When is the right time to get pregnant

[TaraJoy87]

Me and DH have been married 4 years. We have just purchased our first flat, both have decent jobs and have wanted a family for a while. We'd had a few fertility issues (I have PCOS) so it's been around a year of trying with no success but he is now getting cold feet after we bought home our rescue dog 3 months ago who has some behavioural issues (dog aggressive).
I've had some anxiety about walking the dog and he now doesn't think i am ready for a baby. He said that we need to get the dog's issues under control and for my worrying to stop before we should start trying again, however that might take months or even years! I am already 30, if the dog never gets better and i am still worried about walking her that could be another 10 years and then we'd never have kids!
I'm at a loss of what to do, how to approach it, what to say to him. He just thinks I am baby-mad and don't see the bigger picture, but i tell him that there's not 'right time' to get pregnant and we'll just deal with it as we have every other challenge we've faced so far.

TL;DR Husband now doesn't want kids due to dog causing me anxiety.

Wow! Are your sure he is not looking for an excuse not to get pregnant?

A rescue dog probably has a lot of issues from its past (our dog had a few triggers but she mostly just ran away terrified poor thing) anyone would be nervous about that.

But that shouldn’t stop you trying for a baby.

What was the thinking behind adopting a dog with issues?

Being anxious about walking a dog with aggressive issues has nothing to do with having a baby.

How does he make that connection?

She hadn't shown any aggression before we got her home, we'd taken her on a couple of walks and there didn't seem to be any issues although we didn't get up close to other dogs on lead.

I am hoping this is still just a settling in issue and in another few months of the continued training and trusting us more it'll settle down.

I think his concern is if a newborn is added into the mix it will throw up problems like what if he is away for work and I have to walk the dog with the baby etc.

I was a pretty hot mess when we first got her home, was in tears for quite a few weeks not knowing how to deal with it. I think he sees that as me not being ready for the responsibility, however its not the responsibility of the dog that i'm finding hard, it's that one particular problem.

Hire a dog walker when he is away and you can’t?

Your anxiety around the dog has nothing to do with your ability to cope with a baby. However, if your dog is aggressive and unpredictable l, I think it would be irreplaceable to add a baby into the mix. In your situation, I would consider rehoming the dog, but I appreciate that’s not an easy decision to make.

Ffs. Irresponsible, not irreplaceable.

Honestly, if you want a baby, it sounds like the wrong time to have taken on a rescue dog with behavioural issues. Having a dog and having a child is nothing alike. I would make sure having children is definitely what you both want and if you’re ready now, I would make sure your dog has a good home with someone who is a better fit than you two are at this stage in life.

You're already 30, you have fertility issues, and you know you want children. I wouldn't wait one more day trying to get pregnant. I don't mean to be insensitive, truly, but time is not on your side, and that's true for all women.

As for the dog, enroll in behavioural classes and see how it goes. However, if the dog isn't able to control it's aggression and you have concerns with it around children, then you will have to rehome it.

We don't have any concerns with her around children. She's met a number of our friend's childre (under very strict supervision!) and is great with them. It is only other dogs that she doesn't know. She's also great with my parent's two dogs.

I understand that rehoming might have to be discussed but i don't think DH ould have it at all. He says we've made a commitment to her and we can't back out now. Even if that means we go without kids :-(

Simple way to see if it's really because he doesn't want to ttc - suggest rehoming the dog! His reaction will let you know what's what - then saw your update! Don't think he really wants DC, maybe thought a dog would sate that need in you and strung you along. Is he older? Any possibility he's had a vasectomy you don't know about? (Rare but happens).

Personally as someone with endo who also had a long journey to motherhood I wouldn't even consider delaying in your shoes!

Go without kids for a dog? seriously?! sounds like you OH doesnt want children.

He does still seem to want kids 'eventually' but very much on his terms. He still says things like "when we have kids we'll do this" or "that would be great for our kids" which is just even more confusing.

I'll admit, there was one evening when even he said that he didn't think we should keep the dog after wondering around the neightborhood in the pouring rain trying to get her to pee (she refuses to go in our garden, a whole other story there!)

He's super stressed at work and i find it hard to even talk to him about it, let alone suggest rehoming.

I wouldn't say the dog issue would be related to having a baby as for the dog you might find that she is aggressive because she is scared my rescue dog had this along with lead anxiety which made her worse.
She wasn't well socialised so was actually petrified of other dogs. We found a good dog trainer and took her to classes with high reward treats so hot dog sausages, cheese etc
It took work and persistence not going to lie sometimes we were asked to have time outs and sometimes I wanted to cry but 7 months of classes paid off she is now mostly completely fine around all dogs other than collies but she was attacked by 2 so is now scared of them!
I suggest that you both invest in a good trainer and classes!

You need to have a very long talk with your husband and lay everything on the table. This "his terms" bullshit isn't going to work. Time is of the essence, and if he is now in the fence about having children, he needs to be open about it. Don't allow him to strong you along, because the next thing you know it could be 3 years down the road. I assure you any fertility issues you have will not have improved.

Ugh too many threads like this! DON'T let him string you along, waste your fertile years only for you's to split and he has DC with someone else!

I have a dog aggressive dog, and he has caused me far more stress than having 2 babies.

My advice is to return him to the rehoming centre. They were not honest with you, and should not have placed a dog with issues in an inexperienced home. If you do plan on keeping him find a dog behaviourist. Ask a vet for a recommendation. You need more than a 'trainer', as pretty much anyone can call themselves that.

Dog aggressive dogs are usually fearful and submissive by nature, with aggression being a defensive reaction to the fear that the other dog will hurt them. Not aways, but this is a very common reason. A fearful dog needs a confident owner, who they feel will take control. The dog will be picking up on your anxiety and that will be making his behaviour much worse.

I reacted in a similar way when we first got our dog aggressive dog. I would inwardy tense up and get nervous if I saw off lead dogs approaching, anticipating a fight. This made our dog's behaviour much worse. My DH however dealt with it differently, he didn't get stressed, he managed the situation, and our dog is much more relaxed and less likely to kick off when with him.

Some tips.

When out for a walk, if you see a dog approaching simply turn around and walk away. Break the dogs' eye contact. Use tasty treats with a strong smell like bits of sausage and talk posiively to your dog. Then turn back and walk back towards the other dog until you feel him start to react. Repeat above. Work up to the point where you feel you can walk him past another dog over time. It is important to keep your dog within his comfort zone.

If you know someone with a friendly dog try some practise walks using treats, distraction, and walking away, to get your dog comfortable. Avoid situations where the dogs have eye contact.

Build a bond with your dog through daily training session. Teach commands such as sit, down, touch (touching nose on your palm when you hold your hand out to your side. Teach this by putting small piece of hand between your fingers so he has to touch your hand with his nose to get it). Touch is the most useful command to know because if you want to call your dog, rather than shouting which can stress a nervous dog you simply need to hold your palm out to the side.

Also Post in The DogHouse on here. There are some very knowledgeable people on there who will be happy to help.

The baby issue, I can see your DH's concerns. You do need to get the dog's behaviour under control before having a baby. A dog aggressive dog is dangerous because they are usually in panic mode, A panicked dog is not safe around children.

For context my dog bit me on the leg once, because my leg was between him and the other dog. He was going for the other dog, he didn't mean to bite me, I was simply in the way. A dog's mouth is the height of a child's face. Think about it.

Similarly, my dog bit the side of the pram with some force. Again it was a case of the pram being between him and the other dog. I am forever grateful that it was the side of the pram and he wasn't round the front. That was the last day I walked him with my dcs.

I am fortunate that I do not have to walk him with the dcs as we have a field and I can exercise him there with a ball. If walking with a pram is your only option you can't consider this if he is unsafe. Muzzles are not an answer either, as aside from making a nervous dog more nervous, a muzle punch from a dog in attack mode can do a lot of damage to a baby.

sorry her, not him.

FYI, women with PCOS have better fertility than women without it in their late 30s. The old advice of "have babies early if you have PCOS or you'll never get the chance" is completely outdated, and most studies have found that women with PCOS stay fertile for longer.

I tell you this because when I turned 30, I had a sobbing fit in a corner with my then-boyfriend (now DH). My sobbing fit was precipitated by the fact that his best friend's wife had just announced her pregnancy (she was 27). DH back then didn't want to start trying yet, but I felt this hole in my heart a mile wide at having to wait years more until we were in the incredibly secure position he was dictating meant we were "ready."

So I told him through tears that I was terrified that I'd already missed my chance, and we needed to start trying very soon, and if I still hadn't had babies at 35, would it be okay with him if I killed myself? That was honestly how I felt at the time. I was bereft. He listened intently to my concerns, took me totally seriously even though I honestly was being a bit silly, and agreed to start trying quite soon.

That was 2014. I am turning 35 in about six months' time. My two little sons are the light of my life, and one was conceived totally accidentally after the most minor of birth control mishaps!

Other PCOS women I know have similar stories, including having to get terminations in their late 30s/early 40s when they unexpectedly fell pregnant with a third, fourth, or FIFTH baby.

Your husband sounds like he is trying to avoid TTC, and like he is trying to string you along. If you want to be a mother as much as I did, now is the time to find out if he is serious or not. If my DH had told me at age 30 that we were putting conception plans on indefinite hold, it would have been a dealbreaker, because I wanted time to get to know a man before having his children.

I broke things off with a man when I was 21 because he was adamant he would never have children. I've always been glad I did. His last words to me were that he hoped when I looked in my children's eyes, I'd remember that I loved the possibility of them more than I loved him. I do sometimes think about that now, and you know what? I love them so much more than I loved him.

A new dog and a baby sounds like a pretty stressful combination so I kind of understand your husbands hesitation. Maybe you could wait until the dog is trained and fully settled in before TTC. It will be good prep for what is to come if you have a baby (somewhat).

When I’ve asked people the same question they’ve told me there’s never really a right time to have a baby, I think it’s a very individual and subjective thing with many factors; finances, careers, stability of the relationship etc.

Dog-dog aggression is very common. If you will need to walk the dog in areas where other dogs are loose, or your dog is strong, then managing the dog and a baby (pram, etc) will be very difficult.

My dog has the same issue. I live in the country where everyone has their dogs off the lead, often even down quiet roads and lanes. It's really stressful and I wouldn't take a child out with her without another adult there (even though she is always on a lead and muzzled).

If you can walk your dog safely with a pram then I'm not sure what the problem would be if the issue doesn't extent beyond dogs. Get a referall from your vet to a behaviourist (after your dogs settled in) who uses reward based training. Not only can they assess your dogs and their likely ongoing needs, they can also do a lot of prep work for a baby arriving. Way too many people sadly relinquish their dogs when a child arrives because of a lack of foresight and planning (lead skills, place training, etc). Doing this will show your DH it can be done. If he's still reclutant then you know it ain't the dog!!

My friends partner did this to her for 8 years. Turns. Put he’d had a vasectomy and never wanted kids. Thought she’d come around after awhile or just not care. They broke up and she’s coming to terms with not having kids now. You need to communicate. You should be able to have a discussion with clear goals.

If you were trying for a year without getting pregnant then you need to initiate investigations as that’s not normal and the time to get a fertility specialist.

Honestly I think he's genuinely doing the right thing. A dog with behavioural issues plus a new born is a lot of work for both of you. Focus on the dog, you'd like to think 6 months of solid training things would've improved heaps! I'd recommend getting a professional out to help with it.

Going against the grain here but I don’t think he’s BU, I think he’s being realistic. If having a dog with behavioural issues left you in tears for ‘weeks’, I can completely understand his concerns you may not be ready for a baby, let alone juggling a baby and a dog that has such difficult needs.

I think it’s a good thing he’s making the point that you’ve committed to this dog and can’t just get rid of her because she has some issues, it shows he’s taking commitment seriously!

You just cannot bring a baby into the mix with a dog that may be aggressive, it’s either rehome the dog or hold off on TTC until the dog is in a good place and you’re confident she won’t be a danger to any children you have. You can’t have both right now.

I was a pretty hot mess when we first got her home, was in tears for quite a few weeks not knowing how to deal with it. I think he sees that as me not being ready for the responsibility,

In the kindest way, if I got a dog with OH and the dog turned out to have problems and he was a hot mess in tears for several weeks over it, I would be genuinely reluctant to have a baby with him any time soon, as I’d be really concerned that he wasn’t in the right place mentally to be able to deal with the massive changes that come with a new child. What if you have a baby with a disability or something horrible and stressful happens during the pregnancy or birth? Would you dissolve into a mess, or be able to cope?

ultimately having a baby has to be something you both want, you can’t compromise. You can’t have half a baby. If he isn’t ready anymore then that’s that. You might decide you don’t want to wait and end the marriage to try meet someone new who will want children soon, that’s your decision of course. But your desire to have a baby doesn’t outweigh his wishes to stop TTC now your life circumstances have changed with the new dog.

I think you need to have some really honest discussions with each other. PP are saying they think he doesn’t want a baby and this is the excuse, if that’s the case you really do need to get everything out in the open and be on contraception in the meantime as if he doesn’t want a baby anymore and is scrabbling for excuses the last thing you want to do is bring a baby into the world with a father who doesn’t want him or her, a mum who is emotionally fragile and an aggressive dog in the house.

Was there something else going on btw during this several weeks of crying and being a hot mess? It seems like such an overreaction. It made me wonder if there’s some other contributing factor that’s also part of him holding back, like depression or some other serious life events going on where the dog’s issues were the straw that broke the camel’s back? If not then I can see why he’d be concerned, I wouldn’t want to get pregnant with a partner who was so unable to cope with stress and crumbled.

I think I agree with Lolly -- quite apart from a baby and a chancy, unreliable dog being a bad combination, I'd be very wary of conceiving with someone who crumbled under the stress of a new pet.

I'm not minimising the difficulty of the dog situation, but I am a calm, un-anxious, confident person who likes challenges, and the new baby stage was still much the most difficult thing I've done in my life. Your DH is possibly genuinely concerned for you, or worried that your commitment to having a child will waver once the baby arrives and has some of the ordinary but awful, and often difficult to diagnose, problems newborns have, which manifest themselves in ways that make life seem absolute hell.