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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

In law dramas

7 replies

Jemsmee · 26/09/2018 08:27

This is going to be a long one. Apologies in advance...
So myself and my partner met at work 3.5 years ago and started "seeing each other" 3 years ago. He had separated from his wife 8 months before and would confide in me about a lot of his issues and feelings developed between us.
His relationship with his friends and family was non existent due to constant controlling behaviour from his ex wife.
I helped him rebuild these relationships.
We travelled to visit his family regularly working on fractured bonds with his mum dad and sister and making a bond with his niece who he had never met.
A regular topic of conversation with them was how his ex wife had ruined everything and that they had only met 1 of his 3 children and that it upset them.
Fast forward 3 years we have a daughter together who is 1 in less than 2 months time. His dad and sister have met her once and his mum I'd say 3 times.
There has been some challenges along the 3 years obviously a relationship cannot go from never speaking for 4+ years to all roses and fluffy kittens.
I sit here now feeling severe resentment. I feel guilty that my poor daughter has no relationship with her daddy's parents just like me growing up.

They don't even text and ask if she is ok. I send pictures every month, the last time i didn't even get a reply!

Would you confront them? Would you let them know they are letting her down and missing out?
Or do I leave it residing on the fact that I cannot change them?

Advise would be greatly appreciated xx

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 26/09/2018 08:35

I don't know - but I would certainly be reframing my perception that the 'controlling ex wife' was responsible for any deficiencies in his relationship with his parents previously!
You can only do what you can do, to keep in touch - send pics etc. if a non response is going to annoy you, best not send the pics.
What does your OH say?

Jemsmee · 26/09/2018 08:41

He is also trying his best to keep hold of them. I know a lot of awful things happened 5 years ago. Even his mum said once "I cannot forgive him for choosing a psychopath over his own parents"
He said just leave it because I can't change anything.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 26/09/2018 08:42

r do I leave it residing on the fact that I cannot change them?
Yes... this!!!
If they want to make the effort then they can.
Problem is, they don't want to.
It's that simple really.
Live your life in your family unit and see them as and when they can be asked!
You can't MAKE people want to love and spend time with your baby.
Some people are assholes and there is naff all you can do about that!

Jemsmee · 26/09/2018 08:50

I guess the torment this causes me is due to the fact I had NO grandparents growing up and always felt like I was missing out. She has my parents but they aren't your average grandparents my mum's in a wheelchair and my dad's a functioning alcoholic so its not even like she can get everything she needs from grandparents from them. So the fact that she has a "normal" set on her dad's side bothers me.. they have a right not relationship with his niece because she's 10 mins down the road .. but when was distance a decent excuse?

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/09/2018 09:28

Oh dear!

Look, I'll be up front, I made similar mistakes 30+ years ago. From my perspective this is what you have done:

  1. You have helped your DH make good a relationship he had successfully escaped from
  2. You have walked yourself, your DH and your DC into a situation where you will all be let down, hurt, by people who simply aren't all that parental.
  3. You have projected your own angst onto your DC

Happily you seem to have a glimmer of understanding that his ex probably wasn't the reason for him going NC with his family.

You have a lot of unmaking to do.. I started with an apology and an explanation of how I saw things, before and after my lightbulb moment. I promised to support my DH in whatever he decided to do BUT that my cooperation would cease if I was ever hurt, disrespected again.

It was a relief for both of us!
Good luck!

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 26/09/2018 20:08

Your child has two loving parents? That's sufficient. Everything else is a bonus. Value what you have and lose all this drama.

Zebra31 · 26/09/2018 20:34

You can’t force them to be the GP you want them to be. Your DC has two loving parents. Focuses your energy on your family unit.

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