Husband's failure to respond quickly to danger

[Estapesta]

My husband is a good father, I however am extremely unhappy in our marriage and want to leave him.
He and everyone else around us will no doubt be expecting him to have 50/50 care of the children but it terrifies me.
He is not aware of/does not respond to danger. He has attended first aid courses etc but when it's required, is so laid back that he does not do anything. I feared this for several years before DC1 unexpectedly collapsed and became unconscious in my arms during an illness. I screamed for him to call an ambulance but he casually told me to stop over-reacting and proceeded to give DC1 a cuddle.
I then called the ambulance.
They arrived and said we had been extremely lucky and that DC1 required hospital treatment right away. We were taken to hospital in the ambulance.
Another occasion, DC was gagging/choking and struggling to move the food in her throat. She became red faced, eyes bulging and although he was sat next to her, it was me who ran across the room and gave backslaps to release the food before she was sick and it came out.
The thought of the DCs being in his care for long periods is a huge worry to me. I also remember him bottle feeding them as babies and it taking too long for him to remove the bottle if they gagged on their milk etc. He just does not react or respond at all.
Is the answer that I need to stay with him to protect the children?
He is a loving father, but does not realise that urgent reactions are sometimes needed, not just cuddles. I've spoken to him v honestly about this but doesn't have much to say and shrugs his shoulders.

How old are your children? I'm not sure I have much advice to offer but can completely see your concerns. I was just wondering if there is a child old enough who you'd trust to pick up on things and alert their dad?

How would things work if you split? Would he live alone or likely move in with family? Has he got family you could speak to about it who might be able to help him understand your concerns?

With your experiences it is a tricky one, but I don't think you should stay unhappy because of this concern. That would be an awful existence. Could it be that he doesn't take action because you're there? That he freezes a little but doesn't want to admit it? Could you take this approach in a conversation with him? See if he opens up? Or has he just said that in the circumstances you mentioned he doesn't see any danger or cause for concern?

Was the hospital event not some kind of a wake up call for him?

Not sure what to advise here but I completely see where you're coming from

Unless you're prepared to stay in an unhappy marriage, I'd be prepared to contest his capability to care for them without another adult. You need to use these events as evidence to support your argument and maybe start taking legal advice on this before you split.

I'm sorry for both you and him but of course you are right that the kids' safety has to be the priority.

Op I can understand completely why you are worried. I suspect there are dozens of women who worry like this. I do. And yet my dc survives and because I can’t change it, I’ve learnt to push it to the back of my mind.

Dc has been returned to me after a weekend with my ex, so much in need of medical care that 111 offered to send an ambulance if I couldn’t get to a&e under my own steam. I tried giving ex a first aid manual and his new woman sent it back with a snotty note.
And once ex gave ds a toy with the mains wires exposed. It’s terrifying. Perfectly intelligent man with the common sense of a dead gnat. Yet he loves his child.
All I’ve been able to do is show ex how to type “NHS bleeding” or whatever the issue is, into his phone.
Only another 8 years of parenting with a self centred pollock to go.

Pillock, not pollock, although ....

Pollock seems rather appropriate @Seniorschoolmum !

There was no awakening after the collapsing incident at all. Even after medics said how lucky we had been that she hadnt slipped into a coma, he pushes it to the back of his mind and says "she would have been ok, they have tp say things like that"
Id say hes had a very sheltered upbringing and not seen much trauma. I am prepared to speak to his family regarding my concerns should we separate. I am sure they would keep a watchful eye over the children from a distance during his time with them. But I worry during the night, if hes tired he just wont react or respond hoq he should. Another time when DC2 was a baby, I could hear her screaming downstairs whilst I was ill in bed. It went on and on... so I went downstairs to ask what was wrong with her... he said "shes crying."
Well... duh 🙄
I took her temperature and low and behold, it was sky high. In other ways he's a great parent and definitely out-performs me in other areas. But it scares the life out of me to leave him alone with them for long periods.
They are still very young 5 and 2.

Oh gosh, yes I totally get your concerns and those are very young ages.

I am in agreement with the pp who said you'd need to raise your concern for him to adequately care for them alone. Which could make things difficult in a separation and be quite confrontational for you as a pair but totally necessary and the way you've explained it, i believe any mediatory body would agree.

The bottom line is though that it isn't insurmountable. You could challenge it, and successfully so. Perhaps some legal advice on this specific point could help? Good luck xx

Op, there are things you can do. Can you set a very simple routine that he can follow.

Cuts need washing & dressing. If dc is crying endlessly or has a rash or is off their food, check temperature, ask where it hurts, google NHS site. And ring you. Try to keep it simple. Teach your older child to do the same. 5 year olds can be very resourceful when necessary.
If you leave, ensure a thermometer is easily at hand in his kitchen. Leave a first aid kit with the basics, dettol, infant nurofen, plasters. Add a card that says 38 degrees, stay at home, 40 degrees dial 111.

Teach your older one to ring you if his little sister is poorly or hurt. Don’t scare him obviously, frame it in age appropriate way.

Doing something practical will help with the worry. Also, teach your older one what to do if he smells smoke. Now, while you are still in the house. Show him different ways to get out of the house. Practice it, like they do in school.

He might be expecting 50 50 care but surely can not be a given especially as you have a 2 year old who would be better with you full time and him having arranged contact.