Is this controlling?

[Kookaa]

DP and I have had a huge row over something seemingly insignificant.

It's really annoying as although we've rowed a lot in the past we seemed to be getting on well lately.

We have a new baby and other DC and a pretty busy life which can be stressful.

So yesterday evening I spent an hour and a half cooking a special family meal. Afterwards I started washing up and DP went to put toddler in the bath as he started having a tantrum. The baby then started screaming.

I asked DP to put baby in the bath first so I could get on with washing up. He said no, he was going to put toddler in and to just let him get on with it.

I was pissed off as tired and just wanted to finish washing up without listening to the baby crying. I stopped washing up and took the baby upstairs and put him in the bath after DP had finished with toddler.

DP said I'm really controlling and should have just sat down and fed baby and he would have then bathed him and done washing up himself.

It was very petty and turned into a full blown row. I don't like the way he speaks to me, he is very boorish and argumentative. In regards to me he says it's always 'my way or the highway' and I'm really controlling.

What do you guys make of this situation?

I'm guessing that's a yes or don't know?!

Having a new baby and getting used to having two small children is likely to make tempers fray as you're both tired. Does the toddler go to nursery? Just wondering if you are getting much of a break?

I think this is a “new baby everyone’s exhausted” argument.

Your way wasn’t better than his. And vice versa.

Be kind to each other. It gets better.

It doesn't sound like a controlling situation. I would struggle to put a baby in a bath and a toddler to bed at the same time.
It does sound like you are a bit stressed/stretches?

Sounds like the sort of ordinary bickering that goes on between two very tired people who are trying to deal with too much work between them.

In this situation I would lean more to him because of the rule of never reward a tantrum.

His solution of you feed the baby so baby is quiet while he baths the toddler then he baths baby and does the washing up sounds like a nice solution.

You started telling him to do things differently because you wanted your priorities to be his priorities.

However, that's not your actual problem is it? You object to him being boorish or argumentative.

You must both be completely knackered if you can have a row over which one of you wants to do the washing up.

doesnt sound controlling but does sound like you are both really tired to let this blow up, can someone babysit for you for a few hours one evening, so you two can go out for a meal or a walk, swimming? anything so you can both have time away from being mum and dad and being mr and mrs kooka, every parent needs a break for a couple of hours now and again to reconnect, i sure as hell know i do, just an hour two, to spend some time alone doing something together

So the baby was crying at the same time the toddler was having a tantrum?

I'm not a parent but surely one of you each to deal with the children and the washing up could wait? misses the point entirely

What @subspace said! That's exactly what I was about to type x

Truth be told there is controlling behaviour here and at the very least you are not pulling together.

There seemed to be 2 children, 2 parents and 2 courses of action. Your DP had started on a course of action to deal with the toddler tantrum. The baby then started crying. As he says the obvious course of action was to stop washing up and to comfort the baby. So I suppose the question is why did you want to interfere with what he was doing and do you do it often?

In your post you reference previous arguments, a special meal and busy lives. Did you have an expectation of the evening that didn’t materialise and were you disappointed or angry with him? On the other hand you could just be tired and not thinking straight. I hazard a guess you wanted appreciation and he let you down. That caused you to be annoyed or angry with him and that resulted in passive aggressive behaviour, doing the washing up and trying to take over with the children, etc.

Either way your marriage and parenting won’t improve if you only focus on point scoring. A battle of wills to prove who’s right and wrong. There will have been mistakes on both parts in the course of the evening. Take a step back and think about the bigger picture and how you really feel about life at the moment and what you want. Focus on your feelings and what you want. Then tell him.

Nb, I expect that both parties to a huge row are argumentative and boorish.