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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Foreign divorce papers!

36 replies

Storm4star · 26/09/2018 14:35

My (asshole) STBEXH lives in Germany and I've just received divorce papers but they're all in German! Who's responsibility is the translation? We married in England and neither of us are German, if that's relevant?

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ravenmum · 27/09/2018 15:33

That "mutual" thing is just what I told you earlier about you being able to choose between each having a lawyer, or having one between you. It doesn't mean you're delighted with the divorce, just that this is not a case of him actually forcing you to do it and you having to defend yourself against it.

ravenmum · 27/09/2018 15:41

If he says he'll pay for the shared lawyer, and you want to keep this cheap, then you should probably just say nothing and hope he doesn't know you would normally share the costs. A consensual (what you are calling "mutual") divorce with a shared lawyer is about 30% cheaper, if he does work it out and get you to share the costs. The alternative is you each having a lawyer (and he would presumably not offer to pay for yours?).

Storm4star · 27/09/2018 16:24

It was in the part that talked about our relationship and he basically said that I was spending weekends in Germany with him (which I was at that point) but that we talked and decided we didn't want to be together anymore. So I came back to the UK. So he makes it all sound simple and happy!

What really happened is I asked him before I went there that weekend did he want to break up (as there had been issues), he said no and I should come. I said if he wanted it to be over I'd rather know while I was in the UK and had my family around me etc. (I was very controlled by him, hence my stupidity in wanting it to work!). But he insisted no please come, we can have a nice weekend together.

So anyway I went there and he was then verbally and physically abusive to me (he had form for that). Culminating in me having to leave and book into a hotel, and I ended up feeling suicidal from the stress of it all. I will never forget being all alone in that hotel in a foreign country. It was a horrendous experience.

He abused me all through most of the marriage, cheated emotionally at least, possibly more. Then threw me away once I was broken! That's how it felt anyway. It took me a long time to get over the trauma of it all.

So no, I don't want to read that we had some friendly little chat and parted on good terms. Obviously I don't expect him to detail what happened! But I do want him to take ownership of the fact that he ended the marriage. He's clearly rewritten everything in his head to suit his own purposes and I know it shouldn't really matter to me what it says. But it just does. I just want him to tell the truth for once.

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ravenmum · 27/09/2018 17:45

Must be in a different part of the country to me, as there was absolutely zero information required about our relationship in any of the legal papers. I was slightly pissed off that he refused to use the lawyer I suggested, so in the courtroom it was him and his lawyer on one side of the room, and just me on the other.

Just be careful that you don't actually pay hard cash for the fact that you want to advertise your side of the story, too. What's been very hard for me in the divorce process has been coming to the realisation that people will believe the lies he told, and think I was a terrible wife, whatever I do or say to the contrary. And that some people will think "the lady doth protest too much" or that you must be obstructive and bitter if you try to get your side of the story over. Telling other people about his affair and how nasty he was during that time has shown no signs of making me look good so far.

Storm4star · 27/09/2018 18:04

I do see your point. Sounds like you went through the mill too! It's so horrible. I can't see me ever getting married again.

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Storm4star · 27/09/2018 18:11

He's in Dresden (couldn't care less if that's outing for him! Lol). Funny that reminds me, he refused to tell me where he was living (dont know what he thought I would do!) and then he had to give his address for the papers anyway! He honestly thought he could do the whole thing by email. Idiot!

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ravenmum · 27/09/2018 18:14

It does get better with time. This was four years ago and I don't feel the need to rant about him at anyone who'll listen any more :) It does feel like I've had to rebuild my entire set of values and beliefs about the world, but maybe the new beliefs are a bit more practical!

ravenmum · 27/09/2018 18:16

Haha, I'm in DD too - doubt I know either of you, though, as none of the scenario sounds at all familiar. Shall I go round and drop something through his letterbox for you? :)

ravenmum · 27/09/2018 18:18

If the lawyers' initials are N&N, they are nice!

Storm4star · 27/09/2018 23:39

Ooh that’s such a coincidence! Maybe you can just throw a few rotten tomatoes at his house, maybe just as he’s coming outside Grin

Yeah I have to say that the few email exchanges i’ve had with him these past couple of days has just had me rolling my eyes and remembering all the reasons why I’m lucky not to be with him anymore! He actually started banging on at me about all the stress he’s had since we broke up! I know narcissist gets thrown around on here a lot but he really is textbook!

I have to keep remembering that I’m the lucky one as I am free now but he can’t get away from himself!

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