I need advice. Do I leave him when I love him?

[Myusernam]

I’ve been with my DH since I was 16. I’m now 30. We have 2 boys and we get on really well as a family. We are a team. My DH and I have the same ideas on life and parent together great. I love my husband but I don’t trust him.
I’ve had major issues in the past with MIL and he has never had my back. I went NC for 2 years with her and decided to just tolerate her when I fell pregnant with DS1. She has so far, behaved.
When I was 6 weeks pregnant with DS1 I found out DH had been on sex hook up sites. I confronted him and he told me it was just a cheap thrill and he never met or intended to meet anyone. I forgave him.
We are quite hard up for cash as the minute with me staying at home to bring up the boys. Every penny is a prisoner just now and with out telling me he spent £400 on a gadget. I found out and we fell out, I then forgave him.
The other night he was sleeping on the floor of my son (4) room as he’s been in there since DS2 arrived as we were all being distributed with the baby’s crying in the night so it was better them 2 getting a decent sleep while I slept with the baby. Anyway, I went in to check on poorly son and DH was masterbating in his bed on the floor while Ds was sleeping. I was absolutely disgusted and furious. DH says he didn’t think about it but since he has he is very remorseful and disgusted by himself. He said he felt like he needed to and just did it. Not even thinking about sleeping ds in the same room.
I’m at a loss. I love my husband but I can’t trust him. Can I stay with him if I don’t trust him?

No you can't stay with him, you seem to spend your life forgiving him for this and that; that's not fair on you nor is it a healthy trustworthy relationship; as for him masturbating beside your son, just yuck, has he never heard of a toilet for god's sake; he doesn't seem to have any insight into how to actually be a good husband and dad so therefore I think you are very much selling yourself short; he never had your back either when his mother was attacking you; there's no team here, you can still parent well together but if I was you I'd go find a man that you can at the least trust, that's basic.

Thanks for your advice Adora. It’s good to have an outside perspective.

I think that by the time you have 2 children, and someone still behaves like this then the opportunity to grow up and mature has passed. This is what he is like.
He sounds very immature thoughtless selfish and the wanking thing is really horrible
You keep forgiving him so why would he change?

Love isn't enough. It's really wearing living with someone you can't trust. Trust is more important than love.

Thank you. I just don’t want to rip our family apart. But I think I’d rather be on my own than with someone I don’t trust.
I really did see us spending the rest of our lives together. He was my best friend and we have been through so much together

Overall, I agree with what's been said here previously OP. Your DH sounds like another kid for you to take care of vs. a partner you can rely on. No matter how much you love him, that's unacceptable at this point in the game. He's had 15 years and two kids with you to grow up and get it together. If you feel like it's time to go, I certainly wouldn't blame you. Sometimes people outgrow one another and maybe that's finally happened here.

All of that being said, I feel like there are some missing pieces to this puzzle. If you still love him, see him as your best friend and want to keep your family together you do have some other options.

Have you tried couples counseling? Have you tried sitting down with him and really exploring the doubts you're experiencing? Or is it this constant cycle of he screws up and you forgive? Is it possible he's truly oblivious to his failings as a partner/father? Again, that's not an excuse, but it may be something you can work on together. However, you don't owe him that chance. It's really all about how you feel and how much potential for change you believe he has.

Regardless of your decision I wish you luck OP, this is a really tough situation. I hope you come out the other end as happy as you can be with or without him.

Thank you @mivery.

I think re his mum he has grown up, she’s a narcissist and since having our own family he can see that the way she behaves is not normal. And I think if she was to start her crap with me again he would stick up for me and I think that’s perhaps why she is behaving because she knows he has changed.
He is really truly remorseful when he fucks up. But most of the time he doesn’t realise how wrong it is until I break it down to him. For example the £400 was a windfall so he saw it as money we would never have had so thought it was ok to spend on himself. He always encourages me to treat myself too. But when I explained that it could have paid for swimming lessons or such like for the kids for a year or a holiday for us all he was mortified and really sorry.
Same with the masterbating, he is disgusted with himself big time. But in the moment he just didn’t think anything of it. That’s the problem, he just doesn’t think.
I don’t know. I love him but I don’t want to spend my life waiting for the next fuck up.
Counselling is a good idea. I have had cbt before through my work but we certainly couldn’t afford her now. Are there free/ inexpensive couple therapists?