Feeling guilty for trying to live my own life

[Iamalwaysyoursbutnevermyown]

Here it is, I don't ever share, especially not with people I don't know but I need help, desperately. I have been married 30 years to a man I love with all my heart,he is a gentleman, a wonderful provider and a fantastic father. Our kids are now grown and we as parents share a very close relationship with them. The last three years for me though have been hell, I lost my job due to bullying and it has broken me. I have been battling severe depression, PTSD, sever anxiety and I am always in my house, curtains closed to keep the outside world away. I rarely leave except if I am forced to - like to get food or go to my mental health providers. This has tested my marriage like never before, we had plans that can no longer happen because of my mental health. My husband works really hard and I feel guilty,like I am not contributing anymore. I have money saved and I still pay for a lot of stuff but he works and I feel bad because I don't. I want to but I can't, I trust no one anymore and I am afraid. I don't sleep, I have gained so much weight and I literally hate myself right now. I need to get well, I need to try and repair the rift in my marriage. My husband just wants me to "get over it", move on. But I can't, I am consumed by the need to stop these people hurting anyone else and I cannot let it go. I have given myself 100 percent to my family, my job,my friends, my acquaintances, everyone I meet I try to be friendly,kind,nice,helpful, respectful, caring and it gets me bloody nowhere. People use people and I am not like that, it just is not in my nature. Anyway I have been offered by a friend the opportunity to leave and go overseas for 6 weeks but the guilt I feel of leaving my husband for that long (he refuses to even think about coming with me) or my family is overwhelming. They rely on me so much, but that reliance and the depression and my total break down of my mental health has crushed me. Do I dare go and try and get myself well away from everything here or do I stay and do the right thing by my husband and my family by continuing to be there for them, even though I am not even there for myself. I don't know what to do, I am torn between loyalty and the need to "live" again, break free from this darkness that consumes me everyday. Will the break be good for our marriage? Will it even help my mental health? I am so bloody confused. I just want everyone to be happy. Help me PLEASE. :(

I feel a lot of empathy with you as have been in similar situation for many years.

You do need time and space to yourself, it isn't unreasonable to want that and in your position I would go away for a while but does it have to be overseas? A cottage somewhere in a pleasant, rural and/or coastal setting but not too far from shops might be a better idea.

Go. If you think it will help. Go.

Yes, 1000 times over, I would go. Your children and husband are all adults, and can look after themselves. The break might he exactly what helps you turn a corner. I am so sorry you have been through what you have been through.

Overseas sounds great. I have just been through a horrible divorce, and am grief stricken by not only that but also the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my husband - and continue to suffer, to an extent. During the summer I went abroad, and it has been the only time that I have felt more like me - far away from and untouchable by all the issues. It was lovely.

So I recommend it as a possible springboard to feeling better. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain, and your loved ones should IMO understand that you are doing this in order to try to heal, and they should be supportive.

You matter as much as all the people you help every day .

I think you need to face your demons at home before you run away to avoid the issues that's tearing you apart.

Go. You'll never know if it will help you until you do, and you will always wonder if it would have helped you if you don't. Testing yourself in new surroundings sounds like a wonderful opportunity.

If your DH and family care about you, they'll understand your need to get away and regroup yourself. And it's only for 6 weeks. Oh, and your 'D' H needs to shut the fuck up about 'just get over it'. He'd be singing a different tune if it had happened to him!

My sympathies about what happened. I, too, was bullied at work (by a manager). I managed to withstand it, triumph over her, and the bully was eventually transferred due to her behaviour. But it still absolutely changed who I am. Before I was confident and unafraid to make decisions. Now I second guess myself and worry about 'doing it wrong' when I start something.

I retired a few years later after (overall) a very successful career. Once she was gone, things improved dramatically in the workplace, not just for me but for the many others she also bullied. I'm normally a pretty forgiving person and not given to grudges, but to this day, if the person who bullied me was laying in the middle of the street in flames, I wouldn't piss on her to put her out.

Oh op first of all Do not feel guilty. You need this. Your husband seems to be a good man and should be understanding how important this is for you. Your children are adults. You have given your 100% to everything and evryone around you and now you need space. Please dont feel hesitant on the bases of hurting your family or feeling guilty. Explain to them you need this to help you. Sometimes we all need time away to ourselves and frim your post it seems you are desperatley in need. I hope you find the strength to get through this difficult time in your life.

My dh suffers from depression/ anxiety which is only a recent thing. Prior to that, like you, he worked hard, provided very well for us . Now he can't work. He just can't. I have no problem being the provider. If you had another illness eg MS and couldn't work you wouldn't beat yourself up so much. Please take that stress off yourself at least. I'm sure with dc grown up ye don't need so much income anyway..we don't .
Now to the trip abroad. What has your dh said? If there was no dc to mind l would be happy for my dh to go even if l thought it would help him a tiny bit.
I presume you have had counselling. And applied for some kind of disability payment?
Another thing..unforgiveness is like drinking the poison hoping the other person will die. If you don't forgive those who hurt you you will poison yourself. They don't deserve it but its you that is suffering not them. Could you work on that while abroad. I hope you do go.

While I appreciate you’ve not had an easy time lately, nor has your husband. In his shoes, it could be frustrating that you’ve become reclusive to the point that it impacts your life together significantly, yet you’re somehow still up for a lengthy overseas trip. I know I’m only getting a small part of the picture, but I imagine he could feel like he’s bearing all the negative effects of your issues but isn’t being part of any kind of recovery and relationship repair.

Why is it this trip or continuing the untenable status quo? What actions are you taking at the moment to work on your issues and improve your relationship? Could you get away for a break together and help interrupt the cycle that way?

Your children and husband need you to get well, so take the 6 week break and work on yourself

To move on you need to find peace by forgiving those who upset you

I think a break would do you good. Take a step back to try to process things to see how you can move forward. But...gently..do you think you’ll manage this trip? I have anxiety and have had depression in the past. I find going away quite tough - the fears of packing/not packing the right stuff, worrying about flying, money....you say you’re not leaving the house. How do you feel about going abroad?

I agree with pp.
if you can hardly leave the house / how are you going to leave the country?
Seems like you given so much of yourself to others in the the past and now resent that.
Fair enough but people have their own stuff going on.
I give cos I want to.
Don't expect anything back.
Maybe just focus on giving to the special few.
Also if you're a giving person empty nest syndrome is hard.
It's so lovely to look after a family.

And then they are gone.
Get plenty on sleep
Drink plenty of water.
Eat healthy food.
And try and get out for a walk in the fresh air as much as you can.
See how you feel after a week of doing that ?
And keep reminding yourself that you come first.

I think the opposite to nightwatch to be honest - I think going away for a while might give u the confidence to face your demons once you're back. just make an effort to step outside your comfort zone when you're away - where nobody knows anything about u and it's a new beginning. Definitely go!

Go it will clear your head

You need to heal yourself- you are worth it, and if this trip is what it takes, then please do go.
Is there anything else, though, that you think would be more beneficial to your recovery?

So your DH is an adult.
Your DC are adults.
Why do they rely on you so much?
That is not OK and will not be helping your MH at all.
Go. It's 6 weeks of your life to get your head a big straighter.
You can find a millions reasons NOT to go but you need this.
Take the opportunity.
Life is short and shit can happen, as you have found out.
So do it!

Yes do it. You will regret it bitterly if you don't go for it.

As for the guilt of leaving them to fend for themselves, perhaps think of it as giving them a break from your depression and of it as letting them see that even when deeply depressed you were still doing a hell of a lot to lubricate their lives.

Do it.

Okay so flipping this on its head it will not only give you a break but it will also give him a break. Suspect the last 3 years have been hell for both of you so maybe some time apart to miss each other might be a really good thing.

I think the guilt about other people relying on you is actually your brain trying to get out of making a change because it is out of your comfort zone. They will actually be fine without you, which might be a little bit scary for you in itself?

You should go and have some time to heal and work on yourself.

You can’t keep doing the same thing and expect different results each time.

Maybe this is what you need, a complete change!

We are just not programmed to adapt to changes particularly well, the feelings/thoughts you have are completely normal but don’t let them be an excuse! You’re getting by at the moment, but you’re not living.

Go for it! You can always come home before the 6 months is up, but at least you would have given it a try.

I think your DH isn't being very supportive actually, and getting away from that might be just what you need.

And as for your adult family needing you, you need them to understand where you're at and support the things you need to do to get better.

If you think these 6 weeks away will help you have to go. If you don't you'll be able to add seething resentment to your list of woes.

I hope it all works out for you.

6 weeks is nothing if you manage to return a more whole person. No brainer tbh. A different environment might give you a different perspective and it might accelerate your healing too. If you haven't done so yet, it might be worth looking into Trauma Therapy, in particular EMDR? It was very helpful for me.

Hi IAmAlways did you decide what to do? Hope you are well