Co-dependent friendship

[AtlasQueen]

I think I'm in a co-dependent m/f friendship, and wondered if anyone had any advice on how best to remove myself from it. For background we've been friends three years, close for two, and very close for the past 18 months or so. We talk most days, initiation is 50/50, see each other 1 - 2 times a week and talk about very very intense things as well as the usual banter. Both single. We are very similar and have a level of sharing that I've never had before in terms of my own life, experiences, feelings etc. There's never been any initiation of more though.

It seems though that every now and again the friendship collapses under its own weight. I know I need to pull back and have in the past (we've tried NC three times now! Always initiated by me) but it seems to always loop back to the same place. I can't shake the feeling I'm a girlfriend filler for him, although he's been pretty much single the whole time.

I don't know how to break away from this but know it's not healthy or good for me one iota. Does anyone have any advice?

You need to go LC. If you’re a GF filler then it will stop whenhe gets a gf anyway. Not worth wasting your time

NC you mean?

I guess I've tried before and it's failed

Take longer and longer to reply to his messages and mute the conversation sometimes. If you don't want a sudden ending, gradually wean yourself away. Be busy.

Try to recognise that while you are preoccupied with him, you may be missing out on getting to know other, available people around you.

Oh well if you’ve tried before and failed then you’d best just stay as GF filler for him. There’s simply no other way.

Or, don’t be so passive and docile. Be honest with yourself - do you want him to be your BF? If the answer is yes or no, the way forwards is letting go.

As a PP said, take longer and longer to reply to him. Go ‘grey rock’ - less intensity, less intimacy in your responses. And while you’re doing that start thinking about adding something interesting into your life, somewhere to lodge your energies. A new skill or getting really fit or something creative or internet dating or personal development or yoga....

You’re right, this friendship means you’re wasting your life as a stand-in for someone else’s life.

Do you want more from the friendship ? Or is your concern just that your a girlfriend filler?

All good advice thanks! It’s just rotten. He’s made it clear we’ll never be more but still wants me as a friend. It’s proving so hard to pull away but your advice will hopefully help.

Why is it so hard?

Maybe it’s hard because there’s a cognitive dissonance between what he says (doesn’t want you as a GF) and what he does (wants to claim all your time and attention, confides in you, treats you as special). So you hear him, but unconsciously you feel deeply called to.

Just know that he is using you. Acknowledge to yourself you have feelings for him, feel sadness about the fact that it will never happen, and detach. Remind yourself he doesn’t really value you. He would (and will!) drop you like a bit of litter when someone he does deem worthy of the GF title turns up.

AtrociousCircumstance I think you've hit the nail on the head. You're right. That's why it's hard to pull away, because I intuitively feel that he's lying to himself/in denial because of how he acts.

We had a conversation a few weeks ago about relationships and long term relationships. He said he wouldn't know what they are like as his longest one has been 18 months. I remember thinking: it feels like this.

Do you actually fancy him? You don’t say. It sounds like you do.

I’d tell him if he wants to be your friend then treat you like a friend - talk once a week, don’t use you as a surrogate gf.

And if you do have feelings for him and you need to get over them, then be ruthless and pull away completely. The way not to get drawn back is to make a decision to get on with your life and find someone else to date.

How’s it going OP?

There was a thread just like this on here recently. He brought up the relationship and she admitted to having romantic feelings and he was irritated by that.

I've been in this situation and I was dropped like a hot banana when a girlfriend came along. The funny thing is you can never tell what someone needs in a GF. The GF didn't seem 'better' than me on paper but obviously I was just not what he wanted.

In hindsight, I feel like such a chump. I so desperately wanted to feel liked and needed that I was basically his therapist! He said he'd be 'lost without me,' yet he married his GF and didn't even invite me to the wedding. I never once confessed feelings and I don't even know if he knew I was mad about him but how and ever...

The very best of luck to you. It might help to talk to him. If it's a real friendship, it'd be good to turn it down rather than off but you know best.

What do you think?

Thanks for checking back in 🙂 It’s going ok as he’s away so not been in touch since the day I wrote the op and I realised it’s the only time we’ve gone longer than 3 days without speaking in months. I don’t want to be with him I just want to untangle myself in a clean way without drama. I think it’s like your situation smozzles - I’ve become his therapist.

The space has given me time to think and I’m quite angry at him too for making me feel so used.

It’ll be hard when he’s back though, that’s when I’ll really need to work on how to respond.

atrocious your point about cognitive dissonance really did help too.

I’m also thinking of suggesting that we still catch up every week or so as we do now, but not really chat in between times. I realise it’s that which makes it feel so intense. We used to do that before the messenger chat escalated and I liked that much more.

Fill your time OP.
Don't just pretend to be busy/have other stuff to Do, but start doing it?

Get in touch with other friends/family you might have seen less off.
Find out what is going on local to you and get out there and enjoy it!

Situations like this are really tough. I never broached the subject with my friend. It all just sort of happened. I was very much letting him call the shots, shape the frienship and have it exactly as it suited him. When I look back, I realise he had huge damage from his upbringing, bereavement and all kinds of issues. I acted like I was some kind of blank canvas but I aint!

I'm not sure if setting down ground rules (i.e. no talking between weekly catch-ups) is a good idea...I'm not sure friendship can work that way. It sounds too rigid. I could be wrong but that's just me? I think actions speak louder than words here...it'd be good to say something like 'this friendship is a bit intense really, isn't it? We're like a couple who don't have sex' ha ha...and then sort of bring in how you would like to meet someone (if you would) and then gradually lessen the contact.

Reading your post makes me relive that debacle. I've had lots of male friends over the years and while it's nice to have male and female friends, I really do think the male friendships can be tough as you're usually dropped when a GF comes along..for various reasons.

foodie good advice! I’ll arrange something for the day he’s back next week to distract me ..

Smozzles it seems I have a lot to learn from you! And you’re right about the ground rules - I couldn’t imagine a conversation like that not getting weird!

Did you have feelings for your friend?

I think the thing that makes the situation so hard is it’s hard to find a language to explain weird intense friendships. We have them for relationships but not friendships and it feels like I can’t talk about it without sounding like a 15 year old or someone suffering from unrequited love.

Interesting point about him eventually having a relationship, I guess I’m not holding my breath though about that as he’s too needy when he fancies someone so they don’t last. But you never know. I’ve experienced his neediness at times too and it’s very unpleasant.

I need to play the long game I think but it’s hard. So hard.

Glad to help

If I were you I’m not sure I’d make any kind of agreement with him about contact - just decide yourself and start to practice not answering for a few days, changing the subjects to blander, less emotionally charged ones, etc. Trying to get him on board with any changes is very relationshippy. You need to own the change yourself.

(Or maybe you didn’t mean it like that and we’re talking about your intention).

*were

Thanks atrocious! You’re right. I’m glad I wrote that to realise it was a bad idea. Now I’m sure that’s what I want though I can try and make it happen through not responding etc.

I fancied the arse off my friend (he's a stunning looking man!) but I think I knew a relationship could never, ever work. He needed intensive therapy, not a GF. His now wife is a strong, self-assured woman & he did lots of emotional healing (they broke up a few times).

I just look back at that friendship & so many female friendships & wonder why I just allowed myself to be someone's therapist, why I didn't value myself more, up-skill, ruminate less & ultimately be more selfish. I'm still working on it. It sounds like

It sounds like we are both similar in that we are prone to co-dependency & feeling needed. It's a long road out of there. It sounds like you're seeing the wood from the trees in this friendship now while you're in it which is good. Best of luck with it.