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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I know I'm a mug but...............

3 replies

Imarriedaviking · 28/09/2018 09:45

Left an abusive relationship last year.Lost everything, sofa surfing for a few months (not recommended at 60) Everything in storage. Had to rehome horses and younger dog.
Fast forward, found place to live and met a lovely guy od, third date he tells me he "knows I'm the woman for him" and that "he'll be seeing me every day from now on"
I insisted we take things slowly but was continually love bombed by him.
Couldn't do enough for me, constant calls and texts, worrying about my safety etc etc.
Then he started staying over, everything was really good.Little by little he moved in, got on well with friends and family.Even talked marriage.
Then, a friend using the same site told me he was often online.
I questioned him as to why and all he could do was shrug his shoulders and say "I don't know"
I may be overreacting but I felt betrayed.I'd just come through a similar scenario, which he was well aware of.
Packed up his belongings and told him to go forth and multiply.
Be a strong independent female, who needs a man anyway?
He always kept in touch, even though I was vile to him, really said some very hurtful stuff.
Lovely messages and gifts followed.
We, tentatively, decided to try again.When he stays over it is only to sleep.Apparently it's not me, it's him, that old chestnut.He is a workaholic, always on the go.
And now, as before, he's back online again.
I know I should follow my gut feeling, run and not look back but I really have fallen for him.Without trust there can be no relationship, so that is that.Blocked, no contact.
But feel so damn low.Last few years have been stressful , widowed, lost my son, abusive relationship, health issues, really thought things were picking up for once.
Need a shoulder.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2018 10:00
Flowers

You also need to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and do this in person. You have basically left one abusive relationship only to land yourself in another one. This bloke had all the red flags about him that you either minimised or did not fully recognise (also your boundaries have been harmed anyway due to your previous abusive relationship. That man also did you a lot of emotional harm too). Love bombing is a well worn tactic of abusive men and perhaps too reading the Loser by Dr Joe Carver could help you as well. You were vulnerable and he took full advantage of that state.

You are perhaps in love with the idea of him rather than the actual him but this is who he really is. You need to unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships along the way and continue to remain in no contact with this person. You may also feel sad due to the "sunken costs fallacy" (read up on this too with regards to relationships).

DianaT1969 · 28/09/2018 15:08

Just to say I'm really sorry OP. You sound lovely and I hope things go well for you from now on. You did well to get rid of him and block him. Stay strong and hopefully you'll be over him soon.

SuperSuperSuper · 28/09/2018 18:11

You've had some bad luck, OP. It's awful. I really hope things pick up for you. Getting rid of this man was the right thing to do.

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