How do I help teenage DS out of controlling relationship?

[another20]

Not sure he sees it for what it is yet - so that would be the first step. He has been with her 3 years since he was 14, just turning 15. She constantly stalks and monitors him. Early on I had to tell him that her on face time in his phone all evening watching (an interrupting) him whilst he was doing his home work was not normal. Phone calls, texts, snap chat etc went on through the night. If he didn’t pick up she would ring incessantly (FT would ring on one of our lap tops) and could go on repeatedly for 30mins. We would hear her screaming at him down the phone late at night. She changed uni choices and changed to defer to a year out to match his movements. This backfired as he ended up somewhere else this year in clearing as he had massively underachieved. She had caused major disruption at our family events. She wanted to take him to uni instead of us - we pushed back and that caused a scene. However we have just found out that she went up when we left and has been staying in his halls all week. I feel that we should have stepped in much earlier - I don’t want a debate about whether this is a controlling relationship or not right now, as I have read enough to determine that - I just need some direction as to how we can support him.

That sounds terrible. Presumably you've discussed this with your son. How does he feel about her actions?

I haven’t asked about how he feels about her actions - but probably done it all wrong - I have told him that her behaviours are not respectful or normal - but he just closes down and says I am only saying that because I don’t like her.

This is so hard, I know.
My DD was in a controlling relationship.
I just kept re-iterating the signs and actions of controlling and abusive behaviour.
But it was her friends who finally convinced her.
I think him being at Uni may help.
His peers will see her behaviour and hopefully tell him it's all batshit and totally wrong.
I'm not sure what you can do.
If it was the other was around I would recommend the book I got for my DD THIS ONE
Might work for your DS as well??????

My DD started a relationship a year before she went to uni. It impacted on her choices and ultimately impacted on her enjoyment of her time at uni and very very nearly on her degree award. She barely scraped a 2.1 and really failed to engage properly with her course.

Her boyfriend was basically either always there or getting her to go to his family home, regardless of her workload. He was also charming, bright and good looking, just totally manipulative and controlling.

So yes, I agree you need to be doing all you can to nip this in the bud. We tried to be gently encouraging of her to widen her horizons rather than slag him off. They broke up lots of times but he always worked his way back.

Ultimately what split them up was physically putting distance between them and the input of some new friends (basically she worked at Camp America for 3 months). He still sends her poems and stuff but she is definitely over him.

So yeah get him away if you can; gap year, year abroad, anything: don't let her spoil three or four years of his life.

Thank you - what horror stories you have lived through. I have read the book synopsis and have ordered it. Seems we are in for a slow process. He told us that they had planned to see each other once w month while at uni which sounded reasonable - but clearly she was unable to respect that and allow him to bed in and make friends - I suspect, just having read what I have written, is that is her objective. I think reiterating behaviours is the way to go rather than personalising it to the GF. Have also since called his best friend to clarify my concerns and he said all the mates agreed she was v dominant and controlling. So I have asked him to chip in with a few subtle questions or observations directly to DS when he has the chance over the next few months.

Seems that she is always one step ahead. He had planned a gap year without her / then she chose to defer and the joint plans became v narrow .... working locally and then inter railing next May rather than his solo trip thru South America from Jan. Then another opportunity came up for him to live and work in a school in Bangkok from Aug to Dec - he was v excited about that but an hour later after a phone call with GF - he decided “it wasn’t a good idea”. So we thought that him going to uni 4hrs away and seeing her once a month would allow him some space and distance - but gutted to find out she has just gone up there and camped out in his room.