How to cope with being sad and happy all at once

[What2doH2]

Hi everyone I am new to this and have lots to post
I am in a 10 year relationship nearly 11 years.
We got together when we was 16 we are now both 27 and have 2 kids together.
When I was pregnant with my first son he cheated on me with a women they slept together a few times. Once I found out and left with my son he changed his life around he only goes out drinking on celebrations and is a dovited dad to 3.
He requests once a year break with his friends. Is this normal?
I had the coil put in 18 months ago and my mood swings are bad one part of the dad I'm so in love with him the next I hate him. Is this the hormones from the coil or me being a physco
When he works away I get sad but I get on with it but once he goes away on his break with his friends I'm in total meltdown mode and can't control my sobbing or anxiety.
I'm very confused and would like some options on what's going on

Oh dear. Poor you

Going away with his friends should be ok..I hope you get a simailr break. You've done a lot in your life already and sometimes we all need a little down time to navel gaze and remember who we are.

it is unclear to me if it's just that you don't fully trust him and are feeling insecure, or if you are feeling depressed. Probably both. In which case, you need to get on top of your emotions...and talking here is good, but you probably should also see a doctor. They can hopefully get you stable so you can think about everything else.

Have you only felt like this in the last 18 months?
How long ago was the affair?
If he met OW when he was out or away with friends, then it is understandable you feel like this.

PP says he should be able to go out with friends and in a normal relationship, he should. But IMO yours isn't a normal relationship, it's a broken one. He broke it and you've both tried to fix it but there's a still a big crack there. Only you know if that will heal in more time or you will never trust him enough. And only you know if that is something you can live with for the rest of your life.

Did you go to counselling either on you own or as a couple? Maybe this is something you should do.

Sometime I think to myself am I depressed or am I lonely?
I don't think I really am lonely as I have so many good people around me.
My bond with my partner is my best friend I have no friend like him I can't tel him anything and his my first go to with a problem but there is a crack somewhere and I don't know if it is we are not enough because he has been unfaithful or because I haven't forgot yet?
I go months without thinking about the affair until he wants to go out again.
I want him to be able to go out once in a while just like I do.
I wanna move forward but there is a tiny step stopping me.

You can be lonely in a crowd if you don't feel connected to the other people.

What does he say when you talk about This?

I feel connected to him but I can't stand any lies he tells me even if it's the tiniest lie.
He tells me I am all he needs and he is not interested in any other women etc.
But I don't know if I believe or trust him.
One half of me does the other half doesn't trust him.
I want to get over this but I don't know if I ever will be able to.