night shift and he tried again. Told me that FWB didn't pop in on their way home from work to have breakfast together. Usually I would have said something like 'maybe you should go then....I don't want to cross boundries'. This time I said something like 'No they don't is that an issue?'. We sat and chatted and have been official since.

We started off as whirlwind but both recently separated from our husband/wife and I am glad we put the breaks on. We wouldnt have lasted. It's like it's a completely different relationship now. This time it was a slow burn and i didnt see it coming until i posted here. We know eachother better, we know when the other one needs us and when the other needs space. We are friends and I can only describe him as feeling like home.

I don't know what the future holds, if we will grow old together. But he is my best friend and I would take this slow burn over the intense whirlwind.