Affairs- a different perspective

[WiseOldBird]

I thought this was an interesting talk on affairs. .

It just provides a different perspective.

God Esther Perel is attractive, I think totally misses point

Very Interesting @WiseOldBird

That was fascinating!

Amazing - I love her voice

That was 20 minutes very well spent. She's fascinating.

Her book is great! very interesting insight into fidelity and modern approach to monogamy

Very interesting to watch.

Really interesting.

I love Esther Perel. Her ideas are a much-needed prompt to approach the idea of affairs more creatively, i.e. that they are not reducible to homogenous black/white situations, and that each one is composed of individuals, and individual choices and situations.

Of course, her ideas can be rather unpopular, as well, because they are threatening to the "LTB" status quo that tends to drown out any other points of view.

Although she has an interesting point of view. It is a very small minority that would ever be able to save a marriage after an affair.
Alot go on to have more affairs and the betrayed will always have some form of trust issues afterwards. I don't think that's healthy.
Then you have the abusive partners who do it just because they can. Like the PP poster has said. It's not all black and white, from all perspectives.
Either way I still stand on the fact I will always leave if I've been betrayed.

The aspect on stating being the modern shame is so true.

In RL, with the affairs that I know to have come out in the open, there is a real sense that people who have stayed have let the side down by not being strong enough to leave.

Staying not stating!

Watched the video, read the book. Tried to be generous spirited whilst building myself up and showing what he was risking.
Basically just allowed him to not have to face reality and continue to enjoy himself.
And while I was going out more and making my self more independent I know feel like I was not being true to me and was trying to be the out going person I'm not so feel exhausted not just by the ongoing betrayal but also by the false me my messed up headand adrenaline was working on.

The tricky thing is the modern shame. If a friend was cheated on and chose to stay, I'm not sure how I'd offer support. Because I struggle to get how someone would tolerate that? In my mind it's the same as supporting a friend in an abusive relationship yet I appreciate that it is different.

I'd feel so sad for my friend and would be trying to bolster their self-esteem. Which is probably patronising but while I have dealt with a lot from DH, if he'd cheated he could have fucked right off.

I’ve never had an issue in understanding the motives behind affairs- how it isn’t all about the betrayed partner and how people want to fulfill needs which one person can never meet. It’s the deception and hypocrisy that destroys the relationship- gaslighting and deceit which ruins trust, far more than susceptibility to temptation.

@Dadaist I agree! One person cannot ever be EVERYTHING you need, it's the lying... how do you get past that? Once the trust has it's gone, it's gone.

chippy I agree, she’s beautiful!

This talk really helped me turn a corner two years ago

Actually, Dadaist I agree with you too.

Thing is, we're all deceptive. We might not be deceptive in the same ways, but we find that we do things that we either condemn in others, or never thought we'd be capable of. I'm going to say that this is true without exception, whether we commit a major transgression or a minor indiscretion.

So if we're all capable of deception, in spite of the best (and, yes, worst) of intentions, then where does it leave us? What are our options?

If anything, Esther Perel has opened my mind up to the complexity of it all, and there are no tried and trusted solutions. Perhaps what this realisation has done for me personally is to introduce a little wiggle room - a little curiosity - into the equation. Perhaps in that moment I can step into my partner's shoes for a moment and see things from their perspective. Perhaps this doesn't solve what we're facing, but it brings more humanity to a situation where there is already enough pain without heaping outright alienation on to it as well.

A family I know, with a severely disabled son, were rocked by his affair. They are still together 7 years on.

One of the things she said at the time was that one part of her was also his best friend and felt she couldn't deny him that wonderful feeling of failing in love again. At the time I found it incredibly ego free and magnaminous but it the long term, they came back together and it worked out for them.

I agree affairs aren't black and white and nor are they just about sex, often the cheater has 'fallen in love' emotional connection etc. I don't think that makes lots of relationships worth 'saving' though - often once someone is at the affair stage they will do it again and again and the trust is gone.

If you like the talk she did here (above) her podcast series called Where Shall We Begin May be of interest

It's recorded couples counselling-so beautiful, frustrating, painful listening and very relatable for many different relationship situations

EVERY.SINGLE.THING she said resonated with me deeply. I'm 3 weeks into finding out about my husband's affair (well one off with further inappropriate communications for months after) which happened 6 years ago.

Things are absolutely not black and white and she put it so eloquently and accurately it's really helped me gain some perspective on our current situation.

I am glad this was thought provoking. Fistful, it was as you say meant to offer an alternative to LTB. Is the Delores related to Cannon?

Esther is in the Observer magazine today.
Not read it yet .

I like some her stuff BUT she in her book only a a very small bit (maybe a couple of pages max) was about relationships that started as affairs. I thought given her reputation of being non judgemental she would give more insight about those. But she only talked about two "cases". That book is great is you're thinking of fixing your relationship but I don't think it helps to understand affairs when the other the spouses chooses to leave for the other person.