How to get him to talk?

[UKB87]

Hi,

So I’ve always had very strict criteria when it comes to relationships but after the failure of a VERY long term relationship about 1.5 years ago - I’m willing to be more open.

Met a guy who seems interested enough (talks to me all days, calls me, we see each other often). I can’t fault his looks, jobs, family and everything else but his communication is lacking. It’s me who has to keep things ‘alive and interesting’. I’ll ask him a question, get a response but he never asks me anything at all... and it clearly bothers me.

What can I do?

Shall I just tell him that I’m not particularly fond of his lack of questions and dry talk now and then.

Or is there something I can do and say? Will it be rude to ask what his true intentions are.

What do you want him to ask you?

It sounds like this is who he is, you don’t mention how long you’ve known this guy but you might want to consider whether you want to sign up to a lifetime of not being asked stuff.

He sounds a bit like me actually, I’m not often one for small talk for the sake of breaking a silence. Luckily DW doesn’t seem to mind (or is good at concealing it if she does!).

Sorry, I don’t think I’ve been much help here.

Communication is number 1 on my wish list for my next partner OP. Without depth, it's difficult to maintain intimacy 'in to me you see'. Sharing thoughts and feelings and being vulnerable is key to intimacy. I don't think you can make someone more talkative.

Do you mean questions about your day/practical things or questions about religion/politics/current affairs? I tend to chat about cerebral things with my closest friend as my husband doesn't find those conversations particularly interesting - but we still talk and he definitely asks me things about me/my day and shows he cares.
Some people are self-absorbed and aren't actually bothered about others' opinions...do you feel this might be him?

If you just sat there and didn’t say/ask anything, what would happen? Would you just sit in silence all evening or would he eventually say/ask something?

Anything!!!

Conversations stem from questions mostly! And we are still at the ‘getting to know each other phase’.

Sometimes I feel like we are both doing this only because in the eyes of society we would be the ‘perfect couple’ - both have high paying jobs, we both have PhDs, come from good families bla bla. And our past relationships have mostly failed because the other person has been lacking in some part... both at the age where we should have settled and started a family of our own

The only question he does ask is - what are you up to?

I don’t even mind if he did this - if I asked a question and he responded and then said how about you? But he doesn’t even do that!!!!

And I can’t be attracted to someone who I don’t know properly. Personality is the most important thing for me. So I can’t even be physically attracted to him until I fall in love with his personality. Even though he’s been blessed with far more good genes then he deserves. My friend saw him the other day when he was waiting for me outside work and she couldn’t keep her eyes of him. But I just don’t see that yet...

Well he sounds dull. He might tick a lot of boxes, but doesn't sound like you like him much, or that he likes you much. So I'd move along.

Yeah he does tick A LOT of boxes but hmm... How do I break up when we haven’t even officially dated

That’s what ghosting was invented for 😂

Just text "it's been nice meeting you, but I'm not feeling it. Bye and all the best"

Yeah so I was going to tell him that and ‘end’ it but before I could say anything or even get started... he sent a video of him on a horse carriage with his mum (spending the weekend away at hers) and said ‘I wished you were here too...’ ... and now, I’m just a big gushy mess 😒🤨🤨🤨🤨

So... I said, you’re a lovely guy but I don’t have anymore questions for you, I’ve ran out of things to say...

And he didn’t let me finish and said... great, now it’s my turn to ask you questions to my hearts desire - agree?

LOL WHAT!!?? What on earth does this mean!!!

Bit strange.Is he playing games? I thin I would leave him alone

Oh God, I could have written this! I know exactly what you mean...got a Ryan Gosling look a like in my life who is like this. He texts, he calls, he wants to see me, he's a fellow intellectual, we share a religion, have similar values but...he never asks me anything about myself and yet seems to really like me?! How can someone who never asks you anything like you? He doesn't know you?

I feel like he's idealised me without knowing me properly and thinks I look attractive enough for him, is desperate to settle down (he's 37, I'm 34) and has decided I'll do. It's really disrespectful. I feel like he could be talking to or spending time with anyone, not just me. He just monologues at me until I'm at the point of tears. I'd made up my mind I was done but then I saw him last night and...theres something there...I don't know whether I should give up on him or not. Theres no one else around so it feels a bit like its him or no one.

With him, I think he is clueless with women and perhaps trying to impress me by constantly talking about himself. Like he's trying to prove his worth or something. He's also not great at asking for dates and will invite me to things that won't be official or one to one but in his head I'm his girlfriend?!

Does this guy have a lot of experience with women? What does he say about his exes?

Watching this with interest!

Sounds like to hard work...

My BF was like this. I spent a day ignoring his texts early on because he was telling me stuff about him and not actually asking me anything. Eventually he sent me a text asking if I was ok! I replied saying finally he had given me something to respond to. He was absolutely mortified.

I'll be honest, it's not been easy, but I have managed to coach him to ask more questions. Weirdly he had a lecture about exactly this on a training course at work recently and he told me proudly how much he had learned...

Op, how often do you see each other?

@ShadyLady53, I think he has red flags and you are descibing warning signs but attributing benign motives. Idealising you, putting the focus on himself, feeling disrespected and not knowing you are narcisstic traits. If you reflect well on him then he is interested in you. If you showed your vulnerable side or defaulted from perfect he couldn't handle it.
If it feels as if "its all about him" then it probadly is.
Remember if you are iinvesting in him you won't meet anyone better.Definitely be single rather than settle.

I didn't leave Ex because I assumed he was a bit awkward but he seemed perfect in other ways...big mistake as I made assumptions based on not understanding abusive people.

Don’t want to derail the thread so I’ll PM you life begins!

I wonder is some people are genuinely not interested in anyone but themselves?
I'm a nosy poke so ask lots of questions.

My Mum never asks about me and my life and I have a very interesting and challenging job that most folks can't wait to grill me about!
She's a gold medal winner at talking about herself though.

Don't get too involved. If they don't communicate well with you think what they'd be like with their own children. I married someone just like you describe and if there's no communication or very little the long term consequences are rubbish. You'll be the one filling all the emotional voids.