Should I leave my husband?

[iAMequal]

This might be a bit of a long one.

I've been with my husband ages and married for the best part of a decade. We have kids together.

For the most part, he's a good husband. He has done a few unacceptable things over the course of our marriage and he can be self-absorbed and selfish. He can also be lazy. Mostly though, he's pretty good.

I have for a long time now had no sexual feelings for my husband at all. We rarely have sex because I just don't want it. I think it's because I so often catch him picking his nose or holding his nuts - he didn't used to do these things but now he does them all the time in front of me. He's also gained weight which I know makes me a shallow eejit but that's turned me off in all honesty. There are probably other reasons too but I couldn't put my finger on one particular thing. I do on occasion have sexual feelings for other people so it's not a lack of sex drive per se, I'm just not attracted to him.

He was raised in the most misogynistic household you could imagine and a few traits of that spill over into our marriage. He believes in equality but sometimes he can do things that make me think that I'll always have to point out the unfairness of situations based on sex/gender. I always have to fight to show him how life is from my point of view. He is improving continually but after a decade I wonder if he'll ever fully understand. I do get sick of fighting my corner as a woman.

I left my career to raise our babies. In that time I have done some self employed work on a part time basis but earn very little. I'm aware that if I left him I'd have no money to look after my babies. I worry that I'd ruin their lives by making the decision to split. I'm cross with myself that I've left myself in this situation of not being financially independent from him. I can't return to my previous career as too much has changed in my field.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Our marriage isn't particularly bad, but he makes zero effort any more and frankly I don't with him. I'm not interested in him romantically at all. He is funny and interesting and a good friend to me, if that makes any difference.

Your honest thoughts are invited.

What about getting yourself a new career first?

How old are your children?

The relationship sounds pretty dire. You don't fancy him, for starters, you also sound in a relationship rut. Have you also let yourself go?

Has he any idea you are feeling this way?

I do need a new career. The babies are still young. There is evidence on my body that I am a mother eg stretch marks and slightly less perky boobs than before but no, I have not let myself go. I am a size 8-10.

Have you been ignoring this for a while or repeatedly tried to discuss these issues as they've built up over time? I think it would be a shame to give up on your marriage if you haven't even been actively working on saving it i.e. lots of conversations, both reading a book about getting the spark back, marriage counselling - As a team.

Your priorities are out of whack here. I highly doubt you are actually unemployable. Seriously pursue getting back into the workforce. There are returners courses offered by some specific companies, google it.

Unless of course DH earns loads and is salaried so his wages can be garnished by CSA, in which case go for it!

We have discussed many parts of it including me not wanting to have sex but I have lied and said that it is low libido rather than lack of attraction.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you still?. You should not be using the children here as a reason, possibly the only one, to stay with him. These young people are not glue and should not be the glue that binds your H and you together.

Is he a good husband?. You write that he is then in the same paragraph describe him as lazy, self absorbed and selfish. Are you really just by writing that merely trying to put a gloss on things?. In another paragraph you write he believes in equality but then write that some of the traits from he being raised in a misogynistic household have spilled over into your marriage.

Would you want your children as adults to have a relationship like yours?. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing them?. You are showing them that currently at least, all this is acceptable to you.

I'd say that before you call it quits you should at least try two things:

• looking for a job so you have money of your own and don't feel so disempowered
• working on your sex life, with both of you making an effort with it

You cannot revive your marriage here on your own, he has to want to put the work in too. If he does not then you have your answer.

You lied? What did you think that was going to achieve?

It sounds like you've already given up on your marriage.

@Haireverywhere it came from a place of not wanting to hurt his feelings.

Can you lose attraction to someone and later regain it? Is that even possible?

I haven't given up by the way. I'm just very frustrated. Any time I make an effort he immediately gets hopeful that it'll lead to sex so I stopped making an effort so that I'll stop having to reject him. That's awful I know but true.

Yes it's possible. Have you read the book I live you but I'm not in love with you? It's to help couple's get that romantic sexual and emotional connection going again.

You sound very disconnected from each other. I think you need to talk and explain that you both need a plan here or else in a year's time you might be too far gone.

Love not live sorry

I'm on the receiving end of a similar situation and I was aware that my DH stopped being affectionate, kiss me etc because I would hope we'd have sex. There were reasons for this but he lied too. It doesn't help.

Best of luck

@Haireverywhere I've not read it but perhaps I should.

Nothing to lose maybe? I'm not meaning to be critical but I personally couldn't leave a marriage without active steps to try to improve it first. By active I mean joint efforts such as the book and counselling.

Not to say things won't work out the same.

Stop lying to him for a start. I think you both may need some counselling.

Yes you can back the attraction but you have to work on that.
I'm curious about this:

I always have to fight to show him how life is from my point of view. He is improving continually but after a decade I wonder if he'll ever fully understand

Do you need him to understand your point of view or agree with it? Those are different things. And since he is trying, do you feel like you try to understand his point of view?

It just sounds like you need marriage counselling. A marriage is a lot of work, and it sounds like while you've been frustrated, there hasn't been any work put into it.

I'm a r/ship counsellor and I do think it's possible to find the 'spark' again and also equally possible that it can't be. Sometimes r/ship injury can manifest itself in cutting off the intimacy either consciously or subconsciously. You say he's done some unacceptable things? If he has hurt you and you haven't forgiven him then you could just be shutting down all of your feelings for him including sexual ones. Or you could just be done. Def find your local Relate or similar and invest some time and money in exploring - lot cheaper than divorce if successful?

@porger80 that's really helpful. I think I perhaps haven't forgiven him fully.