Mil and childcare: that old chestnut

[reetgood]

It’s been two weeks since I returned to work, and our current childcare arrangements look like this:

Mon - childminder
Tues - childminder
Weds - with us
Thurs - am my mum, pm with mil
Fri - with us

My mil is, as my partner puts it, a massive flake. However my 8 month old son enjoys his grandma time and vice versa. It’s really helpful to have options. So we stuck with an afternoon initially as it means we won’t be scuppered when she changes her mind/ loses enthusiasm.

This week she has suddenly decided she wants to have baby for more time. However, she can’t do weds or fri so is suggesting we give up the childminder so she can take care of baby or that she has baby all day Thursday. She has a point that Thursday is a bit disrupted, and we’re looking at whether she could do a full day weds instead. I thought we put her off, but she’s just contacted us again and suggested she has baby all day tomorrow.

We are not giving up the childminder, as we fully expect at some point to be dropped for some other enthusiasm. I want to keep consecutive days at childminder as he doesn’t settle so well. Those days need to be mon tues for now as we’ve signed up and paid for a class weds am. I’m not going to stop my mum having him, and Thursdays are her only free day.

Urrrrrrrrghhh. What to do? I am slightly suspicious there’s a bit of grandparent politics in this: I think she wants to be the no 1 grandma! Oth, it’s great that she and my son have a lovely relationship and I totally trust her with him.

My approach is so far to get partner to put her off, politely and repeatedly with suggestions that we review arrangements in a few weeks. But we’re just going to have this forever more aren’t we?

Just say you have already signed a contract with childminder and you can review it in three / six months?
And then when it comes up again say that your happy with the current arrangement :)

I'd say that the childminder minimum term is 2 days and that it isn't fair to your DM that she doesn't get to look after the baby so either she does Thursday or nothing.

The childminder has probably filled the other days with another child. You cannot possibly swap....
You are right though, two days is better for consistency for little one.

If his mother as he himself puts it is "a massive flake" how is it that you have left your son with her at all in the first place?. This was not a good move on your parts and now she wants more time with him. It does not sound like she is a suitable person to use for childcare and at 8 months old as well he has no idea that his paternal grandmother is so flaky. Both of you are going to have to remain firm with her going forward.

Your son is your child and if you do not want her to look after him then you are going to have to say no this does not work for us and repeat as and when necessary.

What are your own boundaries like with regards to her?. She seems to have no real boundaries when it comes to you people, she is being persistent here and "suggesting" a different day. Such demanding people are not put off at all easily.

Could her and your mum alternate Thursdays? Then when she flakes you (hopefully) have your mum and they both get a full day every other week. No changes to any other arrangements and probably the least disruptive if it goes wrong

If it feels good to you, stick to the plan. See how it goes. Review it in a month or two.

Some good suggestions here thank you! We did sign a contract so will refer to that. Partner is suggesting weds afternoon to her with possibility of extending to full day in December.

@attilathemeerkat whilst she’s a boundary pusher and pretty self absorbed, she’s a loving grandma and I see no reason for her not to see him! I recognise I am inviting this behaviour in with it but whilst it’s maddening it’s not unbearable.

Yes you are inviting this in and it could well be something you go onto bitterly regret doing. Your boundaries re her as well need serious revising. At the very least the two of you will have to present a united front.

I would urge you to reconsider having his mother at all look after your child during the week. You have given good reasons already and your trust in her (perhaps borne out of a need to appear fair to all relatives here) could be misplaced. She is a boundary pusher, someone who changes her mind/loses enthusiasm and self absorbed is patently not a good role model for you or your child for that matter to be around. And you call her a good grandmother?. Snort. Her own son, your partner calls her "a massive flake". He has also known her a lot longer than you have and calling her such is pretty serious coming from him because men generally do not call their mothers that. This does not make her a good grandmother figure.

you’re assessing her based on about a paragraph of information that I’ve given. I know her. I don’t have a problem with drawing boundaries and will do so if needed. It sucks for my partner though, he said to me this evening it made him sad that his mum can be such hard work. He’s realistic about her. She can do his head in, but we agree that we trust her with our son. She was a fine parent when he was a small child, it’s more as an adult with different perspective that’s shes difficult.

Oth, I have never heard her say a mean thing about anyone, she’s generous, good fun. She takes my son to the library and they have a good time playing together. He’s happy around her. I’m willing to negotiate her boundary pushing. It helps to think out loud on here though and have other people’s perspective so thank you x

Would you be able to have a heart to heart with her? Tell her that you love how much fun she provides for your son BUT that you're really concerned relying on family as you know what a commitment it is yadda yadda yadda...

So she can really see how she will need to commit 100% or not at all. Then tell HER to think about it for a while before committing to anything.

I like the idea of alternate Thursdays. IME the morning is the fun part where you go do something and the afternoon becomes nap and dinner.

Just tell your husband to deal with it, it’s not your problem. I doubt he’d be sorting out issues with your mum if the situation was reversed!

@causeimunderyourspell I think she wouldn’t be able to ‘hear’ that information if you know what I mean. She only takes onboard the stuff that doesn’t conflict with her personal narrative. Hearing that we think she’s unreliable would be something she couldn’t deal with. It’s probably pandering but I just doubt we’d get anywhere with that tack.

Of course MIL is always welcome to have first refusals on any evening baby sitting.

Partner talked to his mum this evening and made liberal use of the contract info. It seemed to go down ok - we’ll see how long that lasts!

@Reetgood - please take no notice of anything AttilaThe Meerkat says, he/she regularly makes comments clearly with the intention of ruining and/or dividing families, just not worth listening to.

@Jaynich

I think Atila is projecting her own experiences. I've noticed that a few times myself.

Not everyone's mother is like yours Atila.