This is more of a me trying put down my thoughts since I'm not sure who to talk about it with. I will obviously talk with my bf, but I need to gather myself first.
I'm from Scandinavia and my bf is from the UK. We met when I was an exchange student. After the exchange period I had to go back home to finish school and get some work experience. Last year I moved to UK to get my post grad degree.
We didn't struggle during the distance too much at first. We are both independent and I was young so meeting up for holidays almost every month was fun. We never had a specific plan but we both knew we wanted to be together and eventually share a life in the same place. As the time went by I started to feel that distance is getting too much. We really struggled with making a plan so I decided to apply for post grad in the UK so we can really see if we are good together. The year has been good. There has been ups and downs. After living alone for a long time it was a bit of an adjustment but we found our groove.
Graduation is here and we had a talk about our future. He was very concentrated on the immediate future whereas I was trying to find out about long term plan. I've always been open about wanting to settle down in my home country but being happy to live abroad for a few years. We talked about how I could work in the UK for a few years while he could start university, save some money and then relocate. Great plan! Except now I'm having a lot of doubts and anxieties. My heart feels heavy and I'm getting mood swings. I've gotten a few rejection letters and I feel this sense of relief. I've also noted that I've started to think "when I get home im gonna...". It was not helped by my parent being hospitalised and feeling terrible for not being there. I'm a big girl. Shouldn't I be able to be away from mommy and daddy for a few more years? Especially since my bf is the one making the big move?
The thing is that I'm not convinced that he actually wants to move. I really think that he really wants to believe he wants to move. The way he is talking and acting is not someone who is about to move to a foreign country in a few years. I don't want to "wait and see" anymore since we have had that the begining of our relationship and it was fine then. I want a solid plan (obviously flexible based on life situation) and not wonder if we are in this situation again in 2 years.
If I made a pro/con list it would definitely make more sense to live in the UK. I speak the language, my skills are more transferable, I have an UK degree, I'm younger and I'm more adaptable. I also really like UK, but speaking English all the time is tiring, I like knowing how things work, I like the feeling of just being instead of having to concentrate all the time. It's a place I enjoy for a prolonged holiday but not necessarily to live.
All this has brought on to me to really wonder the relationship and I have so many doubts now. I'm so happy with him when talking about the near future, but I have trouble imagining us long term. Shouldn't I be happy anywhere if I'm with the right person? Are we pushing for our relationship because we really want us to work instead of aknowleding that maybe we are not meant to be? I don't know if this is just self protection relating to location or something else.
I'm so torn. I don't know if this is just nerves of change. Or if this is my gut telling me something. I can't imagine going back to distance, i cant imagine being here with him and I can't imagine being anywhere without him. It's so hard to apply for jobs, read about bureaucracy, brexit, taxes and all of that when I'm not feeling totally comfortable. On top of this, I have a job offer back home and I need money, so this decision has to be done soon.