Are any of these abusive relationships?

[Jamiesons]

I’m unsure. All about friends of mine - which of these, if any, do you think are abusive relationships and why/why not?

1. ‘Perfect family’ set up. Husband earns a lot, wife is SAHM, she and children always expected by him to be well turned out and to behave well. He demands sex most nights and she thinks that I’m her role as a wife she can’t say no so has sex with him whether she wants to or not (but he never forces himself on her, just expects it). He can be very grumpy when things are not as he expects (untidy house for instance) and can give her the silent treatment for the evening if this happens.

1. Same sex couple. One wants to know where the other is and with whom all the time, even when she is at work. When she’s not working, she expects her GF to be with her and never with anybody else or out of the house and is angry if GF asks if she can see a friend for a cup of tea, for instance. When they are apart (eg one at work), GF is expected to answer the phone within 3 rings or gets questioned angrily about where she is and what she’s doing and why she didn’t answer the phone.

1. A couple who seem to have a great relationship in most respects, very relaxed, no attempts to come across as ‘perfect’, husband does his share in the house and with the kids. Wife is SAHM. But he earns a lot and doesn’t give her access to the money. He pays mortgage, bills etc but gives her nothing for general expenses during the week meaning that she’s stuck at home with the kids and can’t even do any groups or classes with them because she can’t afford to.

Thoughts?

All are abusive controlling relationships

Agree. All abusive.

1. has sex with him whether she wants to or not - that is truly horrific. He sounds horrid.
2. controlling, jealous
3. financially abusive.

All should split. 3 especially, as she could probably stay in the house until the youngest was 18 and he's have to give her money. She'd be better off!

All 3 are abusive.

All are abusive.

Yes, they're all abusive.

1. he's coercing her into sex whether she wants to or not. And giving her the silent treatment for minor "wrongs" is emotionally abusive.
2. that's controlling and possessive
3. financial abuse

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/graphic.php

ALL of these are abusive love.

Have a look at the graphic attached

All abusive!

I don’t know though. I’ve looked at the infographic which I do agree is really helpful, but aside from the first one, they don’t fit neatly into any of those which just shows how abuse is not black and white or obvious in a lot of cases.

The same sex couple where one is controlling - that’s obviously not ok behaviour, but she’s not locking her in the house and she would let her GF go out if she insisted, it’s just that she’s got GF conditioned to do what she wants and not go against it. That isn’t good but it’s not as obvious as clear cut controlling abuse.

The family with the husband who earns a lot and pays for the house etc but doesn’t give his wife access to money - he fits perfectly into every statement about the good partner except he controls the money. So that one flaw makes him abusive but otherwise he’s a good partner? I find it hard to get my head around.

Try changing your last statement to "he fits perfectly into every statement about the good partner except he hits her sometimes". I imagine that you would see that as abusive somehow.

That is a very good point whatsthecomingoverthehill and I do agree to an extent but someone who hits their partner sometimes cannot just have that one behaviour on its own there will always be anger or jealousy or mood swings or something accompanying it whereas if you withhold money you’re a twat for doing that but maybe just a tightarse rather than abusive? I dunno

I bet he isn't friendly when she asks him for money. Or she has been trained not to ask. That is the ultimate aim of the abuser, to bend someone to your will so that you don't even have to 'control' them anymore, they're just trained to do what you want without asking (but always with the threat lurking in the background).

Oh that is a good point too actually she has probably been trained not to ask for it like the woman in the second example has kinda been trained not to plan to do anything when her partner is not at work. I hadn’t thought of it that way

I think the term ‘abusive’ is overused. The truth is all of us are capable of responding abusively - all of us are capable of being abusive under certain circumstances. Also people can be abusive in different ways toward each other.
MNers often seek out the clear power imbalance of abusive (usually man) and abused (usually woman) like a scales in which one is above the other. In truth - dysfunction in relationships takes many forms and can be wrong on both sides. There’s a dynamic to every relationship which doesn’t always fit the abuser/abused stereotypes.

3 is not only financially abusive but a horrible dad - he gives nothing to his children

1 is also an awful father and setting his children up for MH issues

Those are all clearly abusive set-ups. Awful. Are any of them happy?

They all sound like dreadful situations.

The truth is all of us are capable of responding abusively - all of us are capable of being abusive under certain circumstances.

True...but if it's a pattern and repeated, then the person engaging in the abusive behaviour needs to look at their circumstances and take a long, hard look in the mirror.

3 seems happy although not happy about money situation but otherwise happy if you see what I mean which is why it’s a confusing one for me. 1 and 2 always seem like their pretending to be happy but cracks show when they let guard down but who really knows

Agree that all 3 are abusive. I’m actually enrolling into the freedom programme - my counsellor recommended it to me.

Even without having undergone the programme I’m starting to realise that for the last 6 years I have been in an abusive relationship. My ex demanded sex, to throw myself into his hobbies with gusto: sailing, cycling, running, learning to ride a motor bike, DJ and Bar tending course (we are lawyers for Christ sakes) some of which I just wasn’t that interested in but if I ever objected it would be met with passive aggression. He felt he had the right to on demand sex because his wife had never given him any and he wasn’t going to have a relationship without it but he took it to the extreme.

The more vulnerable he made me the more outrageous his demands became. He would hide my contraceptive pill as he was obsessed with getting me pregnant, for many years I took the pill in secret. Then when I DID eventually get pregnant he upped and left.

He would complain if I didn’t want to drink gin with him every single night and would be deeply disappointed if I didn’t spend every waking hour calling/texting whilst we were both working. He’s been sacked for his lack of work ethic in multiple jobs and he takes others down with him (thankfully not me though).

One of his most disturbing demands was when he asked me whether I’d be interested in partaking in the surrendered wife movement and essentially having my salary paid into his account and he’d manage our finances. He liked the idea of me asking him permission to purchase things, when I could come during sex and what I should wear each day. It’s at that point I realised he’d gone insane.

All are abusive
Why should a man be in charge or a woman not be recognised as an equal because their role as a SAHM does not pay a wage. Control, and unfortunately that is how a lot of men like it. Arseholes!

@Didsomeonesaybunny

Gosh your ex sounded bad...onwards and upwards for you.