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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it me?

12 replies

BonneMaman77 · 28/09/2018 23:32

I am one size bigger now (10) than when we met two years ago. I have PCOS so naturally have a bit of a tummy but I love food. I mostly eat well but sometimes when there are carbs around i do eat more than normal.

My DH
thinks the fact that I go 50/50 on most food with him is strange for a woman (he is 6" taller).
questions me when i eat carbs of any form - bread, chips etc whilst he consumes these himself (we rarely do)
when i have a second helping but he doesn't - questions my food intake

I am an adult and do not abuse my body he won't shut up about this. We have spoken about this many times.

It makes me livid that he does have an opinion about this still, either speaks his mind or makes is bloody obvious he has an opinion, despite us talking about it. This is I know is wrong on his part. But I would like to make a straw poll of eating habits in couples.

OP posts:

Velvetbee · 28/09/2018 23:36

We eat what we fancy, when we fancy it. Neither of us track what the other eats (because that’s bloody weird), neither of us would dream of criticising what the other eats. We’re both normal weight.
Tell DH he’s being incredibly rude and to STFU.

Janel85 · 28/09/2018 23:39

I think if my dh started making comments about me eating carbs it would be the beginning of the end of our marriage. We used to have equal portions but now if I’m serving up the dinner I will do myself a smaller portion because I don’t need to eat as much as he does and I realise now it wasn’t silly of me to try to eat as much and it wasn’t good for me. But dh would never question me having as much as him. Sorry but I couldn’t be with someone as who tried to be as controlling as that, and it’s not as though you even have a problem with your weight (not that it would make it right if you did) it sounds to me like he is worried you’ll go up a dress size and he is not ok with that, I wouldn’t like that kind of scrutiny.

Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 23:40

I don't know where to start.

I eat less than DH and if I didn't I'd gain weight that would be bad news for my disability. He would I imagine say something eventually if I was excessively eating to an extent it was impacting on my health. However, it is not normal for a spouse to comment on the food choices of another in the way you have described here. And he wants you to exclude a good group for what purpose?

Does he have an opinion on lots of your decisions? Do you get criticised often?

Original poster

BonneMaman77 · 28/09/2018 23:44

Thank you! I've told him its not me its him. He apparently tries to make an effort....to which i've responded no need just know its not your problem to worry about.

He is athletic and healthy and i am not.

Not controlling in other ways...infact i've pointed out i drink more than i should and he's never commented on that.

OP posts:

PickAChew · 28/09/2018 23:46

It's him. You're hardly fat, unless you're 4'9.

Villagelifer · 29/09/2018 07:47

OP, carbs are bad for PCOS (as is alcohol), is that why he points it out?

Notacluewhatthisis · 29/09/2018 07:54

Dp complains one at too little. I don't I am a size 16. But he is 6ft 4in, huge shoulder etc. No fat but massive. He has a manual job so eats big portions and then looks horrified at my smaller portion. Because he is worried I am only having a small portion so he can have more.

He doesn't give a shit about my weight. Although I do. He only worries that I am going without so he can have it.

I have pcos and carbs are horrendous for me. Just as an aside. Make me feel shit and pile weight on. But I also crave them. It's shit.

Djnoun · 29/09/2018 07:58

He shouldn't comment at all on how much food you are eating. That's a definite.

But if you have put on quite a bit of weight in a short time, it probably is a good idea to make sure it doesn't escalate further for the sake of your health.

KathDayKnight50 · 29/09/2018 10:34

We both got obese at one point and decided to tackle it head-on. My husband (because of his size and higher activity levels) can obviously eat more than I can to maintain his weight. To begin with, my husband was surprised at how little I actually need (I am still at the top end of normal BMI) and was worried I wasn't eating enough.

We chat now and then about our weight/diet to keep a lid on things spiralling out of control as they did before. Nothing critical though, just keeping an eye on things as we are both naturally greedy if left unchecked

MiniTheMinx · 29/09/2018 10:38

DH does comment, usually to say "is that all you're eating" we are both a normal weight. He's over 6ft and about 14 stone, I'm 5ft4 and 8 stone. I am according to friends I'm "twiggy" but I'm certainly not skinny. For context I'm an old fashioned size 10. People are getting bigger. DH comments positively about my body and likes me as I am. Which is just as well because I am happy with myself and this is who I am.

You say that your DH is fit and athletic but you are not, is this through choice, or would you like to be more athletic? It's for you to choose no one else.

However he might be concerned about you putting on weight, either because he prefers small and athletic or because of your health. Both are IMO valid concerns. He has a right to have concerns or preferences about anything, but ultimately it's your right to be you, to be a you that you are happy with and to decide how you want to be.

Weight is like any other issue in a relationship. You choose to do the right thing for you, you try always to do the right thing for them, if this clashes you decide if it's more important to please yourself or to please them. They do not expect unreasonable sacrifice, you both make small sacrifices for each other. Compromise is just that, it never means one person always winning, and the other losing. You make unilateral decisions that negatively impact the other then they may walk away. Your decisions have consequences that effect others, and you take responsibility for that. If this means eating dounuts for breakfast and him leaving, then you fully take responsibility for your part in this.

user14869556378 · 29/09/2018 11:04

I eat more than my partner but we don't comment on each other weight (well sometimes as a joke and goes both ways)

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/09/2018 12:35

The only time I’ve ever commented on a partner’s food intake is when I know they’re trying to lose weight / are unhappy with some stomach flab or whatever: and then it’s been in a gentle way along the lines of “are you sure you want that cake / second helping bearing in mind your diet?” (Which I acknowledge some people will say is patronising and unhelpful.) Do you lament about being bigger than when you two met? Do you express being unhappy about your “bit of a tummy”? Do you eat a lot of unhealthy food? If so, could he be responding to that?

Otherwise, it’s really just rude and you need to firmly tell him that you aren’t looking to lose weight or change your diet and to leave you alone.

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