Possible trigger warning - Husband having memories

[dwtlam]

Before I start I know this is a sensitive subject and because of that I have no idea how much I can say so I will try to keep this short, there is a lot more I will leave out as I am aware this could be an upsetting subject and people do not want all the details etc.

My Husband was diagnosed with depression about 10 Months ago, it seemed to come from nowhere. A few nights ago he sat me down and told me he was really struggling with something, he can't get it out of his head, it is always there in the background no matter what he is doing, these thoughts started just before his depression and he thinks it caused him to be depressed.

He has been having memories from his childhood, he used to have a friend who lived on the same street, my Husband was 8 at the time, his friend would have been around 12 or maybe 13, he went to this friend's house a lot and their parents knew each other. He remembers being in the friend's bedroom, he was on the floor, the friend was on the bed, the friend was naked, he was doing stuff to himself, my Husband said there was an adult there, stood near the doorway, watching, that is where my Husband seems to have blocked things out, as in, he remembers that entire day clear as day but whatever happened after he noticed the adult standing there is blank. He is also unsure if he himself was naked or just his friend, he seems to have blocked out the possible bad stuff that may have happened but remembers everything else. he is aware that nothing may have happened, he believe's something did.

He says he feels like he can't begin to get better from the depression because he has no idea if anything actually happened to him or his friend, are they false memories? a really vivid dream that he believes to be a real event? he is 98 per cent sure this happened and it was something bad.

Where does he go from here? as in does he need to go to councelling to get to the bottom of all this? will the doctor refer him? I am just a bit lost in how to help him through this and thought I would ask if anyone else has been through something similar?

Bless his heart. Counselling will help if he can find the right counsellor, one with whom he feels comfortable; it will take time and though things do come out gradually in counselling, it's possible he will never remember all the details - or there may be no more details to remember. What counselling does do is help people to accommodate things and move forward.

This is so hard for your husband, no doubt the bits that come into his make him feel frightened, stupid and grubby - but he was a young child and bears no responsibility. That is something he must be encouraged to understand on a deep level. On a 'head' level he does know but his subconscious is different,

Already it will have helped that he has confided in you.

He can ask his GP for referral to a counsellor but the NHS only pay for a few sessions (used to be 8). Or he can look for reputable counsellors on professional websites which will give him an insight into what sort of training and experience a counsellor has. If you live in London, the Westminster Pastoral Foundation are very good, I think based near London Bridge. There are plenty of others which can be found by googling counsellors for your area.

You are lovely. I hope things improve for your husband and for you.

He needs to go to counseling as soon as humanly possible. I cannot stress this enough. What your husband is suffering with is like a vicious cancer that will only grow until it consumes him. He needs professional care to help him process what he is feeling. Whether what happened is a false memory, actual repressed abuse, or even a dream is irrelevant. These thoughts are hurting him and needs support.

I would imagine that what he’s described is almost certainly the truth. I’ve investigated historical child abuse allegations ( interviewing adults who have reported allegations to police). Memory isn’t linear so often victims have snapshots / flash bulbs of actions without really understanding the full chain of events. The brain is very adept at suppressing traumatic memories as a self protection mechanism, but the memories can often re-surface later in life... triggered sometimes by having children of their own or other big life events. Depression in survivors of abuse is also not uncommon in addition to behaviours like drug and alcohol abuse which are in some ways an attempt to self medicate. I whole heartedly support counselling for him but I would be careful about the nature of counselling that you pick. There are a lot of people who set themselves up as experts and deploy slightly dubious regression type therapies which in the untrained hands have the potential to be really damaging. I would head first to the GP to see if there is a local service that could offer something. Other than that perhaps seek advice through a charity for child abuse survivors. They might have recommendations for people local to you. Good luck.

I don't have useful words. Just wanted to say I hope he can be helped.

How awful for your dh. I had memories resurface about 6 years ago and had a breakdown. I had a great counsellor who helped immensely but for years I felt tortured by the fact that I could not recall accurately what had happened and who had done it. I felt like if I couldn't remember I could never put it to rest, yet I was absolutely terrified of what would come to the surface. Eventually someone on here pointed out that I may never fully know, and that even if I did remember and process it the emotional distress may still occasionally bite me in the arse when I least expect it. Once I had accepted that possibility I felt much lighter. I still don't remember properly, only flashes of an 'act' that I shouldn't have been involved in at such a young age. I may never remember, but I have moved on. It happened, it wasn't OK, but it no longer consumes my thought processes and emotions. I barely even think about it now. I hope your dh is able to come to terms with what happened in a way that doesn't eat into the rest of his life.

I'd suggest a counsellor who uses the psychodynamic approach for this issue.

Check out the BACP register for a counsellor. Don't be afraid to ask if they have experience in a specific area/specialism.