What's really real?

[Boobiewoobie]

Musings.

In short, I was miserable in my relationship and blaming things on my husband for making me miserable. But I have known for a long time I don't have brilliant control over my mood swings and in a low patch I was desperate enough to call the GP and book an appointment. The appointment came when I'd pulled myself our of the
slump but I went and tried to explain and came away with anti depressants. A month on I don't feel amazing, but I feel better and haven't suffered any low periods, though it wasn't abnormal for me to have a few months between them.

Anyway, things have improved with my husband and I'm now wondering... Is it/was it because of my mental health? Is it a bit him and a bit that? Is/was it all me? I know I have the right to feel unappreciated or unfulfilled in the relationship and he should make an effort to improve when I have spoken to him about things, but is/was he making an effort and I couldn't always see it? After all, it's not his job to be responsible for my happiness, that's my job. But if inconsiderate things he does affect my happiness is that my problem or his? Presumably both my general happiness and my reactions to things are affected by the anti depressants. Was I only annoyed by him forgetting to switch the dishwasher on because I was/am depressed? Surely not because having no clean plates is annoying regardless of your mental state right?

How do I know how I really feel?!

After all, it's not his job to be responsible for my happiness, that's my job

IME it is. How far are you prepared to go to obtain it?

It is my job?

Pretty far... I think

A journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step.

What do you think you need to do to start this journey? You have already been to the GP and got AD's. Is that what you want?

How about self help? Books, you tube videos, mindful meditations. yoga classes. 'The power of Now' by Eckart Tolle is a good book. You Tube videos by Rupert Spira, Deepak Chopra, Mooji.
Buddhist centre for meditation classes.
How about support? Counsellors, therapists, groups try BACP website. MIND for group therapy.

Good luck OP

OP, I'm glad you're feeling better. Well done for finding help, it is not easy when you're not well to know that something is wrong.
Regarding your questions, I'd say it's not black and white. Your mood will have affected your perception of situations. Something insignificant becomes an issue if you don't feel well. Having said that maybe some of the things that made you unhappy weren't insignificant to start with and anyone would have been unhappy. It's hard to say.
What is important is that you are feeling happier now and looking to find a balance. I agree that we are responsible for your own happiness, but it's good that your H is making an effort.
Maybe at the end of the day it doesn't matter where the problem was if it's now sorted and you can keep it up. Can you find something to help regardless of antidepressants? I know it's stereotypical but maybe now that you are feeling able you could join the gym or some other activity that would also help with depression and feel more real? Something that is still there when you are not on tablets anymore. Just a thought.

Living with someone with depression takes it toll on the other person. Of course it affected him, which in turn affected your relationship.

It's good you are getting help now, but don't underestimate the affect of your depression on him.

People annoy each other at times in relationships, that's normal.

How do you feel about him generally?

He's a really good person, genuinely kind and I trust him and he's great. He just pisses me off by forgetting to do the dishwasher when it's his only job, leaving his socks by the bed instead of the laundry basket and being happy to stay late at work or run extra errands and just assuming I'll pick up the slack with the kids etc. Normal niggles but I've been wondering for some time whether I should leave and if I'd be happier alone, or if it's me making it worse than it is in my head. I talk a lot to him about how I feel (bad) and I think he's for a bit fed up at times (probably because I nearly always blame him or what he has or hasn't done) but he's always kind. He says he doesn't realise and he'll try, but that he's always trying to do things for the good of the family I.e. work extra for the money and I'm torn because I really want him to choose me over work but equally we do need the money and he almost never goes out other than for work so its not like he's taking the piss our at the pub every night. My logical brain says he's a good person, but my emotional one feels disappointed at times. I don't know. I want to stay with him forever but I don't know if we have enough passion to do so. I don't want to feel low level resentful and unimportant forever. But it could be mostly in my head and I don't always feel like that. I can't afford to do gym or yoga but we have got a dog and walking (without the kids!) is my sanity when I get time. I need to make time.

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water, is what someone once said to me... from what you've said he sounds like a good one. Like you, he's human. You're not perfect and neither is he. Sometimes it pays to focus on what's good about a person / situation, rather than small things that don't really matter. I'm sure you could do a lot worse. Just have a read of some of the threads on here. Having said all that, I totally understand where you're coming from. Sounds like your partner is really trying hard to make you happy. You are a lucky person. Be thankful 💐