Planned 2nd pregnancy, partner left

[Charchar2]

I don't really have anyone I can't talk to about this and I just need advice because I'm an emotional wreck.

I'm 12 weeks pregnant and have a 4 year old. A year ago we moved in with my parents to save enough for a house deposit, in June my partner said he would really like our daughter to have a sibling. He couldn't wait to marry me one day, have our dream house and felt another baby would be the perfect end.
Well he then had a 12 weeks away (back weekends) training with work, 2nd weekend he knew I was ovulating so we decided it was perfect timing. A house we loved had just accepted our offer too.
Now the next 10 weeks of him being away were awful for me, summer holidays with a bored child and I was having a lot of morning sickness and was extremely tired. He rarely called or bothered with us, he went out each night and just had a good time. I was pissed off about it but thought hey it's only 10 weeks. On the weekends it was a battle to get him to do anything with us as a family he always said it was his time and he needed a break from a hard week.
The end of training came and on the first night back he said he was bored so went out all night to a mates and came back the next day. Then he went in to some speech about how he didn't really think family life was for him and he realised who he was while away and was not stressed at all. We've had a couple of weeks of ups and downs and today I just said look what are we doing about the house because the estate agents have been on my back. He just came out with I don't know, I'm not in the right headspace to be dealing with it.
The same with my booking in appointment, tlhe didn't come, and said he just wasn't going to be thinking about the baby because he doesn't want that life.
I've told him I've had enough of this, I'm a stay at home mum, so he can have his dream career that is totally inflexible. Before deciding to have another baby I had a perfect job offer come through and would have got perfectly in with my daughter starting school and me getting a bit of my life back. He kicked up a fuss about it and we chose to have another baby and me put it off for another 2 years.
Now he's decided he's going, and doesn't want to be a family and have the family life because he hates it. I mentioned before when it was under 9 weeks that if this is not what he wanted then I would get an abortion, so I could have my career and not be left alone with 2 kids. He insisted we keep the baby, and now he's done this and still saying it would make him feel too guilty to abort, yet he's happy to have nothing to do with either of them.
I've never felt so broken and lost, I don't know what to do. I now have no job, am 12 weeks pregnant, have a 4 year old and am living at my parents and have no source of income.
Any advice on what the hell I do now or just anything to make me feel slightly better would do wonders right now. I need a plan.

You poor thing. What a horrible situation. You have to decide whether you are prepared to go it alone, and to see eyes wide open what that would look like to you.

I made a bad call with a friend who found herself accidentally pregnant with 3rd child at the age of 41. Shame on me I encouraged her to look at it positively, saying what wonderful news and all that. She had the baby and it ruined her life. I swore to myself if ever anyone else came to me with the same dilemma, I would ask: How do YOU feel about it.

Your life, your body, your choice. And by the way, your partner sounds like an absolute arsehole. What a shitty way to behave.

Good luck and sending hugs.

I feel there's pros and cons to both options.
Either I keep the baby and have to live on benefits which I don't know what and how I sort out, know that he'll be out there having his great life moving on whilst my body will go to sh*t and I'll have to do everything on my own.

Or I abort and I suddenly have to find a job pronto, which will be extremely hard where we live, especially one to fit around school and my uni work. And I would have to feel this constant guilt, people know I'm pregnant, I have no idea how I'd even tell them
😒😒😒

Oh you poor thing, he has behaved like the most selfish bastard possible!!!

What shitbag.

If you decide to abort (and that is for you alone to decide, don't let him pressure you) you don't have to tell people, just say you lost the baby.

Suggest counselling to help you decide?

If you abort, you don't have to tell anyone anything. People lose pregnancies all the time - just say you had a miscarriage.

My friend told people she had miscarriages when in fact she had had an abortion.

What an arsehole. I'm so sorry op and wish you all the best.

Oh you are in an terrible situation. I dont think many people would judge you if you did decide to abort but in RL I would tell people I lost the baby from stress to save all the questions.

However, it is YOUR choice. How is your mental health? do you think you could cope with a baby?

What a prize dick he is.

I feel for you. Have you got a supportive friend who you could talk to about it?

It's definitely your body your choice. He most certainly does not get a say in it.

omg what a terrible story. You DH sounds like a selfish, uncaring, thoughtless cunt....pardon my french. The cheek of him saying he wants you to keep the baby but also doesn't want to look after his kids.

You tell people that you had a scan and there was no heartbeat.

Tbh you could even tell him that. You could tell your parents that. Nobody ever needs to know.

Hi OP,

Sending you a hug.

He is a nasty man to have done that! It may not feel like it at the moment but you will come back from this. Firstly, as others have said do you want this baby and are prepared to be a single mother?

If you do abort. Don't worry about having to get a job straight away just try and heal yourself. I am a recruiter now and would recommend why you are ready to approach the company you turned down and tell them you are available for any future opportunities.

Take your time and good luck

OP - make a decision based on what you can take on. On your own.

And please - teach your daughter not to end up in your position.
These posts pop up weekly. Women who have kids before they and their men are mature and financially secure.
And, more over, having children
and give up careers w/o financial protection of a marriage and then It all goes boom.

It’s unlikely your bf was ready and mature before and changed like that over time. He is not ready, and he never was.

You don’t tell people you had an abortion. You say you miscarried. You aren’t even obligated to tell him. He’s done this so you now make your mind up what suits you. Stop getting his opinion. Work out what you want. He’s unreliable and a liar. He made you turn down your perfect job! He wants you trapped with no life while he gets to go out shagging around and out all night!! What a prick

Hi OP you do not need to live off benefits just because you are a single mum. Do not entertain the fantasy you thought you had with your twat of an ex, but you are a wonderful mum, and are worth so much more than this.

A baby is always a blessing, but its got to be right for you.

What a cunt.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. You have to do whatever will give you and your family the best chance of happiness.

If that would mean not having the baby and continuing with a career you might love that will give you a solid future then you should feel no guilt.

Equally, if the baby is wanted (by you) and you want to carry on you’ll be able to make it work. How supportive are your family?

Personally I’d not have the baby but that might not be the right choice for you and that’s fine.

I just had my second baby with a similar gap - I’d be utterly destroyed if my husband did this to me. And furious.

He sounds controlling. Insisting you get pregnant instead of accepting a perfect job offer that would have given you some power and control over your own life. Keeping you dancing on a string, refusing to pull his weight, treating you badly... It's abusive.

You are clearly employable if you had a job offer. So it can happen again. They may even be interested in you if they had another job come up.

So if there are no options right now that feel like "good" options, which of the two is less shit in the long run? A year from now what will your life look like? 5 years? Which of those futures feels the least bad - or best, if that's how they start to look when you get further forward from today?

I have a sense from your posts of what the answer to that may be for you, but only you can decide how you feel about each. And it's nobody else's business what decisions you make - it's your life and you're the one who's having to live it.

Also: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You can't change the fact he's screwed you over, but you can make sure you understand what he was doing so it never happens again. Give yourself some power back.

Sorey for the late reply, I had an urgent 12 week scan at 2! Not that it helped, I've never left so confused. We were financially secure, just with him switching jobs we weren't able to apply for the mortgage and my parents offered to have us stay with them instead of paying a fortune in rent. I'm fortunate in that whilst we saved the deposit together, I still have everything I saved in my bank.
My career is where I'm really struggling to come to a decision, my time with uni is nearly up and I've worked extremely hard for my law degree. It's a hard career to get into when you have children and childcare to fit around. I just feel like this was a plan to trap me just as I started to get my life back, I don't have friends or a social life.
I feel like I've been waiting the 4 years for her to start school for my big break, and I was happy to postpone that for our family, the house and his career. But now he's dropped this bombshell my mind has take a u turn.
I can't keep living with my parents, especially if I do keep the baby, as lovely as they are I need my space. And from helping a friend out trying to rent somewhere without a job was a massive issue and she has ended up being put up by the council in b&bs.

And then today I saw that harmless little baby, stretching around, waving it's arms in the air and I forgot about everything going on for a moment. I felt like I was in a happy little bubble, then came out and just the realisation hit me and I sat there crying for an hour.

I honestly don't think I'll be happy with either option right now!

If you are unsure, perhaps contact whoever provides terminations in your CCG/area and ask for some counselling. You will be entitled to some for free before and after (if you do have a termination), and you can usually do it via telephone if it's more convenient.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

I had an abortion at 12 weeks because the pregnancy and situation wasn’t right for me. I didn’t tell anyone and I’ve never regretted it. Abortion is a medical procedure, it’s not a moral failing.

You have permission to do whatever you decide that’s right for you and your daughter.

In your position I would have an abortion. I was pregnant in my second year at uni with a long term bf but considered it totally the wrong timing.
I never told a soul. Just went and arranged it all and stoically went ahead. I have never regretted it.
You can say it was a miscarriage to anyone who knows.
It would have ruined my life. This looks like it could ruin yours. Think about yourself. Your ex sounds awful.

I'd have a termination. Sorry. But you need to put your existing child first and your financial security.

So sorry you're going through this OP. Has he moved out now or still coming at weekends? Tell him to eff off and enjoy his single life and he can explain to his dd when she's older that he traded in a life with her to be single again. I agree with pp that he is controlling you.

If he moves out you can at least think about what to do with a clear head.

What an absolute wanker!!!!

I don't even know what to suggest. What an arsehole!!! I'm so outraged, I'd be inclined to phone is parents or his best mates to knock some sense into him!!!

Take him for every penny he has got. Rinse the bastard!

Fucking prick!