How to prepare for separation that involves moving countries with my children

[sambababy]

I think I have to leave my husband. We've been together a long time and for the last 6 years we've lived in his home country, where we had our 2 DC. I want to be prepared before I make the decision, but the first thing I would do is move back to the UK, and obviously would want to take my children. I HOPE he won't block that, but it's possible. I hope he wouldn't take me to court over that, I would rather stay in the lie of a marriage than lose my children.

I've been trying to read up on what to do to prepare, but I'm wondering if anyone has been through this with the move in countries as well? For example, setting up my own separate bank account - I can't do that from here, can I? Same with a credit card. I don't have any of my own money, most things are in his name except a joint house we let in the uk.

What paperwork, documents, evidence do I need? Can I take photos of statements etc? I don't know if I can even access half of his accounts.

If I land in the uk with nothing, what do I do? I gave up a decent job to move here and have been a SAHM for the last 4 years. I think I'd be naive to think that he would help me even though he has plenty of money.

I would check the reunite website to confirm what your rights are in terms of removing your children.

In terms of bank accounts when you get back to the UK, I think you'll need to go into the bank in person with ID and proof of address. I've made a point of keeping my UK account open and paying into it since I've lived abroad since it seems very tough to open them nowadays. The moving back to the uk forum on the British expats forum is very helpful.

Hi OP, what country are you currently in? That will make a big difference on how easy it may be to leave and what you are able to do before you leave. You DC will be classed as residents of the country and if it is a Hauge country you will probably not be able to remove them without their father’s permission. How old are they?

I would probably seek legal advice where you are if possible to determine where you stand. I would start getting copies of all bank accounts and other important documents, including birth certificates, marriage certificate, passports, basically everything.

If you are able to return, would you have family to stay with while you get set up? Do you have a career you would be able to go back to or do you need to retrain? Can you start doing something where you currently are? Even just volunteer work to give you some recent experience and a professional reference to help with job searching?

It’s a very hard situation to be in and you need to find out as much as you possibly can before you make any decisions as you are in an extremely vulnerable situation.

The two DC have been born in that other country? You’ll find it difficult to move them without his permission (a UK court generally won’t allow it, in a reverse) and why would he want to give it?

Unless he’s so wealthy that he could routinely travel to the UK to see his kids, he’s effectively going to be consigned to an “in-the-holidays” relationship. Would YOU want that?

Why should you be allowed to pull the children out of their country of birth where, presumably, they have friends and paternal relatives, just because you feel the marriage isn’t working for you... is it impossible for you to find work in that country and live there until the DC are older and able to have a say in what should happen?

VimFuego101 thanks I'll check out that website and the expats forum

Bugger Ive forgotten how to tag people.

Coffeeandrainbows DC are 2 & 4. I have family I could stay with in the uk temporarily, my children have spent lots of time there too and know my family well. That's good advice about having something recent for my cv. And trying to figure things out properly before I do anything.

Changedname3456 it's interesting to have questions from that point of view, so thank you. Obviously I'd never want to nor accept to only see my children a couple of times a year, and I would absolutely hate for that to be the case with my husband either. It is one of the few reasons I haven't already made the decision to end the marriage. He is a great father.

Our move here was always temporary. Before things blew up in our marriage, we had another 1.5 years left before we moved back to the uk. Part of the reason for that was because I've been homesick and lonely here and the other part is that this country is in a complete mess, the violence and political situation are growing ever worse. We decided together that it would be better for our children to live in the uk, both for education and opportunities, and also safety.

However I'd say it's far from a case of "the marriage not working out for me". He's led a double-life for 15 years. Do you think in that situation it should be me that makes all the sacrifice?