Rant Alert

[Fonzie]

I just wondered if I was in the wrong here. Any advice gratefully accepted. I'm a SAHM and for the most part wouldn't change things for the world but I'm beginning to think that DH is staking me forgranted. Since before DS arrived, I've always looked after the house and cooked. It didn't bother me before as we both worked in stressful jobs so we tended to spend lots of time away, meals out etc. Now though, since DS arrived 23 months ago, it seems to me that DH very much feels that the is the breadwinner and therefore shouldn't have to do anything at all when he gets in. He's always the first to remind me that some other Mums would love to be in the position that I'm in ie SAHM, but I'm just getting fed up of the lack of support where DS is concerned. It's almost as though he expects me to do everything and he pays for any outgoings. This isn't strictly true as I still earn a wee bit to myself and as a result, I pay for everything that DS and I do. Today I just cracked as DS is pushing things further and further and in the end I put him upstairs to bed just so that we could have time out. I'm feeling really low about myself in general too. I know it's not depression as I've had that before and I don't have any of the classic signs but I would just love for DH to come home once in a while with the offer of a carry out or some flowers for no reason or just something to cheer me up.

The basic problem is that they (some DHs) see you as being home all day. They don't see it as work.

Look at the cost of full time day care for your son - that's how much money you are effectively bringing into the family funds.

And not just childcare. A cleaner, a housekeeper, the lot...I am so sorry. No wonder you're feeling low. Hugs.

IME leaving dh on his own with the children for a few hours is all the reminder he needs that being a SAHM isn't an easy life. Any chance you could arrange a day out while leaving ds with your dh?

I agree with Coppertop - leave him on his own with DS for a while and he will soon realise how tiring and stressful it can be. When I went back to part-time work after maternity leave my DH worked four long days a week so as he could have one day off with our twin DDs (then aged 10 months) to save on childcare fees. I think he thought it would be a bit of a doddle and he was stunned by how hard it all was.

Thanks for the advice. Only problem is that they so rarely spend any one on one time that DS is the perfect angel! Also, DH doesn't do anything else other than look after him. I'm probably doing myself a massive dis-favour (not sure if that word exists) but I even go so far as leaving food ready for DS so that DH doesn't have to bother. It's more bother not to as I end up coming back from my time off to a bombsite and all the relaxing goes out the window in a few seconds.

Your dh needs to understand that although he is working full-time, you are on call 24-hours a day with a small child. That works out at 168 hours a week as opposed to his 40 or so. Obviously you don't work every minute of those 168 hours, but you have to be available for all of them because your ds could wake or need you at any moment. This is on top of the responsibility for running the home, shopping, cooking and laundering for 3 people, and all the other housework and organisational tasks that go with it.

While he is working, he gets journey time to arrange his thoughts, and a lunch break to relax, meet friends, or attend to any personal matters. You don't have these luxuries. If you want to get your hair done, try on clothes, go to the gym or get a cervical smear you have to have someone mind your ds. The only time it lets up is when ds is asleep, and even then you are tied to the house. I expect you spend most of this time catching up on jobs you can't do when he's awake. If you do sit and watch tv etc it only reinforces the myth that that's what women do all day when in reality you should be able to snatch a break if you want, just like people with outside jobs do.

Your dh needs to understand that you need his help in order to remain the kind of woman he fell in love with in the first place. When you turn into a resentful, unfit, ungroomed, boring frump because you have no opportunity for personal time he will be asking why you have let yourself go! Explain that if he wants the fit and healthy, well-dressed, well-groomed, fulfilled, happy wife he fell in love with to exist in a few months time he will need to give you some personal time.

And as well as this, you need that bunch of flowers or take-away as a little boost to your feelings of worth. Small children are totally draining and are not capable of giving much back. We take what little 'job satisfaction' we can in motherhood when our children are cute and affectionate to us but would that suffice in any other job? I think not! Let alone one with no pay.

I think as well as help from dh you need regular babysitting so that the two of you can have child-free time together and possibly a few hours a week with a childminder so that you can do personal stuff like shop for clothes or get your hair done.

Remind your dh that you are not a member of staff, you are his wife and that parenting is a shared job, whether he is the main breadwinner or not.

All good replies Fonzie. My dh does this too, to a certain extent. I have a weekend away each year, which shows him how hard child-care is, and that is without even having to do any washing or cooking. He actually says that he doesn't know how I have the patience to look after ds all day.

The thing is, dh works from home, so knows our plans every day. He sees us going off for coffee and play at friends' houses, or off to activitots etc. What he forgets is that I may be chatting, but I always have one eye on ds, so it is not really relaxing!

My response to dh is as follows:

'I work 24/7, without any sick pay or paid holiday. When I DO get to go on holiday, I am still a childminder, and often end up cooking, or at least preparing a meal. Think how much it would cost to employ a cleaner, cook and nanny to replace what I do.' That usually gives him food for thought.

HOWEVER, I would like to say that dh does put ds to bed each night, unless he has to work late. He is also very good at cleaning.

Would like to add to the advice already given that many men would also be very happy to be in HIS position, as very few women would allow their partners to get away with doing nothing around the house!

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Just did a quick search on web. The following is a very conservative estimate but ...

Live in nanny £230 per week = £11960 per year
Cleaner for 2 hrs/week @ £7.50 per hour = £780
Ironing @ £10 per week = £520
Shopping delivery @ £5 per week = £260
Gardener fortnightly = £260
Cook for a year = £10,000

All adds up to £23780 per year - AT LEAST!!!

Would live to see his face if I suggested that he pays me £25,000 a year! Feeling much better by all your suggestions. It helps knowing that there are people in similar circumstances.

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I am going to ghet my dh to read this thread!

I echo the advice and sentiments already offered here. You are not alone in feeling like this. I'm a SAHM to our 9m ds. The point of my post is to share with you some of the things that have helped me.

My dh is much better now as we've got into a routine of him looking after ds on Saturdays. Sometimes for a few hours or maybe the whole day. I really look forward to it and now so does dh. When I come back he always says how knackered/stressed he is and once even suggested that he may have to lie down. ROFLMAO! So he does have a better understanding of what it's all about. I used to leave ds's food all prepared but I don't any longer. I've had to relax about it too and realise that dh may do things differently from me.

I have often felt taken for granted on the domestic front but decided to get assertive and went on ironing strike. Childish possibly but it worked as dh hates ironing and has these double cuff shirts. So one morning when he opened his wardrobe he stuttered 'where are my shirts?'. I replied they were in the ironing basket and he was damn lucky to have them washed far less ironed. I didn't give in and he had to iron his own for a couple of days. He now makes a point of acknowledging what I do.

He'll also help with dinner and bedtime routine too. It took him a long time to realise that his time outside of work was no longer purely his leisure time. We did have a few rows about it but did eventually manage to talk about it rationally so that he could understand where I was coming from and vice versa.

Another thing that's helped with my self image is trying to recapture some of my former well-groomedness (if there is such a word). I was apathetic about it for a long time and was always putting ds, dh or the house first. Then I realised that there are times when I need to put myself first. It's amazing what a decent haircut and putting some make-up on has done for my self-esteem. Sometimes I decide to sod the house/clearing up and run a bath before ds's lunchtime sleep, then once he's asleep I wallow with a magazine/face mask etc for a hour or so. Bliss. HTH

I agree with everyone else. Maybe allowing your dh to see this thread would help. There were times when I use to rant about my dp on here, and on one of them he saw what the other mumsnetters said about him, and he realised he was in the wrong and treating me with the wrong attitude. Ever since that, he's made a real difference and effort. Hopefully yours will too.