How long before you found out he was abusive?

[sophieloves]

Split up with ex last year, he just got a new girlfriend. He was very EA, name calling, threats, hot and cold, I couldn't speak to him about anything because I feared he would get angry. Full blown rage etc. I felt so worn out and drained when I left him.

So I'm sat here thinking, how long before he shows his true colours? I feel sorry for her.

Looking back he showed his true colours within months, but I was in love and didn't see it then.

I think you've summed it up already. The abusive behaviours are there from day one, it's spotting them and seeing them for what they are they takes time unfortunately. That's why so many of us fall for it

With both my emotionally abusive partners the early signs were there within 3 months, albeit different signs with each one.

But like you said, we are so blindly in love at that point that the early red flags get brushed aside.

3 months, 4 before the real nasty stuff came out

I think it depends on you

Looking back, it was early on that low level stuff started. Within months.

But we were happy, because I believed that the changes I made were genuinely because that's what I wanted and was too happy to make the changes. After 8 years of marriage and 10 years of being together, I realised these changes weren't making me happy. I started to make small changes again.

That's when he stepped it up.

When I got pregnant which was after two years. It was a shock.

The red flags were within 2/3 months. It got increasingly worse over the next 12 months. I actually didn't realise he was abusive until I spoke to the police about a completely unrelated matter and I mentioned something he'd said to me.

Small subtle stuff straight away and then gradually increased. I guess he was testing the waters gradually gradually. Just proves they are doing it deliberately rather than being a quirk of personality.

When he moved in at about 10 months. Note to self. An adult (35) who needs to live with you because his finances are so fucked up because he gambles, should be dumped not helped.

About 4 months for the stuff I could ignore/pretend wasn't really happening. 6 for the nasty stuff to start.

Well b4 i understood the dynamics of it all i felt i needed his approval - that was the uncomfortable feeling i had to begin with. Six months in he was really angry because i didnt think of him when i planned a weekend without him. Not hurt. Angry.

But - my parents always owned my feelings so.... i didnt leave him over that. Should have of course. I put up with it until he was physically abusive.

I feel sorry for x's new gf as well. It is like knowing, there goes a woman with very low self esteem.

I remember also when he was having those rages, going from 0 to 100 within minutes. I used to sit back and what the fuck just happened?

In the early stages when he was testing the waters, and the problem started I remember I used to put it down to " every couple has ups and downs, and this was our downs", so I thought if I went through this, things would get better.

After 7 years and three DCs, I finally woke up and smelled the coffee!

What did waking up and smelling the coffee look like OP?

First husband I didn't realise until a few years in but I was 18 when we met and naive. Lasted 11 years.

Yeh it can be so hard to know by which measure the relationship is wrong. My parents always made me feel like my needs were an inconvenience and my mum did qnd still does a fine rendition of victim beast if you try to defend yrslf or argue that you werent being unreasonable. So with that background, it was 3 or 4 years in, and :-/ pregnant, that i realised i had successfully cr3ated a life that looked happy on the outside but was miserable on the inside. I had an epiphany that i had cared more about appearing happy than being happy.
I struggl3d on for a bit even after that. Only left after i thought to myself if i were dying id leave him. Then i thought surely that means i should leave now.

So that is how waking up and smelling was for me. A few epiphanies to do with me and my one life rather than anything better or worse to do with him.

Didn't realise it till after he left

I was with a highly intelligent covert narc so a lot of it was very subtle and it was only when things started to go really wrong (about 6 years in) that I put the pieces together. By then it was very obvious he was a high-functioning alcoholic and that exposed a lot of the other behaviours.

With exH the abusive behaviour was there from the very start but I didn't recognise it until just before I left him 17 years later (counsellor set the ball rolling) then I realised a whole lot more after I'd left him. My low self esteem/lack of reference points caused a lot of ex's behaviour to be interpreted through the lens of "he only does it because he loves/protects/looks after me" so it was hard to spot at the time.

when I was pregnant but that happened very early on. But there was signs before then I just didnt notice them.

I said a few years before I realised I was being abused but I meant the coercive control aspect. He began physically and sexually abusing me after a year. I was 5 months pregnant and he kicked me in the shins about ten times and so it began

I was groomed as a vulnerable teen fresh out of an adolescent psychiatric unit into a 5 year long confusing, exciting, heart dropping, worrying, stressful, intense sexually, emotionally abusive and controlling relationship with a 'man' 17 years my senior. What a shambles. 19 years later im still unravelling the whole thing. Had a lightbulb moment 4 years ago when I discovered mn when I was pregnant and recognised a lot of shit from the relationship board.

Hugs and to you all xxxxx