Historical abuse

[MrsHayward]

Apologies for the length of this post.

Recently I have been asking myself if I should report something. Obviously with so many stories in the news - memories and feelings about what happened to me have been triggered.
When I was 15 (I’m 38 now) my mother’s best friend’s husband ‘groomed’ me and after 6 months, I slept with him. We then had a sexual ‘relationship’ for another 6 months or so. He was 35 at the time.
My mother was an alcoholic and abusive and Mike (not his real name) knew this and was sympathetic. He was a musician and I loved singing so this was his way to spend time with me, he had a band and a studio in his garage - I would be invited to sing backing vocals. He encouraged me to write songs, told me I was talented, said he was in love with me, that we had a special connection... all the clichès... I understand that now. At the time, I wanted to believe everything he told me. I desperately wanted to be loved.
Only now as an adult, and after reading so many stories in the news, I realise how he took advantage of my vulnerability.
However, I dressed inappropriately, I drank alcohol, smoked marijuana (my mother gave it to me!) and certainly enjoyed the attention and wanted him to ‘desire’ me. In those days I would probably have been called a ‘prick tease’. Yet, with him, I know for certain that I was not comfortable with going ahead and having sex (I was a virgin) - it took him 6 months to persuade me (and alcohol) to go that far. He was not forceful in a violent way but now, I understand that his gentleness and the fact that he kept telling me it was special and that he loved me etc. was manipulation.
So, on the one hand - he did not rape me - I understand I was under the age of consent but I did ‘consent’. Again, as an adult, I can see that I was unable to say no to him - he was relentless. He pushed and cajoled until I believed he loved me and that I loved him, that we had something special and that age didn’t matter bla bla bla. Oh and of course he said I was wise for my age and so on - especially because of what I’d been through with my mother.
So my reasons to report him would be that I know what he did was wrong. It disgusts me to think about it. For many years afterwards I was promiscuous and reckless (am married now and have been for 16 years but my husband and I don’t have sex anymore - probably related???). I slept with people because I thought that’s what I needed to do to make them want me/love me. I convinced myself I was a highly sexual person - maybe I am? What I think is that this relationship with him could be part of why I was reckless with my sexual health and why I had many one-night stands as a late-teen and through university.
Reasons why I don’t want to report him:
What’s the point?
He has two children - his son has a mental illness and his daughter worships him
His ex-wife whom he is still friends with would be devastated
Did he know/believe what he was doing was wrong? Not legally - morally
Did he believe he actually loved me?
I don’t think he’s a risk to anyone now.
Would reporting him benefit anyone in any way?
Any advice would be much appreciated.

I think you should talk what happened through with a counsellor/therapist and consider reporting your abuse to the police. For this was abuse. He was a fully mature man and you were a vulnerable girl who was groomed and manipulated into having sex with him .

Thank you. I just can’t help thinking that reporting would only ruin the lives of his family and ultimately I would be the one who is hated - for ruining this man. My brothers were very young whilst this was happening and when I tried to tell one of them recently (‘Mike’ had wanted to sing at my mothers funeral and I had said I wouldn’t go if that happened - then had to explain) my brother said that he couldn’t believe it and when I saw him face to face - it wasn’t mentioned at all. I could tell he wanted to act as though I hadn’t told him.

So I don’t want to hurt people but also, selfishly, I don’t want to be hated by my family and his family and friends.

I understand that this is totally warped but I’m also being realistic - it doesn’t mattter that I was the victim then - I know that if I spoke out - he would be the victim. It makes me so angry.

That's why you need to talk through and process your own experience with a counsellor, in a safe and confidential space before you make any move to report him to the authorities. You could ask your GP to refer you for counselling. Would I be right in saying this experience has haunted and affected you over the years?

Joystir is right. See a counsellor, process all this, and then decide. And if you decide to report him, don't worry about how it will affect his life. He didn't care how his actions affected you. He bullied and manipulated you into sleeping with him. You'd be doing right to report him. He's a sexual predator.

I think writing this post is helping in itself. My mother died in July and I told my brother (because this man would be at the funeral and because I’ve been thinking about it recently) and this was the first time I’d put the whole thing in words. I can’t say whether it’s ‘haunted’ me but once I’ve started to look back and put it into perspective - I can see how what happened has affected my relationships.

Honestly, I’ve always thought of it as a dirty secret. When people talk about their ‘first time’ I’ve kind of thought of mine as something different - it wasn’t like a first fumble with a boyfriend. A much older man made me feel like I was special and that what we were doing was showing our love for each other. The irony of that is probably what offends me now more than anything. But I’m not angry with myself - I have an 11 year old daughter and I can’t inagine that at 15 she will have suddenly become someone who knows what she’s doing and what’s best for her.

For me, I felt that I was so much more worldly wise than other girls my age and ‘Mike’ encouraged me to believe that. Obviously!