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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does this sound normal to you or do I have this all wrong?

21 replies

Didsomeonesaybunny · 28/09/2018 23:01

Long story short my ex and I have had a very up and down relationship. He left me many years ago for OW whom he kept leaving to come back and forth. This went on for quite some time. Each time we had problems he would ask the OW for advice which I found odd because he claimed all sorts of horrible BS about her; how cold and narcissistic she was etc yet he would always ask her advice.

I told him over and over again that any advice she gave was never objective and that there was a clear conflict of interest. She despises me and would do ANYTHING to keep us apart. Unfortunately he has no friends and she revels in involving herself in my life with him so she’ll always allow him to offload onto her.

Is this normal of my ex? Am I irrational to get upset when he does this?

OP posts:

Postnote14 · 28/09/2018 23:05

No to both questions. Tell him to fuck off, and then you can move on and find someone else.

He has you both where he wants, he should be having no contact at all with the other women, and this is all a game to him which will boost his ego.

Don’t be a door mat, you weren’t put on this earth for that reason.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2018 23:09

Oh wow. He left you. For another woman. And now he’s slagging you off to her?

Sorry to be harsh but you need to find your self respect and tell him to fuck off and then never speak to him again. Also get an STD check if he’s been shagging you both.

Singlenotsingle · 28/09/2018 23:11

Just get out and leave them to it. Why do you hang around? Have some self respect, woman!

Smozzles · 28/09/2018 23:13

Clean break needed. There really are other guys out there. I'd really love to see his face when you tell him to go shove it!

eggncress · 28/09/2018 23:14

2 women to shag as and when he pleases and he gets them both slagging eachother off snd he’s conveniently in the middle getting a massive ego boost.
Advice you can give him ... to fuck off back to her!
Seriously ... you need to get rid ASAP and as other poster said, get yourself std checked at your local women’s health clinic / gp.

Original poster

Didsomeonesaybunny · 28/09/2018 23:14

Thanks both. I have told him to F off repeatedly. He continuously tells me that I’m unreasonable to be upset when he contacts her to discuss our relationship, I think it’s vile. I also find it massively dysfunctional and why she’d allow it I have no clue.

He’s a very bright chap and must see that she will say anything to break us up/keep us apart. I just find it crazy.

Have had STI checks (even though we used condoms) and all clear on that front.

I’m not letting him back in I just wanted to knOw I’m not crazy thinking this behaviour is nuts.

OP posts:

Eatmycheese · 28/09/2018 23:15

Why are you giving this dropkick any more headspace?

Smozzles · 28/09/2018 23:15

You are NOT crazy. Being in any contact with that man ever again would be though.

Eatmycheese · 28/09/2018 23:15

Yes his behaviour is nuts. Run for the fucking hills and leave them to it.

Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 23:16

Oh OP. I feel so bad for you! You must feel so terrible. Please leave this relationship. It's beyond toxic.

merville · 28/09/2018 23:17

Cutting off absolutely all contact with the ow should have been a basic condition of getting back into a relationship with you.

He sounds like he's still involved with both of you and playing you off against each other.

He ends contact with her or you end the relationship, but as others have said above it sounds like the better thing for you would be to just cut your losses and get away from him. Esp if you have no kids together yet, it'll only be worse with kids involved.

merville · 28/09/2018 23:19

Sorry I see now you're describing him as your ex - thank fuck.

No, you're 100% correct tonnog be ok with this

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2018 23:19

But you’ve been letting him back in too and he betrayed you in the worst possible way! You’ve been playing the pick me dance seeing her as your enemy and him as some sort of prize. You don’t win by getting him back when you know he’s a snake, you win by getting free of the whole nasty grubby mess and telling him to never contact you again and focussing on yourself.

Are you married? You need to make a complete break. He’s had it made poncing around between two jealous women and their beds. You’re better than this.

merville · 28/09/2018 23:23

He was a lucky bastard who didn't deserve it when you took him back after leaving you for someone else (and presumably cheating before he did); he should have cut off all contact with her when you took him.
Instead he just continued an (at the very least) emotionally relationship with her and talked about your relationship to her. As I said it sounds like he played you off against each other. He was taking the absolute piss.

merville · 28/09/2018 23:26

You're better away from him, he has no boundaries, no integrity and is not (decent) relationship material.

Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 23:26

Oh I'm sorry I thought you were still together!

Original poster

Didsomeonesaybunny · 28/09/2018 23:33

Agree with the advice off everyone - I need to go NC, absolutely I do. We aren’t married (thankfully) but I’m about to have his baby, I’m 40+3 weeks pregnant. He swore to me he’s changed and that she was nothing to him but he betrayed me again (over and over this year)

She and I facilitate this crazy behaviour, cutting him out completely and taking away his crutch is what we should do but she’s so desperate to keep a hold of him she will literally take anything off him. I don’t need to be quite as pitiful or pathetic though.

My sister actually advised me he was on a dating site, joined a day after he left me and has been seeing two women and the OW, how she is willing to put up with it is beyond me but it is not my concern.

I just need to focus on me and the baby now. Thanks all!

OP posts:

eggncress · 28/09/2018 23:38

well done for making that decision. However you need to block him/ have no contact / completely disengage from any discussion with him or he’ll try to worm his way back into your life, remind you of the “good times” or convince you that he’s good for (while having no long term intention to change )
I think you’ll find he’s been manipulating you into hating this rival OW while at the same time making you feel he’s worth fighting for.

merville · 28/09/2018 23:47

OP not to sound too harsh but after you've had your baby, had some time out, feel ready etc. - go and find your own man. Because this one is community property, a time share.

Smozzles · 29/09/2018 12:14

Best of luck, OP for a bright future with your lovely baby free from this man (unless he gives child support!). x

URaflutteringcunt · 29/09/2018 13:34

I also find it massively dysfunctional and why she’d allow it I have no clue.

Because she thinks the same about you and he has encouraged it. None of it is normal relationship behaviour.

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