Emotional abuse

[Noone123]

I emotionally abused my dh for years. He would answer back and we'd invariably get into huge arguments. I've told him to leave several times in the heat of the argument but I never hoped he'd actually think about it. Our relationship wasn't always shitty. We've had some really fun times but he told me that he was forever walking on eggshells so as he wouldn't make me mad. After reading up on emotional abuse I am definitely an abuser. I feel so sad and disgusted with myself. He in turn told me that he "connected" with a coworker a few weeks ago. She listened when he needed to air his woes. He has told her how our marriage is as she has admitted to liking him and he is flattered I'm assuming. I don't know how far they've gone. He has told me it has only been conversations. I believe him.
He has now shutdown and doesn't know if he loves me anymore. He said he wants to stay a few weeks and see if anything restirs in his brain. He tells me that he loves me but I am seeing him being distant. He is going out a lot with his workmates. I have asked him to be completely honest with me as regards this other girl and so far I believe he is. They work very closely which I know doesn't bode well. But he has told me that he needs to be careful with her as she has been messed up by a previous boyfriend and doesn't want to mess up her career. He has always cared about helping the less fortunate in life for as long as I've been with him.
I love him so much and tell him everyday. I am at the moment trying to rewire my brain to a more normal state. I know this will take time but I am so scared to lose this man. Does anyone have any similar stories for me and what were the outcomes? Any advice would be so much appreciated.

Anyone? Feeling so low right now.

I'm sorry you feel so low. So there is still a chance things can work out.

Have you considered counselling? It might be good to talk through why you deal with things the way you do. Perhaps your childhood has something to do with it

You can't blame him for wanting out. No one should put up with abuse, but you clearly are ready to look at yourself and change. That takes guts.

This may help

www.google.ie/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201004/are-you-emotionally-abusive%3famp

Thank you. Yes he is willing to try and work it out but he is so upset understandably. He has feelings for his coworker which has devastated me. She is 16 years younger than him and is very attractive so it's very difficult knowing that he would almost rather be with her. He is out again tonight. Was out lastnight also and last Friday. I haven't really seen him properly since Monday as he is gone from 7am til the early morning. I love this man but fear I am losing or have lost him.

All you can do is be honest with him. Communicate what you have said here. It may be that it's over, he may also be very relieved you are owning your behaviour and want to stop treating him in a way that hurts him.

You possibly got into a habit of treating him a certain way and that became your default.

What he does is ultimately out if your control, but I'd definitely be going for counselling. Firstly because I think you need to understand why you are abusive and what you can do to change this and, secondly, it shows a genuine commitment to changing for the better.

Unfortunately he doesn't agree with counselling. He maintains that a counsellor usually sides with the female. I'm not really sure they would help us. We are being very honest and communicate when we get the time. He is now still afraid of me and understandably hesitant as he doesn't know if I'll revert back to that.
Its absolutely scared me that I behaved that way towards him for years. I feel I've had an epiphany and can honestly never see myself going back to that monstrous person.

Sorry, I should have been clearer. I meant counselling for yourself, not couple counselling.

It's good you are communicating. I understand his fears. Of course he is worried that things will go back to the way they were. It's easy to say I will never be that person again . Words are cheap. Only time will show that you mean what you say.

Noone123 all you can do is apologise, say you now recognise your behaviour and are willing to try and change it most likely done by counselling
There is a reason you emotionally abuse you have to find that reason to be able to correct it

Love can be killed by constant emotional abuse, I really hope it's not to late for your relationship

Emotional abuse erodes a person's self worth and they feel unloved, this co worker is filling that gap

Apologise, recognise, and change things. You may have a chance of getting dh back

Thanks again. I really hope I do. He is taking a wait and see approach right now. Its just so hard not knowing. We have two kids 12 and 10. They would be absolutely gutted if their dad left. It is so hard feeling his coldness towards me. I haven't slept or eaten properly since it happened. I just don't have any zeal for anything right now. All I want to do is kiss and hug my dh at every moment and nothing else.