What are your own boundaries in dating?

[Sonjing]

Hi all, I am in the process of doing some work on myself after a string of painful short relationships. I have been reading a lot about boundaries, dating standards and red flags, and I have realized that I have been putting up with pretty awful treatment way too much in the past.

Now I want to learn to approach my dating life more deliberately and consciously, and hopefully put myself in a better position to find long-lasting happiness in life and love.

So I am looking for inspiration and I'd love to hear other people's perspectives on their own boundaries and standards when it comes about dating. I am not talking about the super obvious stuff (violence, cheating), but more subtle situations and behaviors that you won't put up with.

Thanks

Demand (and give) kindness and respect, I would say. Have enough self-esteem to know that, if you are treating someone with K & R, and they are not reciprocating, it's not you - it's them. And walk!

put myself in a better position to find long-lasting happiness in life and love

You will never get this from someone else. Keep working on yourself and your self esteem.

Don't listen to BS. Actions speak louder than words.

For example if they say they are paternal, then see how they act around kids. If they say they are domesticated then let them demonstrate that. If they say they are compassionate then see if they act compassionately.

A few of mine are...........
If they disrespect me
If they judge me
If they are not empathetic, compassionate, kind, sympathetic etc
If they obsess over things
If they drink excessively

And what kind of parenting they had!! Red flag habits stem from this part of their life. Habits that are difficult to break. Habits that they are not aware of.

Remember you are not their therapist.

“And what kind of parenting they had!! ”

So you date people based on what their parents are like? 🤔

Oh and if they play the victim and moan,

I agree with noego's list. And I would add:

• if they lie or misrepresent your words or actions
• if they expect you to understand their issues or feelings but don't respect yours
• if they don't take an interest in how you are
• if they don't listen
• if they resent time spent with your friends or children or family
• if they are over protective, jealous or smothering and want to control you
• if they don't seem to have any friends
• if they flirt with other women in front of you
• if they are rude to waiters

I would say stick by the old adage ‘when someone shows you who they are believe the them’. I say this as we (including myself) are often guilty of thinking of excuses for early behaviour. He’s just having an off day, he’s shy, maybe he doesn’t have that much money this week, maybe he forgot and so and on and on!

• if they tease about something that they could have easily worked out would be a sore spot, especially if they don't relent

• any repetitive behaviour or words, I take to mean they're really thinking about that thing a lot.

• tight with money; I recently had a date where the combined cost of the entire date was £27. He gave me a fiver towards that. No. (I don't mind skint, but don't arrange something that costs more than you can pay half of. Plenty of things to do are free)

• stuff that makes you go..... eh?! Another date I recently had told me he had stolen a relic of something that you wouldn't want a relic of (because it was a bad event). No.

• mental health issues. It's tough and I might get flamed for it, but I don't want to take on somebody else's ill MH. They should get themself sorted out first.

• if they say or act like they want a different type of relationship than I do. I'm looking for long term. If he's looking to keep it casual, I won't expect to change his mind.

O yes and the feeling confused. If you just can’t work them out and they are taking a huge amount of head space early on it’s probably a bad sign.

@overnightangel

"Parenting" is the operative word.

SIL can show misogynistic traits now and again. Having met his DF I know why. SIL's DM however is lovely and did most of the parenting.

If you are looking for a LTR then one assumes that DC's will come along, having different thoughts on how to go about parenting can and will cause disruption to any relationship.

O yes and the feeling confused. If you just can’t work them out and they are taking a huge amount of head space early on it’s probably a bad sign.

This js a biggie for me, as I tend to end up in ambiguous and mind-fucking situations way too often with dating.

I've been where you are too Sonjing but I've been working on it and I'm getting better.

My advice is:

Know exactly what it is you are looking for in a relationship and be prepared to articulate that clearly early on

Listen really carefully to what they say

Ask loads of questions early on

Challenge them a bit & see what reaction you get

If you feel unbalanced or bit unsure with them - there is a reason for that and it is rarely a good one

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT

I had a date on Monday through someone I'd met online. He seemed nice enough BUT on the date he talked about himself a lot (red flag). Then he got something wrong - it wasn't anything significant, just a geographical location. I politely corrected him saying I thought that X place was where it was and rather than accept that I might be right, he got huffy and insisted on looking it up online and then didn't have the good grace to say I was right (two more red flags). He barely asked about me (red flag).

Quite a few of those red flags, I wouldn't have picked up before, as I would would have been impressed with his apparent ease, his chattiness, his wealth and I wouldn't have been listening properly.

Yes, good to challenge them a bit to find out how they deal with it. Also to give them a boundary and see if they respect it.

Sounds daft and I’m not into game playing as a rule but I try really really hard not to double message (ie if I end a chat not start the next one) or initiate two things in a row.

It’s not a playing hard to get strategy, rather a self-protection thing as I think you can see what’s going on more clearly when you try and keep it even as it shows you how much you’re being pursued (or not) more clearly so you can be more rational.

Or in a recent case when he was constantly messsging/initiating things then turned around and told me we weren’t a ‘thing’ it was in my mind it saved my sanity as before I would have wondered how I missed the signs and made it my problem but because of my rules around it I knew I’d been lead on

I think if you work more on yourself and what makes you happy, you’ll attract a better quality of man.

I agree with most (not all) of the above but with all guys, look at his friends, listen to how he describes his ex, how his relationship is with his children and parents and if he has a spark and is excited about you, his life and things other than himself.

Listen to your gut, especially when your heart is noisy.

My red flags:

• a guy who thinks he is ALWAYS right and does not acknowledge when he is wrong
• a guy who is too full on and tries to lovebomb you
• a guy who insists on paying for everything
• a guy who gets irritated at such insignificant things
• a guys who gets road rage

I refused to go any further with men who:

• Text too often (several times an hour over the whole evening) and then telling me off for not responding fast enough.

• Changed arrangements with me at the last minute more than once without good reason.

• Tried to get me to change arrangements I'd already made with someone else (e.g. a friend or a family member) in order to go on a date with him. I told him I was busy on that night several times but he wasn't having it.

• Would question my (at the time) vegetarianism in a way that made me feel as though I had to explain and justify myself. See also the man who waved a steak in my face and said that I was just being fussy.

A big red flag is if he seems to have a long string of exes who were all, without exception, crazy bitches. And the end of the relationship was always their fault, NEVER his. And he tells you all this on the first date.

Never admitting to being wrong, even about minor things like who was in that film you can vaguely remember watching, as you can guarantee that he will never be wrong about the big stuff either.

Men who drink heavily and try to get you to do so too by buying you drinks that you don't want.

Men who talk over you, or don't ask you anything about yourself, or do pay lip-service to seeming interested but don't really listen to what you're saying.

For the non-monogamous:
There has to be an agreement about how the sex with other people will work. Don't ask don't tell? Full disclosure? A brief mention? Or all the juicy details and pics (with consent of other party)?

Being judgmental about the others' sexual politics - red flag.

Gentle teasing is fine. EG "It took me an hour to get home tonight!" -- "Well that's what you get for driving a Smart car..."

Persistent "banter" (aka bullying) about things that are upsetting is a massive red flag.

Occasionally changing plans for dates due to unavoidable emergencies - okay.

Persistently cancelling because they're hanging out with friends instead - fuck off.

Friendly and polite to everyone they meet. Not putting up with bullshit, but respectful to wait staff, bar staff, taxi drivers etc.

Offering to pay every time, when there is a large difference in income - fine.

Offering to pay and then throwing money on the table dramatically and saying "One day maybe if you save up you'll be able to afford to treat me" - fuck off.

If you say "No I don't want to do that" and they ask "why?" - fine.

If you say "No I don't want to do that" and they say "yeah but, yes you do, because reasons" and don't let it alone, or sulk about it - fuck right off.

I always look for kindness, and the ability to connect. I think we really know when someone is hearing what we are saying or just half hearing it. If they can’t engage I’m not interested.

• They present very strong opinion on the first dates
• Hard to schedule dates
• Talking crap about ex
• If it feels too hard, it will be too hard

I feel like people wither give up too quickly. Or people stay too long. It is important to learn the difference on what is a red flag and what is normal relationship behaviour.