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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Psychopath Son in Law

16 replies

Farmhouse · 27/09/2018 12:34

My daughter's fiancee gives me great cause for concern. He seems to control her. He lets her pay for everything even thought she has a mortgage and now only has temp work. He claims he can help pay the Mortgage with his student loan.
He didn't work all Summer ; various excuses.
He has gaslighted my wife.
His own mother treats him as the golden boy who is perfect, he is far from it.

My daughter gets very defensive of him if issues are raised.
He 'love-bombs' her and she just thinks he's being supportive.
He has grandiose schemes which have no chance of being fulfilled.
I'm not sure what to do now?
I feel he displays a lot of psychopathy but don't feel she is in danger.
Does anyone else recognise this description?

OP posts:
Snowymountainsalways · 27/09/2018 12:38

It doesn't much matter how you label him, you clearly do not approve of her choice. However as grown woman I think she is perfectly capable of making up her own mind. If you are genuinely worried for her future then raise it gently and privately sharing your concerns, and reassure her you are there always to talk to and you feel you need to raise this with her because you care.

Be wary of getting too involved. You could be cast as the ogre in all of this.

Our children in the end have to make their own mistakes, it is life as unpleasant as it is to watch. She will be okay.

Bombardier25966 · 27/09/2018 12:45

It reads like you've read a check list for abuse and picked out a few terms to fit your point. You'd be better to tell us what he has actually done.

dragonflyflew · 27/09/2018 12:56

He sounds like my brother in law. Sadly I rose to him and now I'm not allowed contact with my sister or her kids. My children have been affected by this and none of us have seen her new baby. I don't regret standing up to him as he's a complete arsehole but I'm devastated to have lost my sister , nephews and new niece.
We had a horrible childhood and already have a brother estranged from all of us. Two of us sisters left in contact with each other and I have to tread very carefully with the remaining one as she's a very tricky character but I don't want to lose anymore family members!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2018 13:36

I think you are right to be concerned. What has your wife said about your DDs fiance. If your DD is as defensive as you say she is, there is not much you can do except keep your counsel and maintain lines of communication. Do not allow yourselves to be cut off from her. She won't likely be ok ultimately; she could be spat out and destroyed from the inside out by him emotionally.

You may want to read this article:- www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Read also about narcissistic personality disorder and the idolise, devalue, discard cycle of abuse.

Original poster
Farmhouse · 27/09/2018 16:42

My wife and I completely agree. We have to be do careful not to alienate our daughter. Her Fiancée claims he can buy a car, pay for a holiday and help pay for the mortgage on holiday s student loan. He picks up his phone and blatantly stays on it as he seems bored with our company. However, when it’s an event involving his family he never picks it up. He claims he has various mental health issues which we feel is a ‘ Get out of Jail Free’ card for him. We welcomed him but the more we get to know him, the more worried we become.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmhouse · 27/09/2018 16:43

Bombardier, I certainly haven’t done this I assure you.

OP posts:
subduedjoy · 07/12/2018 06:40

@Farmhouse. Yes, I do recognize the description. You have just described my son-in-law. The only advice I have is to express your concerns to your daughter and don't take it personally if your daughter breaks off all ties with you. We can't control other people. We can control only ourselves.

5amWakeUo · 07/12/2018 06:52

How long have they been going out? You've pretty much described my boyf at uni. My parents bit their tongues but boy did they move fast to get me out when I ended it Grin. For me, it was all the big promises (holidays, new business he was going to start etc) that never came to fruition that did it - he didn't even take a first step to make anything happen. That and he raised his hand to me, which I'd been conditioned by my parents to have zero tolerance for.

DaphneduM · 07/12/2018 13:20

This must be so worrying for you. Please, please tread extremely carefully here. One wrong move and you run the risk of alienating your daughter. If you look on the Gransnet forum you will see many cases of exactly that happening, with manipulative son or daughter in laws. Our daughter dated some very unsuitable people, we held our tongue and finally she matured and married a lovely man. I would suggest you keep your own counsel for now, be there for her, and see how it all works out. Have they made definite wedding plans yet? Obviously that will ratchet up your concerns. So sorry, it's very worrying for you.

Renarde1975 · 08/12/2018 15:21

Oh yes, definitely a sufferer from NPD, though he's not aware of this therefore he's not a psychopath.

This is one who falls into the 'victim' cadre as he's a sponger.

Is he violent OP Whats his general demeanour? Mild mannered, arrogant, does he snap easily?

subduedjoy · 10/12/2018 03:47

The reason I stated above that you should express your concerns now to your daughter is that things will probably get worse over time if you don't because your daughter's fiancee will probably manipulate your daughter to stay away from her family even if you don't express your concerns.

Extrastout · 10/12/2018 03:56

This all sounds a little bit frantic. So he doesn't work, has dreams and ideas and love-bombs her.
I'm not sure what you're seeing here that suggests psychopath?

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/12/2018 04:22

@Farmhouse

Sounds more like a narcissist than a psychopath for your description. Not to say he isn’t as I know psychopaths aren’t all dangerous. Someone married into my family definitely has psychopathic tendencies. The things she says and the way she can be makes my blood run cold. When she’s talking about something she’s not happy about, it’s like she’s pulling the legs off spiders. She can also be incredibly charming.

I know this thread is a few months old. Idk if you will look at it again. Will you tell us more about him?

Borelis · 10/12/2018 20:51

Sounds more like narcissism than psychopathy potentially..

It's a tricky situation as the more you oppose him, the closer she'll bond with him (shared annoyance/hate at someone else always brings together people quite well). Guess you'll have to wait it out and buy indifferent to it perhaps... easier said than done though.

HollowTalk · 10/12/2018 20:55

It's a really horrible situation. What I would do, on a practical basis, is set up a running-away-from-home fund for her. I wouldn't tell her but I'd be ready for when she wanted to leave. She will, one day.

Obviously it would be better if she didn't marry him (I wouldn't contribute towards the wedding) and didn't have children, but the fact is that if you say something about those things, she'll probably tell him.

Vivaldi1678 · 11/12/2018 05:20

Yes, sounds exactly like my friend's son in law. All you can do is tread carefully and be there for her when she needs you. How old is your daughter?

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