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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relieved male friend has new gf.. why?

22 replies

sevenatenine3 · 28/09/2018 16:26

Hello! Can I ask an opinion please? My best friend who is male has a new gf. This friend and I are extremely close and at times there has been blurred lines and crossed boundaries.. although not physical. For example, he would compliment me a lot but not in an appropriate friend way . We text co tinuosly, work together , seek each other out all day and just click. Huge connection and chemistry . Possibly flirty and suggestive at times on his part. He has major issues around sexuality and finds it difficult to meet and sustain relationships. I believe that he is asexual or else has deep seated sexual issues which render him disinterested in sex full stop I have encouraged counselling many times. . His gf has just come out of an abusive ten year relationship and is very needy and clingy.. his thoughts.. she wants to move forward and fast. He wants to take things really slowly . She says she accepts this and accepts his sexuality. I aired my concerns about this as I feel she is delicate and vulnerable too from what he has said . His needs are being met for the first time in his life , by his own admission ; whereas hers are not . She is highly sexed and wants a baby quickly. Her background is very dysfunctional according to my friend . Again, I expressed my concerns . So now theya re officially a couple and for a very strange reason that I cannot understand, I am really relieved . Any thoughts on this? Is it because I have been his emotional shoulder to lean on and now it’s resolved ? Can’t figure it out! Thanks very much for reading this!

OP posts:
noego · 28/09/2018 16:36

The first thought that came to mind was co-dependency. It seems that you have been his emotional crutch for a long time and now that burden has been taken off you.

sevenatenine3 · 28/09/2018 16:42

Thank you! I think you might be right. Yes sometimes it was all too much and my mind was whirling in confusion and I was bothered about him and us I guess. I can’t explain the weight lifted . It’s almost like I’m free. Does that make sense ?

OP posts:
Rebecca36 · 28/09/2018 16:42

I agree with noego, you may be relieved because it means he will be less dependent on you. So you are free!

You sound like a good friend and I hope the friendship continues, just less heavy.

LanguidLobster · 28/09/2018 16:54

It's really easy to fall into quasi-relationships with male friends when you're both single.

Does sound like you're relieved!

sevenatenine3 · 28/09/2018 19:34

Thank you for your responses. I’ve just read up on codependency and this makes sense albeit hard to read . I do really feel free and a weight lifted and I want to almost put an end to the emotional dependence by returning a message that I’ve just received which basically says how happy he feels that he is giving his new relationship a chance to grow. I don’t know how to respond to this but I almost want to draw a line in the sand so to speak... any ideas please??

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 28/09/2018 21:27

Whatever the situation between you and him, this new relationship has disaster written all over it!

sevenatenine3 · 28/09/2018 21:43

I could t agree more! He has said that she is very loving and accepts him for who he is ... the whole story is so sad though. She is desperately seeking love and validation and I guess so is he . On reflection , I wonder was I a girlfriend filler, an ego stroker because this man is truly one of the loveliest , kindest men you could ever hope to meet and we are the best of friends . If your daughter came home with him as a boyfriend, you’d be thrilled .. at least on the outside . She however is so messed up but I genuinely have expressed all my concerns and I have been hard on him as I feel the only one whose needs are being met are his . She is almost taking any crumbs he is giving her although he is very kind and generous to her when they are together . All on his terms .. when they meet, what they do, the pace, the sex etc. She seems to just take whatever he is willing to give her . It’s pathetic really but he genuinely believes he is being honourable and noble . And he is lovely to her, but all on his terms . Ive literally wished him the very best but told him that he’s a big boy now and can fend for himself, that ( in jest) I am emotionally drained after him and the deep and meaningful conversations are over ... was I too harsh i wonder??

OP posts:
friio1983 · 28/09/2018 22:16

You love him don't you?

Singlenotsingle · 28/09/2018 22:27

It's complicated. Not your problem though. If you're free now, you can go and find a fulfilling relationship of your own now.

sevenatenine3 · 28/09/2018 22:34

Yes it’s stepping back that’s important and saying no for the first time ever ! Yes I absolutely love him to bits . He is a wonderful person who goes from one train wreck to another but frankly I’m sick of it now !

OP posts:
FabulouslyGlamorousFerret · 29/09/2018 07:04

friio ditto!

boatyardblues · 29/09/2018 07:13

Yeah, I was reading between the lines when you said he can’t sustain a relationship & assume its because you are both overly emotionally enmeshed & he wanted more. All this dangling this poor, needy GF on a piece of string & setting the terms makes it sound like he’s daring you to intervene. Doesn’t sound healthy, either between the two of you or him & his new GF. Also wonder if you’ve been the emotional “cock blocker” to him moving on.

fieryginger · 29/09/2018 08:25

I think then having a baby so fast is a dreadful idea. Hope your friend knows he'll be tied to this relationship for life, if he goes ahead with this.

I think, the first year of a relationship is getting to know someone, even the first couple of years. We are all on our best behaviour until we let our guard down and relax to be ourselves, in ANY relationship.

He needs to get to know her well before bringing a child into the world.

sevenatenine3 · 29/09/2018 08:39

His relationships crumble because of his aversion to sex . There is no sexual or romantic interest on either side . Just a heavy emotional dependency I think. I’m so glad I put an end to that last night . I’ve said my piece so I’m hoping we can revert to keeping this light and fun from now on . Thank you all

OP posts:
AtlasQueen · 29/09/2018 10:04

I understand as I too have a male bestie and it does get confusing. I think I’d be relieved if he got a girlfriend as it would make my time clearer.

Plus - I worry I’m a place-filler sometimes. If he has a gf and we’re still close I’ll know that I’m not

CantankerousCamel · 29/09/2018 10:11

I would absolutely avoid a relationship with someone who had a sex aversion however well we got on.

You’re best to stay away from this guy emotionally OP.

sevenatenine3 · 29/09/2018 11:28

Thank you all. I find it hard to understand his thoughts on sex. I find it unusual as I am the exact opposite to that and also I’ve never ever met a man who does not experience arousal or sexual attraction to anyone. For that reason I advised counselling as I’m not equipped to guide him. He stil has t gone to see counsellor despite being perpetually tormented by his thoughts. Yes I have decided to remove myself emotionally from his problems and him in general . I’ve told him now and I expect he will start increasing the contact. In temper once I told him that I was sick of helping him clean up his messes after his continuous car crashes of relationships. He’ll remember that as he was so angry with me .finally I am being true to my word and I’m out ! Thanks for all your thoughts . You helped me realise the reality of the situation

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 29/09/2018 15:01

in the nicest possible way OP, you sound lovely, but you also sound way too overinvolved in the life of a 'friend' - you don't need to spend time psychoanalysing his sexual preferences or deep seated issues, you aren't responsible for cleaning up his messes, neither form part of a healthy friendship.
The relationship you have with him seems unhealthy in that sense- it's the type of conversation you might have with a partner. I would not appreciate or enjoy any of my male friends endlessly blurring the lines, because i do not want them to be attracted to me, and am not attracted to them.
It won't benefit anyone in this scenario for you to feel such a right to comment on what his girlfriend does and doesn't want according to him, or endlessly perpetuate your analysis of his sexuality. There is no need for you to seek advice on his behalf about his relationship, as it is their business. It is sounding a bit like you don't regard she and he as a 'real' relationship but do regard you and he as legitimately intimate.

Do you think you would like to be with this person? Since he is clearly capable of forming relationships with other women but doesn't directly make a move on you don't you think it's created an addictive 'what if' and sense of ' whatever he does i get a kick out of thinking he secretly would be with me if he could' type of thing?

He doesn't sound like suitable relationship material from what you say, if he has a partner now what he is doing with you, oversharing about her personal circumstances disparigingly, flirting etc borders on an emotional affair. I wonder what he tells her about you? If you think he would never do that to you because you and he really are special, then that suggests that your stance on it is heavily biased and you are romanticising this in some sense.

Maybe it would be better to place the focus of your analysis on your feelings and codepency towards him and trying to untangle that. Perhaps you do not healthily enjoy your relationship with him as much as you think if you feel a sense of relief he has been passed on to someone else to deal with, codependency will do that to you. Perhaps you are so fed up of wondering whether you and he will get together you are relieved the 'hope' feels gone and now you can settle back into other things.
I'd back away and focus on yourself!

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 29/09/2018 15:09

I agree with above poster, he's your friend but you don't need to make his relationship your business.

sevenatenine3 · 29/09/2018 18:55

Thank you again for your insights. You wouldn’t believe how much they’ve helped me to question this whole feelin of relief and freedom. I must reiterate that I have absolutely no interest in him romantically or physically . I must’ve agree with so much of what you’ve written ... none of my business, over involved etc and I really appreciate your responses . Thanks

OP posts:
sevenatenine3 · 02/10/2018 11:59

I spoke with my friend yesterday. I told him that i no longer wanted to e part of conversations surrounding his relationship and their issues. I said that I felt that my care and concerns were not proportional to his own feelings on his issues. I explained that I wanted to remove myself from his situation as I felt that if he didnt care enough to deal with or explore his anxieties, then me caring too much was ridiculous. What has now happened is that he is bombarding me with messages and following me into my office etc. He is awkward and a it odd around me.I dont know how to deal with this? Im much older than him and at time, he reminds me of a younger brother that I never had so I expect that this may be some of the reason that I became over involved. I have read up all weekend on codependency and i fit the description perfectly. rushing in to sort out everyone elses problems, eldest child, child of alcoholic etc etc. He is really upset as he feels like he has been binned off, weirdly enough.on reflection, I definitely feel like i was a girlfriend filler, who stroked his ego and was mothered him. He loved it. Now he seems put out that I have told him, Im not available to him to be his emotional crutch anymore, but that Ill, of course, be a friend to him always. Does any of this make sense to you? I cant thank you all enough for setting me in the right direction. I am very grateful for the objectivity and guidance. Thank you sincerely.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 02/10/2018 12:06

As PPs have highlighted, your “friendship” with him sounds way too intense and unhealthy, for both of you. Suggest reflecting on why you have got into this codependent situation with him and changing the boundaries, eg to communicate with and see him much less and minimise discussion of his relationship and sex issues!

If he behaves inappropriately at work, eg pestering you, you’ll need to tell him to behave professionally and if it continues seek advice from HR.

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